What is and what should never be
by ffrackles
Summary: What if Mary left John and raised Dean on her own? Now he's 17, lives with his Mom and her husband, and he's in love with his best friend. Takes place in senior year of High School. AU, OOC, rated M for lemons. R&R.
1. Big News

I opened my eyes and looked at the ceiling for a moment before I climbed out of bed and then stumbled into the bathroom. The good thing is that it's connected to my bedroom, so I didn't have to walk for long. Which is a good thing, since I'm not really a morning person.

I took a quick shower to wake up properly, and then walked into my bedroom again to get dressed. I then took a shortcut through the bathroom into J.J's room. We shared a bathroom, just like everything else. Not that it always was a good thing to share a bathroom with her.

Her real name wasn't J.J, but it's the name everyone calls her. Always had, and probably always will.

I walked into her room, and found her sitting on her window ledge. It was one of those big one's, where someone could easily fit. I had the same in my room, but I never used it.

But that window was her favorite place in the whole house.

"I'm not going," she said before I even had the chance to open my mouth. But she knew why I was there. I mean, we had known each other since we were seven. We had lived on the same street since we were nine.

But now she lived here, and she had for a year. Tomorrow.

"You're going," I told her simply.

"It's a year tomorrow, Dean," she looked at me. Her long, chocolate brown hair was up in a messy bun. And her hazel eyes, framed by black, long eyelashes, were staring straight into mine.

"Tomorrow you can be all depressed, but not now. Not today. Today you're not even going to think about it," I told her and she sighed. It wasn't working. But I knew it wouldn't.

I mean, she lived here for a reason. Tomorrow was exactly a year from the day her mother and little sister had died. Her father was already in a coma by then, and he had been for a few months.

There had been a car accident, and Jennie had been in the car. But she walked out alive, with just a few scratches if you compared to her Mom and sister.

As soon as I found out, I talked to Mom. She didn't need much convincing on why J.J should live here, with us. But that's the way Mom was.

J.J lost a big part of her family that day, so she had all the right to be depressed tomorrow. But I wouldn't let her today. Not if I could make her feel okay for another day.

"You wanna know a secret?" I asked. She bit her lip, and I continued.

"Last night, Mom told me she's pregnant. It's weird. I don't hate her husband, you know that, but it's still weird. I mean, I'm seventeen. And I'm getting a little brother. Or sister. Or, y'know."

I sort of considered Mom's husband, Keith, to be my a father's figure. I had never met my Dad, and Mom and Keith had been married for four years, but together for six. And it shouldn't have been that big of a surprise to hear that Mom's pregnant. She's only thirty eight. She's still young. Sort of.

J.J smiled, and I knew she was in a better mood.

"C'mon, Freckles, we have school."

"Only if you stop calling me that," she replied and I chuckled. She hated my nickname for her, but I would never stop calling her that. I had called her that since we were ten, and she realized she had freckles. She hated them, but she didn't have to. I couldn't picture her without them, even though they weren't many and you had to be really close to actually see them.

"You know I won't," I commented and she sighed but moved from the window. She let her hair out, and it fell loosely over her shoulders and ended right below her breasts.

She pulled the legs of her gray jogging pants up so that they ended right below her knee. She was already wearing a white, tight tank top and I was able to see the black edge of her panties, and the letters 'Frank Dandy'.

This is the way she was usually dressed on her bad days. On her good days, she would wear jeans or skirts, and she definitely wouldn't pull on her zip hoodie like she did now.

Man, I hated that hoodie. It always felt like she was hiding behind it. And she was.

I really wouldn't have minded the way she was dressed if it wasn't for that frigging hoddie. J.J didn't have to wear tight jeans or short skirts to be sexy.

And believe me; she was.

To my friends, well Liam, it wasn't that big of a secret that I had a crush on her. More than a crush. He saw how I looked at her when she walked away, or when she looked away. I've had those feelings for her for almost a year. And the only person close to me who didn't see it was her. And I wouldn't tell her.

We were too good friends for that.

I usually only spent time with guys, but J.J had always been there. She had been my best friend for years, and if I told her then I would just ruin that.

And I was pretty much the only one she had that was close. At least nowadays.

"C'mon then," she told me and pulled the hood up so that I could barely see her eyes.

We grabbed something to eat, and then walked out the door. We didn't have far to school, and it only took us about five minutes to see the sign of this small town's High School.

The day passed quickly, and as we reached gym, J.J walked off like I knew she would. I watched her pull her hair up again before she and the other girls sat down on the bleachers.

"Stop swooning over her and get over here," Liam called and I jogged over to them. I really hated basketball, and I would much rather sit next to J.J and talk.

After half of the class, I glanced toward her and saw that a teacher was talking to her. She was too far away for me to see her face, but she suddenly grabbed her bag and ran off and out of the gym.

Something was wrong. I don't know what it was, but I wanted to know. I couldn't just run off like she did to find her, so I would have to find her after school if she didn't return. But my gut told me that she wouldn't.

I was distracted the rest of the class, and as I changed again I quickly took my cellphone out to call her. Her phone was turned off. So I wrote her a text instead, and told her to call me.

As everyone around me at lunch talked, I was mostly quiet. Olivia had her arm around my waist as she had her face toward her friends. They were babbling about something. I really didn't care to listen.

Olivia was… I was with her just _because_. My feelings for her had faded when I fell for J.J, but since I knew I couldn't be with her, I had never called it off with Olivia. I know I should have, but it didn't feel as petty to be with someone you didn't like than to be single and want someone you can't have.

Olivia thought I wanted her, but I wanted Jennie Jaquelin Walker. She had the lips I wanted to kiss, the hair I wanted to pull my fingers through, she had the face I wanted to cup… She's the one I imagined while whacking off in the shower. She was what I wanted.

The day continued with a slow pace. Too slow. And when my day was finally over, Olivia had to slow it down even more.

She was waiting by my locker as I walked up to it, still waiting for J.J to call. Or at least text me.

Olivia snaked herself around me, and bit her lip, trying to be sexy. It wasn't working. Not one bit.

"Vi, I gotta go," I told her, closing my locker again.

"We'll be all alone at my place. All night," she murmured, wrapping her arms around my neck. Man, that would have worked any day. But not today.

I almost winced as I felt her hand grab my ass, but I ignored it where it was. And then I removed it.

"I really have to go," I told her and removed her from me.

"Is this about her?" she suddenly asked, her blue eyes glowering.

"About who?"

"Who do you think? J.J of course."

"I'm worried about her," I confessed and she glowered even more.

"Everything is about _her_. I mean, you live with her! You see her every second! What's so special about her?"

What's special about her? Everything. She's kindhearted, strong-minded, tenacious, mature, she can make me laugh, she can make me feel better, she's curious, childish, beautiful, simple, complicated, tough, sensitive, and most importantly, I can be myself around her. I don't have to hide behind a frigging mask when I'm with her. She makes everything easy.

"We're done," I said simply and watched her shocked expression.

"W-w-what?" she stuttered out and I snorted.

"We are done. We're gonna see each other in school, but I don't want to talk to you again."

"I thought you loved me," her voice was small, but I couldn't find it in me to feel sorry for her.

"I never loved you, Olivia. I cared about you, and I guess that in a way I still do. But J.J is my best friend, and if you don't like her, I'm sorry, but then I can't be with you."

I watched her for a short second before I turned around and stalked off.

As I got home, I saw Mom in the kitchen.

"Is J.J here?" I asked quickly, and she watched me.

"No, shouldn't she be with you?" she wondered, and I was out the door without saying a word. If J.J wasn't home, then she was at the hospital. And it made sense. She wouldn't run off like that if it wasn't about her father.

So I hurried to the hospital, not knowing what to expect. It could be anything.

I took the stairs to the right floor, and I quickly found the right room. But I didn't enter. The room was surrounded by windows, so I could see into the room.

J.J was sitting in a chair next to the bed, a gentle smile on her face as she talked. Her father was sitting up, talking with her. So he was awake.

I was about to turn around and leave, to give them privacy, but J.J noticed me and waved me in. So I walked to the door and walked inside.

"Dad, you remember Dean," J.J said and he looked at me. He probably saw that I was nervous. He was sort of scary to talk to. Intimidating.

"Hi, sir," I said and sat down in another chair.

"I've told you not to call me that," he answered me and I heard J.J chuckle.

Yes, he had told me that. I hadn't met him many times in the years J.J and I had known each other, but there was a reason behind that. He just wasn't home that often, even though he wanted to be.

"Sorry, Greg. It's a reflex," I stated and this time he chuckled.

Both J.J and I sat there for an hour before she wanted something to drink so she left the room for a short moment. But it was enough time for Greg and I to talk.

"You're still good friends," he stated and I nodded before he continued. "Good. I need you to take care of her."

"You don't think you're gonna make it," I stated this time and he shook his head.

"I told the doctors not to tell her, but it doesn't look good. Being in a coma for a year changes things. Apparently I have… I couldn't understand the term, but there is a chance I will slip back into a coma. Or die from the injuries. And if I don't, I'm paralysed. I don't want her to have to take care of me like that."

I didn't like how he so casually could talk about it. Like he wasn't even afraid of dying.

"You're not afraid?"

"I've never been scared of death, and when I found out about my wife and Julia I wished for it. But Jennie is alive, and I need to be here as much as I can for her sake. The only thing I'm afraid of is what my death will do to her when it does come."

"Why won't you tell her?" It was clear to me that he didn't want her to know what he told me. But she deserved to know.

"I don't want her to worry about me. She's done that enough for the past seventeen years."

"But she deserves to know."

"She also deserves to know how you feel about her. I see how you look at my daughter, and you haven't told her. You should."

That shocked me. He had only seen me with her for an hour, and he had already seen how I looked at her? He had already figured out how I felt about her?

I didn't have time to answer him, because J.J came back and a few moments later I left. It was time to eat, and I was hungry. I didn't have to ask J.J if she would stay or not, because I knew she would stay for as long as she was allowed.

—-

I heard my bedroom door open and turned off the TV when I saw J.J walk inside. I got up so that I sat up instead, and she sat down opposite to me. She held two glasses in her hand.

"I feel like getting drunk," she admitted and I got up from my bed. I opened my closet door and searched through the pile of clothes for the alcohol. It's the only place Mom wouldn't look, so it's the only place I could stash it.

I quickly found the bottle of Bacardi, and closed my closet again. I found my way back to the bed, and poured it into the two glasses without saying a word. J.J just looked at me.

When I put the bottle on the floor she finished her glass in just a few seconds. Like she was drinking water. I had never seen her like this. She didn't usually drink, and when she did, it was never this fast. She could still be on her first glass when I was on my second or third.

I followed her lead and finished the whole glass in one sweep, and then filled the glasses again. I had a feeling that we were going to get drunk. Good thing it's Saturday tomorrow.

"He's in a coma again," she whispered and I looked at her.

"You got two days together," I stated, trying to make her feel a little bit better. If that was possible.

"Yeah, but I don't know if that makes it better or harder."

An hour later I could feel the alcohol getting to my head, which was a bad thing. Because I get really thonest when I'm drunk. And I can say almost everything. Even though I don't really want to.

"So why did you really break up with her?" she asked, and I couldn't stop myself when I told her. I had told J.J yesterday that I had broken up with Olivia, but I didn't want to give her an answer when she asked me why.

I did now though. Her father told me she deserved to know, and maybe she did.

"I love you."

She smiled softly. "I love you too."

Yeah, but not the way I meant. She thought I meant I loved her like a friend. It was more than that now. I did love her that way before, but now I was _in love_ with her.

I didn't know how to explain it to her, so I grabbed her face and pulled it to mine. I kissed her full lips and I basked in the feeling. It didn't last long though, because she pulled her head back and met my eyes.

"I love you like that," I told her, and knew that I would probably be regretting this for the rest of my life. But I still couldn't let go of the feeling of having her lips against mine.

She stared at me for a moment, her eyes shocked and surprised. Then she got up from the bed and left my room. And I knew she wouldn't come back, so I poured myself another glass and drank it.


	2. Too many emotions to fit into one body

I threw the math book on the floor after almost twenty minutes of trying to solve the same problem. I hated math. I had always been bad at it. I wanted J.J to help me. She was good at math. She liked math. She was good at _explaining_ math.

It had been a week since I told her, and she was pretty much ignoring me as much as she could. I had never thought it would be so easy to not see someone you live in the same house with. The only times I did see her was when we ate. And in school. But she always took the furthest seat from me, and she didn't even look at me. She would even get out of the house before I woke up. It was annoying. And I was angry at myself. If I hadn't been drinking that much that night, then I wouldn't have told her. And then everything would be normal. Everything would be okay.

Mom had been asking me about me and J.J not talking, but I had told her to let it go. I could see that she didn't, but I couldn't stand her interfering. This was my fault, and I would fix it somehow. Even if it took forever.

But J.J didn't have only me to think about right now. Her Dad was still in a coma.

I heard footsteps from the stairs, and wondered if J.J knew I was sitting in the kitchen. She would probably turn around as soon as me saw me sitting here.

I looked up as I heard the footsteps stop, and saw her in the door frame.

I was surprised to realize that she met my eyes for the first time in a week.

"I think we need to talk," she said. It came out more like a question than a statement, but I knew what she meant. She wouldn't give me a choice even if I said no. That's the way she was.

I nodded and she came to sit opposite to me at the table. She took a deep breath, and met my eyes again. It was wonderful to look into those hazel eyes again.

"I've been thinking about what you said – _did_ – and I need to think more. And I admit that it was wrong of me to avoid you for this long, but you really startled me. And I don't like being startled. I was a little freaked out, too. I mean, I consider you to be one of my best friends, and if you have feelings for me…"

"So what you're saying is…?"

"That I need to think, but I don't want to avoid you anymore. I miss talking to you…" She glanced at the book on the floor. "I miss helping you with math."

She almost smiled when she said that.

"I don't miss math," I stated and she looked down on her hands.

"How long?" she asked and I knew what she meant. We were back to talking about my feelings about her.

"Does it matter?"

"To me it does. I mean, could I have prevented it somehow?"

I ignored the pain it caused when she told me that, but I knew the answer without having to think about it. No, she couldn't have prevented it. Even if she hadn't moved in here, she would have still been the same person. She would have been the one I fell for. Maybe it would have taken longer, but it would have happened.

"About a year," I confessed and she nodded. "And no, you couldn't have."

She sighed and nodded again before she got up from the table. I thought she was going to leave, but she just reached down to get the book from the floor. She put it on the table in front of me, and I flipped to the right page again.

I knew she had to think about me kissing her, and I knew what the answer would be, but at least she was with me again. At least she was helping me with math, and talking to me. Looking into my eyes.

—-

"Mr. Campbell?" the teacher asked and I looked up. I hadn't been sleeping much this night because J.J and I had been talking the way we used to. That meant we had been up almost the entire night. So I had almost dozed off in class when the teacher asked me the question. But I wasn't sure what question, though.

"Huh?" I asked, and the teacher raised on of his eyebrows. This wasn't good.

J.J turned around and faced me from where she sat before me, and mouthed the right answer to me. Thank god for her.

"1875," I answered and the teacher nodded. He was just about to continue when another teacher walked inside. She looked around the room, and her eyes stopped at our row.

"Miss Walker, you have a phone call."

That didn't sound too good. Hopefully it was the hospital telling her that her father was awake again. I really hoped so.

I saw her grab her books and she turned to me for a second. She looked nervous.

"I'll see you at lunch?" I asked and she nodded her head before she left with the other teacher. And twenty minutes later, I was standing at my locker to leave my books. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I picked it up only to notice that I had a text from J.J.

'_Outside'._

I quickly closed my locker and walked outside. I knew exactly where to find her, so I rounded one of the corners and walked for a minute before I saw her back against me. She was sitting on a bench, and she turned around when she heard me coming.

Her eyes were red and swollen, and I knew that it was really bad. I cursed in my mind as she threw herself in my arms and burrowed her head against my shoulder.

She didn't have to tell me. I just knew. Her dad was dead.

I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her closer. I didn't know what to say, or do, or anything. I just knew we couldn't stand here all day.

"I'm so sorry, Freckles," I murmured and I heard how the sob was caught in her throat.

We stood like that the entire lunch, and she didn't say a single word. Neither did I. But I knew I had to take her home. She couldn't be here at school like this.

So I leaned out just a little bit and grabbed her face. She met my eyes, and it was hard to look into hers. They were almost dead. The last time I saw her like this was when her mom and sister died.

"Wait here, okay?" She nodded to an answer and I let go of her reluctantly. I grabbed the books that was on the bench, and then hurried into the school again. I knew the combo to her locker, so I opened it and put her books in it. I grabbed her leather jacket and then closed the locker. And when I turned around to hurry back to her, Olivia was there.

"I don't have time for this," I almost sneered before she even opened her mouth. I knew why she was here. She had been trying to get me back ever since I broke up with her. It wouldn't happen.

I stalked off before she had the time to response, and found J.J again. She was right where I left her.

Her tears had dried, but her eyes were still swollen.

I wrapped my arm around her shoulders, and I led her home. She still didn't say a single word. I tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't response.

As soon as we entered the house, she left my side and a few moments later I heard how her bedroom door closed.

I left her jacket in the hall and walked up the stairs. I stopped outside her door, and raised my hand to knock. But I changed my mind right before my hand touched the door, and it fell to my side again.

She probably wanted to be alone right now. And if she didn't, then she would come to me. She knew I was here for her.

So I continued to my room. I left my door open and then lay down on my bed.

—-

J.J still hadn't said a word, and it had been almost two weeks since her dad died.

I still wasn't sure why he died, but his heart stopped beating. Maybe it just couldn't do it anymore. Maybe it was to weak to continue to beat.

I don't think he gave up, I just think his heart did.

I took a deep breath before I walked into the church and sat down beside Mom and Keith.

I hadn't seen J.J today. She had spent some time with her grandparents, and gotten ready for the funeral.

She was supposed to hold a speech.

The church was pretty much filled. Her dad had been a respected marine in this town, so the entire marine force was here. At least those who weren't out in war. They were here to support J.J. They were here to show respect.

I didn't see J.J until it was time for her speech. She looked amazing. Her long hair was let out, and she was wearing a dark lilac dress. It was almost black. Her hazel eyes were framed by think, long lashes with a few layers of mascara on them. She looked really tall up there, but it was because she was wearing high heels. She never wore high heels. She was tall enough as it was. She was almost my height. There was just a few short inches between us.

She looked out over all of us before she opened her mouth and I heard her speak for the first time in two weeks.

"Dad was highly respected in this town. Those who didn't know him saw him only as a marine who served this country. A hero. But those who did know him saw him like he was. A father and a husband. He loved his job, but he loved this family more. The second he would walk through the door, he would leave his job behind him and be with us. We didn't see him that often, and Mom was alone most time of the year because he was away. But now they're together again. And they will never be parted. People expected Dad to die in war, for his country. And I guess he did. He might have died here, at home, but he died because of the injuries he got when he was away. I remember a time when he got home a day early. He knew Mom was at work, so he showed up at school. I was sixteen, and in the middle of a big speach in English class. I took a short second to remember what I was supposed to say next, and I looked out the window and saw him. He hadn't bothered to change clothes, so he was in his uniform. The teacher didn't like me much after just running off without saying anything but I really didn't care, because Dad showing up a day early made my day. A month later, we got the call that he was in a coma. I got a few short days with him three weeks ago, and that just makes everything harder. When I think of my father, I don't see him at the hospital. I don't see him the way I've seen him for the past year. I see him the way he looked when I ran out the doors at school and into his arms. I see that big smile on his lips. Despite how much he went through, he always pulled out that smile when we needed it. I will always remember him for that. He once told me that courage if fear holding on a minute longer and I believe him." She took a deep breath, and I saw a tear glimmer down her cheek before she finished her speech. "Semper fi."

The marines in the room echoed her last words, and I saw her smile softly. She walked down from where she was standing and she gently let her fingers run over the flag-draped casket. She probably wasn't aware of it herself, but she held such grace at that moment.

When she had walked back to her seat, the priest said some words and then the marines walked up to the casket and lifted it up to carry it outside and to the cemetery. It wasn't a long walk, but it would last for a few moments.

Everyone followed in a lead, and I walked up to J.J to walk beside her. I wasn't ready when she grabbed my hand, but I didn't even consider to let go. Instead I squeezed her hand, to let her know that I was here. And I also enjoyed the warm and tingling feeling I felt where our hands touched.

She held my hand all the way to the cemetery, and she didn't let it go when we stopped.

The marines put the casket down, and I saw a few more tears fall from J.J's eyes when the marines honored their major. So I squeezed her hand harder and I held it until I couldn't anymore. I watched the marines fold the flag and give it to the funeral director. I had never seen him before, but I knew he had served with Greg a few years back. He was a friend of the family.

He took the flag, and I let go of J.J's hand when he walked up to her. He looked her in the eyes, and then kneeled down before her.

He empathized each and everyone of his words.

"On behalf of the President of the United States, the commandant of the Marine Corps, and this grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of your loved one's dedication to his country and his Corps."

She nodded, unable to speak. He gave the flag to her, and she took it with the same grace she held as she gave her speech.

A few more things were said, and then it was over. But the whole service had been quiet. And emotional. There was just something about the marines honoring another marine.

Once a Marine, Always a Marine.

As people started to leave, the same marine who had given J.J the flag returned to her. It was obvious that they had met before when he gave her a hug.

I walked away to leave them alone, and I walked up to Mom and Keith. I didn't fully listen to the conversation they had as I watched J.J and the marine. He handed something else over to her, and I saw her give him another hug.

A few moments later, she walked to us.

"Are you okay?" Mom wondered.

"As okay as I can be," J.J answered and glanced at me quickly. She smiled softly as she did so.

Mom put her arm around J.J's shoulder, and together we all walked to the car to drive home.


	3. Time for decisions

I heard a knock on my bathroom door, and knew that it couldn't be anyone else than J.J. I told her to come in, and she opened the door. She was still wearing the dress, but her hair was up in a bun and she was barefoot. She still looked just as beautiful as she had in the church.

She sat down on my bed, and looked at me where I sat at my desk.

When she didn't say anything, I decided to say something.

"What did the marine give you?"

She hadn't said anything about it, and I wanted to know.

"Dad's uniforms. He had a few on the base. And he also gave me an award that was dedicated to Dad. He was given a bronze star for what he did in Iraq. They just never had the chance to give it to him, so they gave it to me. He also received a Purple Heart."

She looked sad, but I could see that she was proud of him. And she had all the right to be.

She took a breath before she bit her lip.

"I'm sorry I haven't talked to you anything during these weeks. I haven't talked much to anyone, but I had a few things to think about."

She didn't have to apologize to me. At least she was talking again. That's what mattered.

"Like what?"

"Dad changed his will. If Mom would have been alive, she would have received everything. Almost, at least. A little would have gone to his parents, and some would have gone into a college fund for me and Julia. But he changed it, and gave me everything. Everything he's ever own. His money, his piano, his _everything_. He might have been a marine, but he had money stashed away. I don't know how much yet, but I have a meeting with his lawyer in a week and I'll receive everything then."

I could see that she had been thinking about something else, but just that was a lot to think about.

"You've been thinking about something else."

"Am I that easy to read?" she asked and I chuckled.

"No. I just know you," I answered her as I moved and took a seat on the bed opposite to her.

She sighed, and then took a deep breath. She didn't meet my eyes as she spoke.

"Close your eyes."

"Why?" I wondered, and she met my eyes. Hers were hard to read.

"Just do it," she told me and I sighed but closed them.

"Listen to what I say, but don't say anything, okay?"

"Okay," I promised.

"Good. I told you I would think about our kiss, and what you told me, and I have."

She made me nervous. She told me she had been thinking about it, and she wouldn't unless she was ready to give me an answer. I just wasn't sure I wanted to hear it.

I also don't know why she told me to close my eyes, but I figured that maybe it would be harder for her to tell me if I looked at her.

She didn't say anything for a short moment, but I sensed that she had a lot more to say. So I waited, pretending to be patient.

"I don't know exactly what I feel about you, but I know something."

"What?" I asked, ignoring her order to be quiet.

She didn't answer me. At least not in words.

It took a few seconds, but then I felt her lips linger against mine. I didn't react at first, because I didn't realize that she kissed me. But when I did, I raised my hand to cup her face and I kissed her back.

I was kissing J.J. She kissed me. She was on my bed, and _she_ was _kissing_ me. It was hard to understand, but I tried. I had never thought that this would happen.

The realization of kissing her, and of how good it was, made me deepen the kiss. I didn't want to kiss her too roughly, but it was hard. And she didn't seem to object to how hard my lips were against hers. She even wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me closer. Almost like with its free will, my right hand left my lap and slid over her dress and to her back. I pulled her even closer, but not close enough for her to fall over me. She knew I couldn't pull her closer, so she straddled me and I could pull her closer again. She even took the initiative to make the kiss even deeper. Her tongue slid over my lower lip, and I opened my mouth to let her in. I couldn't keep the moan inside of me as I felt our tongues together. And neither could she.

Her hands moved from behind my neck, and as one gripped my hair the other one ran down my arm and to my side. Her hand came down under my t-shirt and I shivered as I felt her warm hand against my skin.

Her touch, and kiss, did more to my body than I really wanted. And with her straddling me, and being so close, I knew she had to be aware of the hard-on she had given me after just a few moments of kissing.

I knew we shouldn't continue forward with this, but I couldn't stop myself when I found the zipper of her dress and I pulled it down.

I had never had a hard time controlling myself when it got to this kind of stuff, but man, it was hard with J.J. She was driving me crazy.

"Dean!" I heard a voice call then, and we broke the kiss at the same time. My eyes flew open and I found J.J's open as well. Her face was flustered, and she was trying to catch her breath.

Then we heard the voice again, and I recognized it as Keith's. And he was getting closer.

J.J flew off me and ran into her room, closing the bathroom door on her way. I quickly got a pillow to place in my lap and turned on the TV. A few seconds later there was a knock on the door, and Keith opened the door.

"Liam's at the door."

"Tell him I'll call him later," I said, wishing for Keith to just go away. I had a situation going on, and him being here was… not good.

"It's dinner in fifteen minutes," he stated and then closed the door. Thank god. I removed the pillow from my lap and walked into the bathroom, locking the door from J.J's way. It would be awkward if she walked in right now.

I tossed my clothes on the floor and stepped in under the warm water. I could have just taken a cold shower, but I wanted to enjoy J.J's kiss a while longer.

I didn't know if it had been a one-time occurrence, or if she ever would kiss me again. I mean, she might be in her room right now regretting it.

I didn't let myself think that far. Instead I prolonged the moment of our kiss, the way she had touched me, they way she had felt when being so close to me…

I stayed in the shower a few moments longer, trying to catch my breath, before I turned the water off and got dressed. I ran down the stairs, and noticed that I was a little late.

All three of them were already at the table, and J.J watched me as I entered the room. I could see her noticing my damp hair, and new clothes, and I knew that she knew. She knew what I had just done in the shower, and she probably knew I had imagined her, and what we had done just twenty minutes ago.

—-

"Should we talk about what happened?" I asked as I closed my bedroom door after us.

"I don't think I gave you the best answer," she answered me and took place on a chair.

"What answer did you want to give me?"

"I'm confused. I thought I didn't know how I felt about you, and now I'm even more unsure. I liked the kiss, it was great. Fantastic, even. I liked what I obviously did to you. But I'm confused. I didn't want to let go, and instead of relief I felt annoyance when we heard Keith's voice."

"What are you saying?" She didn't make sense, and I think she saw that as well. I think she just didn't know how to express herself properly. And it was a little bit humiliating that she brought up my… situation.

"I don't love you, but I think I might if we give it time. If you want, I want to try."

"Try with what?" I asked, although I knew what she meant. I just needed her to say it.

I didn't show her how happy I was though. I didn't like hearing that she didn't love me, but she gave me some hope when she said she could if we just gave it time. And I could give us all the time she wanted, as long as we tried.

"Us."

"Like… making out? And stuff like that?" I teased, and she chuckled.

"God, you're such a guy," she shook her head and rolled her eyes. I walked up to her, and she had to look up to meet my eyes. I cradled her cheek, and she put her fingers over my lips before I was about to kiss her.

"We should take it slow," she murmured, removing her fingers.

I placed a chaste kiss on her lips, and she kissed me back.

"I know, so we should watch a movie."

"A movie?" she asked as I straightened up again and nodded.

She shoved me away to get up, and walked into her room.

"You fix the popcorn," she called over her shoulder and I chuckled.

We didn't have any popcorn at home, so I had to run out and get it. I didn't care, because it didn't take long and I got some other stuff as well. I got a bag of popcorn, of course, and a bag of Lay's chips. I also got a big bottle of coke, and a few candy bars before I went back home.

I put the popcorn in the microwave, found a bowl and then poured the finished popcorn in it. I got two glasses, put the candy in my pockets and held the bag of chips with my teeth. Then I carried the glasses and the bowl of popcorn in my hands, as I clasped the bottle between my arm and my side.

I knocked on her bedroom door with my foot, and she told me to come in. I knocked again, because I couldn't manage to open the door with everything in my hands.

I heard movements on the other side, and J.J opened the door. She laughed as she saw me. She had also changed clothes from the dress to her sleeping clothes. So she was wearing a black, oversized t-shirt and her white, long legged pajama pants. I had seen her like this more times than I could count.

"How much are you planning to eat?" She took the bag from my mouth, and I answered her.

"Shut up, you know you want it."

With another chuckle she walked to the couch in her room and sat down. That's the only reason we watched the movie in her room – she had a couch. All I had was the bed. And a desk and a chair.

I reached the bowl and glasses for her to take, which she did, and then I placed the bottle on the floor before I took out the candy bars.

She laughed again as she saw what I did, but she snatched some of them from me.

"What movie are we watching?" I asked as I sat down.

"Twilight," she answered, distracted with trying to get the DVD on. I stared at her with wide eyes. Was she seriously thinking I would watch that movie with her? And I thought she hated that movie!

"Are you frigging kidding me?"

She met my eyes, and shook her head. I was about to open my mouth again to argue, but she started to laugh.

Man, that wasn't funny.

I grabbed a handful of popcorn and threw them at her. She looked at me with surprised eyes, but then grabbed a hand of her own to throw at me. I ducked, but she still hit me with a few.

A moment later, all of the popcorn was on the floor or in the couch, instead of in the bowl.

"This is your fault," she said, pointing into the empty bowl.

"It's yours for lying to me," I stated, smiling. I found it fairly hard to stop smiling. "Now, what movie are we watching?"

"I hate you," she told me and turned to the TV. "Stop smiling."

I chuckled at her comment, and then turned to the TV as well. It was a comedy, which I think she needed to see right now. It was the day of her father's funeral, so she wasn't up to a drama or anything like that. She actually hated most comedies, but she seemed to like this one.

After about half of the movie, Mom knocked on the door and walked inside.

"Olivia's on the phone," she said. She knew J.J and I would watch a movie, so she knew where to find me.

I groaned internally and said, "I'm not home."

Mom nodded and left, and I turned to the TV again. I ignored J.J's expression. She didn't really know that Olivia had been 'stalking' me ever since I broke up with her.

But she didn't ask any questions, and we continued to watch the movie in silence. But the silence was comfortable, like it always was between us.

As the movie was over, so was everything I had bought for us to eat. I helped her clean up on the floor and in the couch, and then we walked down with everything.

I texted Liam to ask him what he had wanted, and he answered me with saying that there was a party he wanted me to come to. He was already there. I sort of wanted to, because Liam was sort of my best friend, but I wanted to be there for J.J. She wasmy best friend.

I heard J.J's phone vibrate, and she looked down into it. She looked troubled.

"What?"

"Jenna invited me to a party. She said that maybe it could get me thinking about other things."

"At Will's place?" I asked and she nodded. It didn't surprise me. Liam and Jenna were twins, so it didn't surprise me that they were at the same party.

"Liam invited me," I answered. "Are you going?"

"I don't know, are you?"

"I'll go if you go," I offered. That meant I could both go to the party, and be with J.J.

She was quiet for a moment, thinking it through before she finally nodded.

"Just let me get dressed," she said and walked up the stairs again. Fifteen minutes later, she was back downstairs. She was dressed in a pair of blue, skinny jeans, a black tank top and a beige, open cardigan. She put on her black converse, and then we were ready to go. I told Mom we were going to a party, and she didn't look happy. She looked more pleased when I told her we wouldn't be gone for a long time.

We had to walk for about twenty minutes before we reached Will's house, and I had my arm around her shoulder the entire time. She had her arm around my torso.

There was a silent agreement between the both of us not to show ourselves as the couple we sort of was, and as we reached the house we let go of each other.

We walked different ways, and I found Liam in the living room.

"Dean, man, where have you been?" he asked, clearly drunk already.

"I have better things to do than to be around you all the time."

"Have to told her how you feel yet, now when Vi's out of the way?" he asked, pointing at J.J. If he only knew…

"Shut up," I chuckled and shoved him lightly. He handed me a beer, and then we walked over to the other guys. The house was pretty much filled, but there was clearly more guys than chicks.

J.J was with some of them, and to the outside it looked like she enjoyed herself. But I knew that she wasn't. Not really. Even from where I was standing I could see a sadness in her eyes. A sadness that not even I could take away. Her eyes had held that sadness all day, even though she had laughed and smiled.

As Liam had found some girl to make out with, I moved away from him and walked up to J.J. She took my beer from me, and I knew it was bad because she didn't even like beer.

"You feel like getting away from here?" I whispered in her ear, and it surprised me that she heard me because of the music.

She nodded and put the beer on the table before she got up from the couch. Jenna looked at her, and asked if we were leaving. J.J nodded, and Jenna hugged her goodbye.

"Call me tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah," J.J answered simply. Jenna was the closest friend J.J had at school, and she was the only one she would hang out with outside of school. Besides me.

As we were outside again, I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and pulled her to my side.

"You alright?"

"Headache," she answered simply. It wasn't that big of a surprise. This day had been long, hard and emotional for her. And the music in there couldn't help much.

When we were almost home, she changed the subject we were currently on.

"I'm not ready to tell everyone, since we're not official so to say, but maybe we should say something to your mom."

"You're serious," I stated.

"Yeah. She deserves to know that her son, and the girl who's been living under her roof for a year is dating."

"You're going to make me tell her," I stated again.

"You're her son," she said. What, so I had to tell her just because we were related by blood?

"I'll tell her tomorrow."

"Just make sure not to tell her when she's in a mad mood."

"I hate you." This time I said the words, and she chuckled.

As we came home, Mom and Keith had already went to bed. We had only been gone for a few hours, but it was enough for them to go to sleep.

I walked into my room as she walked into hers, and I changed clothes quickly. I left my t-shirt on but I changed my jeans to my pajama pants. I always just put them on before I went to sleep, but took them off before I lay down. They were uncomfortable to sleep in.

So I put them on and went to the bathroom where J.J were already brushing her teeth. She had changed her clothes as well.

I found my toothbrush and the toothpaste, and started to brush my teeth. She finished before me, and then washed off her make-up and put on some cream or something. She did that every night. Don't ask me why.

She bit her lip, and watched me.

"What?" I asked, my toothbrush still in my mouth. I finished before she answered me.

"I don't want to be alone," she murmured and I smiled at her. She didn't want to ask the question, so she phrased it like that. I turned the light off in my room, and then in the bathroom before I followed her into her room. I turned the light off there as well, but the lights from the street shone through and I was able to see her. Well, her silhouette at least.

I lay down beside her without pulling my pants off and then I faced her before I draped my arm over her torso. She pulled herself closer to me, and placed her hand against my chest. Then I felt her lips against mine, and I smiled.

Again, she kissed me. That way I knew she really wanted to, and that way I knew I wasn't forcing her to do anything.

We lay there on her bed for two hours making out before one of us spoke. Two frigging hours.

I had a question I wanted to ask, but I wasn't sure how. I wasn't sure if I had the right to ask it.

"I was thinking about something…"

"About what?"

"You, sort of. Are you… I mean, have you…?" God, how were I supposed to ask this? "Did you and Seth ever…?"

It was humiliating to ask her if she and her ex ever had sex. I just wanted to know, because I didn't want to push her to have it.

"Take the step?" she continued for me, and I swallowed hard. She must have heard it.

"Yeah," I clarified.

She was quiet for a second before she answered me.

"No, we never got that serious."

They didn't date for a long time before the accident, and after that she wasn't really up to being in a relationship.

"So, you're still…?"

"Yeah," she answered me. I could feel how she blushed. "You're not."

"No."

"Just Olivia?"

"Yep." That wasn't a lie. I might have a rumor at school, but it wasn't true. The only one I had ever slept with was Olivia. I had never went that far with anyone else, even though there had been more girls. Just never as serious as with Olivia, and that wasn't serious. It was mostly physical. So, J.J on the side gave me what every relationship should have. Now, with J.J, I could get both. I would respect that she wanted to take it slow, because I didn't want to ruin this. Whatever we had.

But I knew I would get both, because J.J was someone I could talk to. And now, I could be physical with her as well.

"You seemed eager to take it to the next step today…"

"Caught up in the moment, I guess," she answered me and I felt her blushing again.

"Are you sure you want me to be the one?"

"I think so, yes. That's why I want to take it slow. That way I can figure everything out. Are you okay with that?"

I found her lips again, and kissed her softly.

"I'm perfectly okay with that," I promised her and I felt her kissing me back.


	4. The Truth

I was supposed to meet Liam in like twenty minutes, and J.J was still not awake. I had tried to climb out of her bed as quietly as I could, but there was no point. She was deep asleep, and almost nothing could wake her.

After our little talk last night, we had spent almost the entire night with making out and talking more. And I loved it. It was so different from whatever I had with Olivia, and I loved that. I loved that new feeling I had with J.J.

I grabbed a quick breakfast, even though I should probably call it lunch, and then lingered in the kitchen.

"Mom, I need to talk to you about something. About J.J," I manned up after a moment. But I chickened out again. "She's still gonna live here, right?"

I knew the answer, but it was the only thing I could think about at the moment that was about J.J.

"Of course she is. If that's what she wants, she's not going anywhere."

"Good, good," I mumbled, chewing on a piece of bread. Mom seemed in a good mood right now, and I wouldn't be home until tonight. And I promised J.J I would talk to Mom today.

"I gotta go, but there's one more thing I need to tell you," I said and jumped down from the table.

"You looked serious," Mom turned to look at me from where she was standing, making lunch.

"It is, sort of. You're probably not going to like it very much, but don't yell." I took a deep breath. "J.J and I are more than friends."

C'mon, I could say it better than that! But at least now I had said it. And Mom looked shocked. Surprised. Not angry, but it might come.

"More than friends?"

"You know what I mean."

I knew what she wanted to ask. The question was written all over her face. And I wasn't going to talk about sex with my mom. Not a snowballs chance on that one. This was awkward enough as it was.

"Okay. I'm going to talk to her about this, and from now on both of your bedrooms door will be open. Not just at night, but all the time."

If it wasn't going to get worse than that, then this had worked out wonderful. But I might need to warn J.J about Mom wanting to talk to her.

"I'll see you tonight," I called as I walked out the door and headed out. I picked up my phone and texted J.J. I told her to avoid Mom the best she could, and that I'll see her later.

I met Liam at his place, and we were there for a few hours before we headed out to meet some other friends. We watched John's basketball game and then we decided to grab something to eat. So we headed toward the center of this town.

We wanted pizza, but as we walked past Subway we saw Jenna and J.J inside. We changed our plans, and ordered food there instead. Neither J.J nor Jenna saw us before we sat down beside them.

"Loose the grin," Jenna told Liam, who laughed. They might be twins, but I had seriously never seen them argue. And I had known them both for six years.

I looked at J.J, who still looked tired. Her hair was in a braid, and she hadn't put on any makeup today. She still looked amazing.

Her eyes were at my food.

"Mom was making lunch when I left; I guess you didn't eat any?"

"Shut up," she muttered and I laughed.

"Did you talk to Mom?" I teased, knowing she really didn't want to talk about it.

"I met her, and she might have talked to me," she said, almost glaring at me.

"What?" I heard Liam interfering us, and both J.J and I told him it was nothing.

We sat there for a while longer before the four of us walked to our place. Mom wasn't home, and neither was Keith. So we had the whole house to ourselves.

We decided to watch a movie, and we sat in the living room this time. The TV, and the couch, was bigger, and the chance of being so close to each other I might grab J.J and kiss her was smaller.

I had felt that urge since I saw her at Subway, and man, I wanted to hold her.

As Mom and Keith got home a few hours later, both Liam and Jenna left. The silence at the dinner table was almost awkward, and I was sure that Mom had told Keith about me and J.J. They were both glancing at us, and it felt like everyone was watching every single move I made.

As we walked upstairs again, J.J followed me into my room. I ignored Mom's words and closed my door. J.J took a seat in my window, and I sat down opposite to her so that we were facing each other.

"What did Mom talk to you about?" I asked after a few moments.

"She wants me to start with birth control. I understand her, because Mom would have been the same."

"What did you tell her?" I pressed my lips together, because I could all too well imagine that conversation.

"That this is all very new and that we would take it slow. That birth control isn't needed right now. Then she pretty much let out a breath of relief."

"So that pretty much covers what she so obviously wanted to ask me before," I said, knowing that was settled. And I was sort of glad that I had missed that part of the conversation.

"What did she say to you?"

"Not much, really. She didn't even give me a big reaction. She just told me to keep our bedroom doors open at all time."

"And we're already breaking that rule," she chuckled, and then sighed.

"Did I ever tell you that you did great yesterday? It must have been hard, but you looked… graceful. Amazing. I felt proud of you. If it would have been Mom, I don't think I could have handled it that good."

Every word was true. I seriously couldn't imagine my life without Mom. I didn't want to. She was pretty much all I had for five years of my life before she met Keith, and then he entered it. But Mom was still one of the most important people in my life.

She had raised me alone for a long time. She never exactly told me why she left my Dad, but she knew who he was. She would tell me if I ever wanted to know. I wasn't sure I wanted. I had done fine without him for seventeen years, and I honestly didn't need him in my life. Besides, he didn't even know that Mom was pregnant when she left.

_'Hi, my name is Dean Campbell. My mother left you seventeen years ago, and I'm your son. Surprise._' Yeah, that could never work out in a good way.

"I always knew that we someday would get the call of Dad's death. I think somewhere, deep inside, I've always been ready, if you can say that, for his death. I've always known I would live without him at some point in my life. And I lived without him for a year, without knowing if he would ever wake up. That was harder. Now I know, at least. He won't come back. This is hard too, of course it is, but… I don't know how to explain it."

—-

I wasn't concentrated on the handball game in front of me. None of us were. We had already played, and now it was only ten minutes left of the school day. And gym. And then there was only three days left before our October break.

I glanced toward the floor from time to time to see how J.J was doing, but she always seemed to do fine so I returned to the conversation.

It had been almost two weeks since her father's funeral, and since we had that talk. We still hadn't gone much further than kissing, but that felt great. It felt good to take it slow with her.

We still hadn't gone to the public eye yet, but Jenna had noticed a few of the hickey's I had given her. She had asked J.J about it, but all she said was that she had met someone. She wouldn't tell her who it was, though. So Jenna had talked to Liam, who had talked to me. I told him the same thing. J.J had met someone, but she hadn't told me who it was because she wanted to take it slow and not ruin the pace of the relationship.

I heard some shouting, and then there was screaming. It wasn't for long, but it sounded painful. So my head, and the heads of all the other guys, turned towards the floor.

J.J was on it.

I almost flew off the bleachers where I had been sitting, and hurried toward her. She was still on the floor as I reached her, and I quickly saw why. Her right leg was… dislocated. Like, a lot.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Jenna and Emily roared at Olivia, and I had a feeling that she was the reason behind all of this.

Liam reached us as the teacher did, and J.J winced as the teacher touched the leg.

"It's dislocated," he stated, and I almost snorted. Liam did.

I watched J.J closely as the teacher asked her if she was alright.

"It hurts, but I've been through worse," she said through clenched teeth. I believed her. She hadn't been injured many times, but when she was, it was bad.

She might have walked out of the car accident without a scratch if you compare to her family, but it was still bad. She had broken ribs, a broken wrist; her left leg was sprained…

Before I even had the time to think about it, someone had called an ambulance. I could have taken her to the hospital, and it probably wouldn't take long. But the ambulance was already on it's way…

And it didn't take long before it arrived. I followed outside when the paramedics carried her to the ambulance, and I tried my best to get into the ambulance with her.

"I'm her boyfriend," finally worked. I don't know if anyone was close enough to hear, but I really didn't care.

"What the hell happened?" I asked as soon as I got inside.

"Your ex-girlfriend tripped me," she said sourly and I cursed. Olivia had actually stopped following me, so I thought it was over. Apparently, it wasn't. Now she was after J.J. But why? What the hell was her problem? Why couldn't she just leave me the hell alone? Because this was obviously a way for her to try to get to me. And man, it was working.

"We have to reduce it," one of the paramedics said, and I grabbed her hand. They wouldn't have time to give her painkillers, so it would hurt. But pulling the ankle back into place would take away some of the pain she felt now. Believe me, I know. I had to live through it a few years ago.

She winced as the paramedic put his hands on her foot, and I tried to get her attention. In any way. The first thing I could think about was her guitar.

"You're working on a new song, right?" I asked and she nodded. In the corner of my eyes I could see the paramedic nod at me. I had to calm her down.

"What's it about?"

"You know you won't see it until it's done," she answered me, and I heard the pain in her voice.

"I'd prefer to hear it," I told her honestly. She was amazing. She had been singing since she could talk, I think, and she was one of the best out there. According to me. But she wasn't going to commit anymore to it than she already did. It was a hobby of hers. Because in both heart and soul she was a photographer. And she would reach far someday. If she didn't, there was something wrong with people.

Before she had the time to answer me, the paramedic pulled the way he had to, and J.J screamed again. I know she tried not to, she hated to show herself weak, but she failed. And I could literally feel her pain.

The paramedic nodded again, and I knew he had managed. He took out a splint, and just a minute later we were at the hospital.

She was taken into the x-ray immediately, and as I had to wait I saw both Liam and Jenna in the waiting room. They had our stuff. I had seriously forgotten about the fact that we were wearing shorts and t-shirts.

"Is she okay?" Jenna asked, and I shrugged.

"I don't know. They had to reduce the ankle in the ambulance…"

"Ouch," Liam cut me off and I nodded. He had been through the same thing.

We sat down in the chairs, and an hour later J.J came limping out of a room. Apparently, and thankfully, there wasn't a fracture. But the ankle was sprained after the dislocation. She didn't want a cast, so she had compression bandages on the foot and she was also given an ankle brace to use.

—-

I watched as J.J sat in the window with her guitar. She played some chords, and then wrote down some words. It was true what she said earlier today; she wouldn't let me hear the song.

As I watched her I heard my phone beep, and I took it up to look at my text. I stared at it for a long time before J.J asked me what it was about.

"It's not possible," I promised her as I tossed her my phone. It wasn't possible, and J.J knew that. Well, I explained why it was impossible. That's why she took it calmly. Sort of. She looked angry, but so was I. Olivia couldn't just lie about something like that. It was wrong, and she knew that. But she did it.

J.J couldn't focus on the song anymore, and she put her guitar down. She put the guitar in the window, and slumped into the couch that stood right under the window. She placed her legs over my lap. She gave me my phone back, and I placed it on the couch next to me.

She scooped closer, and looked thoughtful.

"Don't tell me you believe her," I murmured and she looked up into my eyes.

"No, I believe you. But still… why is she doing this? Why is she claiming that she's pregnant?"

Lying, was the correct word. The text said that she was eight weeks pregnant, and it was impossible. We always used protection, and she was on the pills. And eight weeks ago… She wasn't even in this country then. When she got back, six weeks ago… I never slept with her between she got back and I broke up with her. And I didn't sleep with her for over a week before she left either. So if she was pregnant, than I couldn't be the father like she said. And she should have brains enough to figure out a better lie if she really wanted me back.

"She's been trying to get me back ever since I broke up with her."

"Why haven't you told me?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "Can't we just forget it? At least for tonight?"

I would take care of this tomorrow at school.

When she didn't answer me, I reached for the guitar and gave it to her.

"Play something," I murmured. I hadn't heard her sing in a while, and I missed it.

She straightened herself up and thought for a second before she found the right note and started playing. It wasn't one of her own songs, but it was one of her favorites. It was a good song, and I loved how she had slowed it down for her own version of it. I loved the raspy edge of her voice that she always had when she sang this song, and she didn't disappoint me this time either.

When she was done, I lifted her so that she was sitting in my lap. I wrapped both my arms around her as she put the guitar on the floor. She leaned her forehead against mine, and then our lips met for a few seconds.

"I was thinking about something," she murmured. "These two weeks we've had together… I'm starting to appreciate new things about you."

"Like what?" I asked her, meeting her eyes.

"Like how don't push me, and actually takes it slow with me. The way you touch me, the way you kiss me… Who would have thought you're such a good kisser?"

She smiled smugly, so I knew she was just teasing.

"And I'm really starting to appreciate the way you look in these jeans. Especially your ass."

I laughed at her comment, and pressed another kiss against her lips.

"Jeans or not, your ass always looks great," I promised and she chuckled softly. "I'm starting to appreciate new things about you as well."

"Like what?" she repeated my question.

"Like the way your lower lip sometimes trembles for a quarter of a second when we break a kiss, or the way they are slightly parted when you really wants to kiss me. Like right now."

She pressed her lips together, and I chuckled at her reaction. I raised my hand to her face to cup it gently, before I pulled her face to mine.

"You know what I appreciate more?" she asked when our lips lost touch. "How fast I was able to fall for you."

I leaned away half an inch to look at her properly. To see how serious she was. Her eyes were intense, and I could see that she had meant what she had said.

Without realizing it, I held my breath as I waited for her next words. Because I could tell that there would be more.

"I love you." Her voice was just as intense as her eyes, but at the same time it was very small and almost whispered.

I had to think about her words for a second before I actually understood them. I had been waiting to hear them for over a year, and now when I finally did… I had never imagined them so sound so good in my ears. I had wanted to say those words so many times to her, especially since that first real kiss, but when I almost said the words, she told me not to. And after that time I had waited patiently for her to say them, wanting to say them to her.

And now I finally could.

"I love you, Freckles," I murmured back and smiled before I leaned down the short distance to meet her lips. I captured her lower lip between my lips and sucked on it gently. I pulled her closer to me, and I wanted to stay in that moment forever.

Who cared about Olivia and that she claimed that she was pregnant? Who cared about what she did to J.J earlier today? Who cared that we had an exam tomorrow? Life was great. Love was great.

Our lips lost touch when I needed the air, but I let my lips trace over her skin. Her jaw, her throat, the crook of her neck… My lips wandered up to her throat again, where I sucked on her skin gently. I knew it was going to leave a mark, but that's what I wanted.

J.J chuckled softly as soon as she realized what I was doing.

"This is like the fifth hickey in two weeks," she stated and I let go. I glanced at the fresh hickey on her throat, realizing it might be hard to hide it. But I didn't care.

J.J might, though.

"It's only fair if I'll give you one," she added, and I met her eyes. I thought about it, and to be honest; she was right. But man, it's weird if a guy has a hickey. Maybe not weird as much as ugly.

"Do you remember the first time we met?" I changed the subject.

"How can I forget?" she murmured back.

"You scared me to death, y'know that?"

She laughed at my reply, and asked me why.

"I was all new in town, and I'm expecting everyone to be mean to me. First day at school, and from a dozen differents seats in the classroom, you sit down next to me. Without hesitating. You scared me, and I'm still wondering why you choose to sit next to me."

"You looked so lonely. I knew everyone had someone to sit next to but you, so I sat down in the seat next to yours."

"Thank god I looked so lonely. Without you, I probably still wouldn't be knowing anyone," I chuckled and she placed a kiss on my lips. She was the one who had introduced me to Liam. And Jenna. She already knew them, and we were all invited to her seventh birthday.

"Yeah, thank god for that," she murmured back and smiled softly with a beautiful smile.

—-

J.J took my hand and together we walked to school. Mom had told her that she didn't need to go, but J.J wanted to. It was just two days left until a break for a week, and it wasn't like J.J to skip school. Even though she would have to limp to it.

As we reached school, she didn't drop my hand like she usually did. We hadn't mentioned it last night, but I figured she was ready to take us one step longer. To show us as an official couple. So I squeezed her hand harder.

We met Liam and Jenna outside, and it was easy to notice where their eyes went – to J.J's and my hands twister together. They glanced at us, and then at each other. But they didn't say a word.

Olivia walked past us without looking, and J.J muttered the word 'bitch' under her breath. But it wasn't low enough for us not to hear it. Both Liam and Jenna stared at J.J in shock. They weren't used to hearing the fierce tone in her voice. And neither was I.

It was hard to get J.J pissed off, but Olivia had succeded.

"Ignore her. I do," I whispered and squeezed her hand tighter. I felt J.J relax a little by my side, but it wasn't much.

I would take care of Olivia later, but right now all that was on my mind was J.J.

"It's not that easy. Especially not when she's tripping you in front of the entire class."

I heard Jenna and Liam laugh quietly, and then we moved inside. J.J took the usual seat in front of me, and Liam took the one next to me. He picked up his phone.

I knew it was coming, and just a second later I got a text from him.

_'Dude, what's with the hand holding?'_

I wrote a quick answer, telling him that we were together.

_'The hickey's?'_

So he hadn't seen the new one, because I knew what he meant with that.

_'Put one and two together, and you'll get it' _I wrote back and I almost laughed as I watched his shocked expression.

_'Seriously, two weeks? Why the hell haven't you told me!'_

_'I'm tellin' you now.'_

_'Yeah, yeah… So what's with J.J calling Olivia a bitch?'_

_"I'll tell you later' _I promised and put my phone down as the teacher walked inside. A little help from Liam could always be good. We had always had each others backs.


	5. Hopes & misleadings

I put my toothbrush back and then walked into J.J's room. I actually hadn't seen her since school, and I guess we had some things to catch up on.

She was already under the covers, and I sat down beside her. It was obvious that she had been waiting for me.

"Did you find Olivia?" she asked before I even had the time to sit down properly, and I nodded.

"Yeah. It wasn't easy to get the truth out of her, but when Liam showed up… She's always been sort of scared of him."

"Scared of him?" J.J snorted and I chuckled.

"I know," I told her. Liam might be big, huge even, but he never used those muscles. If it wasn't for football. He's the only reason J.J and I were sort of popular – hanging out with a quarterback gives you that image.

He did have a big mouth though.

"So, the truth?" she continued.

"She's not pregnant."

J.J let out a sigh of relief, and I watched the corner of her mouth curve up into a smile.

"Good," she said. "How was your day?"

She reached her hand out and I took it without hesitating for even a short moment. Then she leaned her head against my shoulder. I rested the side of my head against the top of hers before I answered her.

"It was okay. How was yours?"

"Boring. It's not fun not being able to walk."

I raised my other hand and grabbed the side of her face. I turned it so that she faced me, and I met her eyes for a long moment before I leaned down.

I felt her soft lips against mine, and she kissed me back. I sucked on her bottom lip for a long moment before I felt her tongue brush over my lower lip. I opened my mouth and felt her tongue dart inside and I couldn't keep the quiet moan inside me as our tongues danced around together. The kiss quickly grew deeper and rougher, and tonight something was different. She kissed me with a force I hadn't felt before, and I loved it. She let go of my hand, and suddenly she was straddling me.

I let my hands trace over her body until they reached her thighs, and I noticed that she wasn't wearing anything else than an oversized t-shirt. She was always wearing short shorts, or pajama pants. This was actually the first time my hands were touching her thighs without fabric in between.

The tip of my fingers were almost touching the beginning of her ass, and I had to stop my hands from going any further. I felt her hands trace over my arms, and soon they were grabbing the hem of my shirt. She pulled it up and over my head, and as our lips touched again the kiss was even fiercer. As I lowered my hands again, I didn't stop them and they rounded her ass only to grab it, hating the fabric of her panties for being in the way.

We had been sitting like this for a couple of nights, but we were mostly just making out. This definitely wasn't the first time I touched her ass, but it was the first time she had taken the initiative to take my shirt off.

Her hands ran over my now bare chest and she locked her arms around my neck. My hands stayed on her ass, and I pulled her closer to me.

I heard her moan as I did so, and hearing her moan made me moan. Man, I loved the sound of her soft moan. It was just so… sexy. Hearing it was great. And knowing that _I'm _the one who made her moan… That's even better.

Without thinking about it, my right hand found it's way up and down under her shirt. It traced along her naked skin until it touched the underwire of her bra. I was about to go down under it, but her hand stopped me. Her lips left mine, and I opened my eyes. Hers were open as well, and I could easily read the lust in them.

Both of us were starting to gasp for air after the long and unbroken kiss.

"I don't want to disappoint you," she whispered and I shook my head.

"You won't." That was a promise, and she could hear it. How could she believe that she would actually disappoint me? That she even _could_ disappoint me?

"They're not exactly big."

I almost snorted. Almost, but I didn't.

"J.J-" I started, but she cut me off.

"Compared to Olivia's… I mean, hers are huge."

I grabbed her face between both of my hands, and looked deeply into her eyes.

"You think I would compare you to her? Seriously? Nothing, or no one, can compare to you. I love _you._ Just the way you are. I don't want you any other way."

Her serious face turned into a soft smile after a moment, but I stayed serious. She had to understand how serious I was about this. How much I cared about her, and how I would never, ever change anything on her. Despite the fact that I would give her a better confidence if I could. I wanted her to believe in herself, like I believed in her. She didn't see herself like I did. And I wanted her to.

"I love you, too. I'm just not… used to this. Any of it."

"You mean it," I stated.

"Yeah, I do."

"So Seth never… He never… touched you?" I didn't know how to express myself, so I did it like that. I mean, he must have touched her, right? Who didn't want to touch her?

I placed my hands on her ass again to emphasize my words, even though it really wasn't necessary. She knew what I meant.

"Not like this. Not like with you. I never felt w_anted _when I was with him."

"Do you now?" I made sure. She smiled again, and I had my answer.

"Yeah, I do. And I love feeling wanted like this."

"I want all of you," I promised and she leaned down. I felt her lips against mine again, and the kiss took form almost right where we broke it. It quickly grew fierce again, and as my hands traced over her side she didn't stop me. I hesitated for a few seconds before my hands ran over the fabric of her bra. When I felt her tense, I hesitated for another second. But she didn't do anything about it, and I let both of my hands grope her breasts. I might have been outside her bra, but still… This was the first time I'd come this far with her, and she didn't stop me this time. I must have assured her enough with my words, and I liked that. I even loved that – how easily I could assure her. How easily she believed me.

I scooped down so that I was on my back, lying down. Then I rolled so that J.J was underneath me, but I made sure I shifted my weight so that I wouldn't be crushing her.

I darted my tongue into her mouth, and I felt her tracing her hands along my back. She pulled me a little closer, but then she suddenly broke the kiss.

"Dean," she murmured and I knew what she meant. "I'm sorry, I'm not-"

"I know," I told her before she had the chance to finish. "And don't be sorry."

"I'm misleading you, and I shouldn't be. I'm not ready."

"You're not misleading me," I promised. And she really wasn't. I hadn't let go completely tonight because I knew this wouldn't be _the_ night. I don't know how I knew it, I just did. I knew she wasn't ready, and honestly, I don't think I was either. She wasn't ready for a whole other reason than I was. She wasn't ready because it would be her first time. I wasn't ready because I didn't _want _tonight to be our first time. I mean, Mom and Keith were downstairs. We weren't completely alone. I wanted this to be special, and I knew she wanted it to be special as well. And tonight wasn't special. If she would have been ready, I probably wouldn't have hesitated. I mean, God, I wanted her. In every way. I wanted her so bad. But what I didn't want was to hurt her. But that was probably inevitable. I knew it would most definitely cause her pain. Hopefully, it wouldn't. But it probably would and I wanted to be as careful as possible. I wanted to cause her as little pain as possible. And I hadn't figured out how to do that yet.

I flopped down on my back next to her and wrapped my arms around her. I felt her head against my chest, and I breathed her in.

"I'm tired," she murmured after a long moment and I searched until I found her lips. I pressed a soft, but chaste kiss on them as if to say goodnight.

I was about to climb our from her bed and get back into my room when I felt her hand around my wrist to stop me.

"Stay," she said and I nodded. We usually didn't sleep together. It was just that night after her father's funeral, and then there had been some few nights after that. I don't know why, it just was like that. But tonight she asked me to stay, so I would. But first, I had to take a shower. A cold one. Sleeping with a throbbing hard-on would not be comfortable.

"Give me fifteen minutes," I told her and she chuckled softly.

—-

"We have to go if we're gonna make it," she said and I shook my head. "Dean, school starts in twenty minutes. And I can't exactly walk quickly on this foot."

"Mom said we could borrow her car," I lied. I would be driving, just not Mom's car. Or Keith's. No, I was finally finished with mine. Liam and I had been working on it for almost a month and a half, but it was finally done. I can't believe it was actually supposed to be scrapped. Because of a problem that could easily be fixed. So I bought it for a few hundred bucks. Seriously, a 67' Impala for a few hundred bucks? What's wrong with the person who sold it? First of all, why did he want to scrap her?

J.J had no idea I was done with it, so she would probably be surprised.

Five minutes later, I pulled my jacket on and J.J opened the door.

"Wait here, I'll go get it," I said. I took the shortcut through the house to get to the garage. I opened the garage door and then sat down in the car to drive outside.

I pressed my lips together as I saw J.J's expression when she saw my new old car drive up in front of her. But I couldn't completely keep from laughing.

"You're done?" she smiled as she opened the door and sat down next to me. "And you painted her black."

I laughed again as she leaned closer to me.

"This deserves a kiss," she mumbled and I felt her lips against mine. Then she leaned back and I drove toward school. The normal five minutes walk took five minutes in the car as well. Mostly because we always took shortcuts when we walked, but we couldn't do that anymore.

"So, November is coming up," I said and she groaned.

"No," she protested, knowing what I was thinking about.

"C'mon Freckles, please?" I asked and she shook her head. Yeah, well I would get her into that talent show one way or another. I knew she had stage fright, but she had to overcome it someday. Someday might be in November. In front of the school. I mean, she should show people how good she is.

"Not even Jenna or Liam knows you can handle a guitar," I told her. I was pretty much the only one who knew she could sing. And that was just because I walked in on her when she was writing a song a few years ago. Otherwise I doubted that she would have told me.

"It's not my fault, okay? It's scares me to death just even _thinking_ about playing guitar in front of people. And singing… I don't even go that far in my mind."

"You have to overcome that stage fright one way or another," I argued.

"It's not through the talent show," she said with a determinate tone in her voice. As soon as I had stopped the car, she was out of it and started walking. She stopped next to Jenna and Liam like I knew she would and then together the four of us walked into school.

I kept thinking about a way to get J.J into the talent show as we walked by the posters on the wall. Today was the last day to sign up for it. Seriously? Man, I would never get J.J to do that today.

But I could always… no it was mean. Or was it? It would give me the time I needed to convince her. And if it still didn't work, then I could always…

"I'll be right back," I said as we reached our lockers and J.J watched me.

"What are you up to?" she asked, meeting me eyes. Really, she saw it that easy?

"Nothing. I'll see you in the classroom," I told her and then turned around. I rounded the corner and quickly found the poster again. Next to it was a list, already pretty much filled with names. I scribbled J.J's name on it, and then glanced at it. There, J.J was in the talent show.


	6. Taking new steps

"Can I shower there?" I asked, unsure what to pack. J.J watched me, already done. A long time ago.

"Yes," she answered, a smug smile on her lips as she chuckled.

"This would be a lot easier if you just told me where we're going," I stated and she chuckled again.

"That's not happening," she answered me and I looked into my bag again. I think I had everything. New clothes, toothbrush, toothpaste, towel… J.J said that she'd pack everything else.

"Am I forgetting something?" I asked her. I mean, she had been sitting there all along.

"Forget the phone," she said as I got it from the bed. I raised an eyebrow toward her and she answered me. "No cell reception."

"Are you taking me somewhere to kill me?" I asked, narrowing my eyes.

"You got me," she smiled softly and got up from the chair she was sitting in. "C'mon, we better get there before it gets dark."

Yeah, well there was a few more hours left until the sun would set. We had time.

She got her bag and then we walked downstairs. Mom and Keith was in the kitchen, and they stopped us on the way out.

"Have a good time," Mom smiled and I immediately knew that she knew where we were going. Was I the only one who didn't know? Seriously?

"You know where we're going," I stated and Mom smiled again.

"Of course I do," she answered me and I heard J.J laugh again.

"Am I the only one who doesnt?" I asked and J.J smiled at me.

"Pretty much, yeah. And I'm driving," she added and I looked at her.

"It's _my _car, _I'm _driving."

"You don't know where we're going."

"Again, things would be a lot easier if you just told me."

She smiled, turned around and walked outside with her bag. As she did so, she took the keys that was in a bowl in the hall.

"Good luck not killing each other," Keith said and I half glared, making both him and Mom laugh.

"See you on Sunday," I called over my shoulder as I turned around and followed J.J. She was already in the drivers seat as I tossed my bag in the back seat and then took a place next to her.

She started the car, and I soon realized we were going out of Woodstock. I asked her about it, but of course she didn't give me a proper answer. She just told me it would take a while to get to where ever we were going.

"Are we leaving Vermont?" I asked jokingly and she smiled as she shook her head.

"No, but almost."

"What do you mean, almost?"

"You'll see in about an hour and a half," she said and smiled.

I tried to figure out where the hell we were going, but it wasn't really going that well. And an hour and a half later, when we reached Cambridge, it didn't help much. A few moments later, we reached Jeffersonville.

"Jeffersonville?" I asked as she pulled over at a grocery store.

"Think hard, and you'll figure it out. I promise. Wait here, I'll be right back."

She climbed out of the car, walked into the store, and ten minutes later she returned with a bag in her hands.

"So, have you figured it out yet?" she asked as she climbed back inside.

"Absolutely not. I'm pretty much clueless," I told her and heard her laugh softly. She started the car again, and drove onto the road. Fifteen minutes later, she stopped again.

"You _are_ planning on killing me," I stated as I watched our surroundings. Woods. A lot of woods. Trees _everywhere._

"I told you I was, wasn't I?"

"So where is the gun? Or are you killing me with an axe?"

"I think I prefer a shovel, actually," she teased as she climbed out of the car. I followed her lead, and grabbed my bag. She grabbed hers and the bag from the store, but I quickly took it from her.

"You know, you really are stupid if you cant figure out where we are," she said and started to walk on a path. Well, actually, it was too small to be a proper path. It was just ground. Going upwards.

But I did have a pretty good guess on where we were, so I didn't answer her. Actually, we didn't say another word for the next couple of minutes. And by then, I knew my guess was right.

We were standing in front of a log cabin. It held two stories, and it wasn't huge. But it was big. It looked pretty old, and I knew it was. J.J's dad's great grandfather had built it and it had been in the family ever since.

I don't know how I knew it was their cabin, because I had never been here before. I had never even seen pictures. I guess I just knew.

"Are you sure?" I asked and I heard J.J sigh.

"Yeah. Besides, I didn't want to go here alone for the first time since… the last time."

I knew what she meant. The last time she had been here was Christmas, two years ago. With her family.

I followed her to the porch where she put down her bag and walked a few feet to the right. She lifted a small piece of wood, and took out a key. She put the piece back, and I noticed how it really melted in into the porch. If you didn't know where to look, you had no chance of ever finding that key.

"Forget you ever saw that, 'kay?" she said as she unlocked the door and grabbed her bag again.

"Yes, ma'am," I chuckled and she opened the door. She walked inside, and I followed.

"This is so not how I imagined it," I said, almost in awe. I had never seen a place like this before. It was huge, and open, and wow. The ceiling… I mean, it had to be almost twenty-five feet, maybe even thirty.

You walked straight into a living room, and from what I could see, there wasn't many more rooms. There was an entrance to a kitchen, and then two opened doors. One seemed to lead to a bathroom, and the other went to a bedroom I guessed. There was also a stairway that lead to what I could only assume was some sort of loft.

From the outside, this looked plain. But from the inside, it was like nothing I had ever seen before.

I heard J.J's bag drop to the floor, and I watched her. Her face didn't show much, but she was still easy to read. Because her eyes told me exactly what she was thinking.

"You okay?" I asked, placing a kiss on her shoulder. Then I rested my chin against it, and she met my eyes.

"It's harder than I thought it would be," she whispered. I wanted to pull her closer, but I couldn't because my hands were full. Before I even had the chance to put one bag on the floor, J.J grabbed the bag from the grocery store and walked towards the kitchen.

I dropped my bag next to hers, closed the door and followed her. She was unpacking only to put whatever she had bought in the right places. I didn't know where things were supposed to be, so I watched her. And the kitchen. The ceiling was as high, and just like in the living room the floor was of wood. The kitchen was open, and pretty big. The oven and the fridge and all the other stuff seemed pretty new.

"Can you open up the windows?" J.J asked, and I nodded before I did so. There was four to open in the kitchen, and there were eight in the living room. When I was done in the bathroom and was about to go into the next room, J.J stopped me.

"I'll take that one. You can take the one upstairs. Take the bags with you," she said. I glanced at her, and knew why. That was her parent's bedroom. Of course she wanted to take that one.

"I'm fine," she promised when she knew that I was about to ask. So I took the bags and walked upstairs. The ceiling was like a normal ceiling, and I noticed right away that there was only one room upstairs. It contained of a king sized bed and a chest of drawers. Probably for clothes.

I placed the bags on the bed and then opened up the windows to let in some air. The windows faced the mountains, and I could see the reflection of the woods on the lake. The sun was setting over the mountains, and this place was beautiful, I had to admit it.

I waited a few moments more, to give J.J some time, before I walked downstairs again. She was still in their room, so I went to the bathroom. I took my time in there, and realized that the shower was huge. When I walked out, almost five minutes later, she was still in there. I figured I had given her enough time, so I walked inside quietly.

She was sitting on the bed indian style, with a photo album in front of her. I could see a few tears rolling down her cheek. It was inevitable. I hadn't seen her cry since the funeral, and that was a month ago. Tomorrow. And I don't think she'd really had a real breakdown. Other from the one in school when she found out about her Dad. Other than that, no. She hadn't been crying anything.

I sat down on the bed next to her, and wrapped an arm around her.

"We had a fight, Julia and I. I can't even remember what it was about, y'know. We were always fighting, and never over anything important. She would take my stuff, or she would annoy me to levels you don't even know exists… Sometimes I swore to god that Mom and Dad just got her to make my life miserable. And that day… I don't know. I was in a bad mood. I had that fight with you, and Julia was driving me crazy. And Mom… Mom was just trying to calm us down. If we hadn't been fighting, she wouldn't have looked back at us. She would have seen the truck. She would have been here – _they _would have been here."

As she spoke, I had wrapped her closer and now she was completely in my arms. I knew this was hard for her. She rarely spoke of her family, and when she did it was never about the accident. I had no idea that she was fighting with her sister, and honestly: I had forgotten about our fight. And it was pretty huge too. Because of me, sort of. But then I heard about the accident, and I dropped everything. I could have lost my best friend; why bother fighting? There was just no point in it. It was useless.

"I keep telling everyone that I'm fine, but I'm not. I'm far from fine."

"Come here," I murmured and looked into her eyes. "It will be better."

"How can you know?"

"I can't," I said honestly. "But I know I'm here, and that I won't go anywhere."

A few tears had rolled down her cheek as she spoke, but she didn't fully let go before I said those words. She scooped closer to me and burrowed her head in the crook of my neck. As I felt her tears roll down her cheek and hit my t-shirt, I rested my chin against the top of her head.

I couldn't promise her that everything would be alright, because I didn't know. All I could do was hope. And I mean, I had never lost anyone. Sure, I knew her mom, and Julia was only two years younger than us. She went to our school. So I knew her too. But I had never lost someone close, and I was glad for that. Before the accident, I had never really thought about it. But now, it happened once in a while.

So no, I couldn't promise her that. But I could promise her that I wouldn't go anywhere, because I wouldn't. And if I was, someone had to drag me away because I would never leave her from free will.

—-

It was getting late, and J.J and I had just been getting something to eat. Now we were making the bed.

"I'm really sorry about before," she said as I helped her with the sheets. "The breakdown."

We sat there on the bed for almost two hours, and she was crying almost the entire time. But I couldn't blame her, and it certainly wasn't something she needed to apologize for. She just needed to get it out of her.

"Don't even think about it," I said and she smiled softly. She threw a pillow to me, and I quickly found a pillowcase to put on it. A moment later, we walked downstairs again and took a seat on the couch. It was placed underneath the loft, in lack of better description. The place underneath the loft was a part of the living room, but at the same time it was like a room of it's own. It consisted of a couch, a coffee table and an open fire.

"Tell me about this place," I said as she rested her legs over my lap.

"My grandfather gave it to Dad when he – _we_ – moved back here. Not here, but to Woodstock. Before that, his dad renovated it. It was getting old, and needed some improving. He didn't change much though. You know we went here every Christmas, even if Dad wasn't home. But you know we went here all the time. Dad loved this place, and so do I. It's sort of like a second home to me, I suppose. I still feel like that, even after everything. Even after my real home changed. Which is weird."

"Why?"

"Because it was so easy to feel at home at your house. That place had been like a third home to me since we were ten. But the transfer between it being a third home to my home… It was easier than I thought it would be. Sure, it took a while and I still miss the old house, but when I think of the word 'home' the first thing that pops into mind is that house."

I leaned in to give her a kiss, but she placed her fingers against my lips to stop me.

"Soon," she whispered. "I have to go to the bathroom."

And with that she left the couch. But she didn't go to the bathroom. She ran up the stairs, and a few moments later she came back down. She was holding something in her hand. This time she walked into the bathroom, and didn't come back out until almost five minutes later.

"Just so you know, I can't see much right now," she stated as she sat down on the couch again. She had changed her clothes, and was now wearing a tank top and a pair of shorts.

I chuckled at her comment and caressed her legs.

"Did you bring your glasses?" I wondered, knowing why she didn't see much. She had taken out her contacs. And she was pretty much blind without them. Not _blind_ blind, but she didn't see much. Just contours.

She snorted once at my question.

"You know I hate them." Then she changed the subject. "You know what's really irritating about having a boyfriend?"

"That boyfriend being me?"

"That boyfriend being you is a plus. What's annoying is that I have to shave my legs like all the time. Before we got together, no one cared if my legs were shaved or not. Of course you shave them more often in the summer. So having a boyfriend is like having summer all the time, and all you wear is skirts. Short skirts."

"Really, that bad?" It couldn't be that tiresome, right?

"Try shaving your legs every time you shower."

I thought about it, and saw her side of things. Yeah, it probably would be tiresome.

"Do we really have to talk about that?" I asked instead, and she chuckled.

"No. Besides, you never got that kiss."

She leaned closer to me as I leaned down, and our lips met.

"Did you just brush your teeth?" I asked and I felt her smiling against my lips.

"Of course I did. Now shut up," she mumbled and I felt her lips moving with mine again. Just to tease her, I continued talking.

"You know what I just realized? We're all alone. There's no worries that someone might walk in on us. There is no phone, so no one can interrupt us…"

She sighed, looked at me and then was about to leave again. But I grabbed her wrist and pulled her into my embrace.

"You're not going anywhere," I murmured and pressed my lips against hers again. This time I didn't break the kiss to speak, and neither did she. Knowing that we actually were completely alone, we quickly deepened the kiss and I cupped her face as I pulled her even closer. As I did so, she straightened up from her uncomfortable position and threw her legs over my lap again. Her arms snaked around me, and I felt her nails tracing patterns in my neck, causing chills to rise on my arms.

I felt her tongue tracing over my lower lip, and I parted them to let her in. As I felt her tongue inside my mouth, I let out a quiet moan, unable to stop myself. My hands found their way down her side, and stopped at her hips. I scooped her up into my lap, tracing my right hand over her side again. This time I stopped at her thigh, and she broke the kiss as she straightened up to pull her top over her head. As she threw it on the floor, I glanced at the long, faded scar that covered her ribs on her right side. I knew she had it, but I had never seen it. I was surprised by how quickly it had faded, though. In only a little more than a year, it looked like she would have had it for almost three, or maybe four years.

She grabbed my face, and I lifted my gaze to her eyes again. She looked into mine as she released my face and grabbed the hem of my t-shirt. She was almost sitting on it, so she tucked it up and then pulled it over my head. As she leaned down to kiss me again, my hands found her face and I stopped her. Because I knew where this were leading.

"Are you sure?" I asked, knowing that she probably was. She could control herself better than I could. She wouldn't have taken this this far if she wasn't sure.

"Yeah," she answered simply, about to kiss me again. This time I let her, and our lips moved slowly together. Hard, but slowly. Sitting at the furthest end of the couch, I leaned down forward. J.J's head reached the end of the couch, and I moved so that I were in a more comfortable position. I pulled her down just a little bit, and then positioned myself so that my right side of my body lay over her. But I was careful not to shift all my weight on her, not wanting her to be uncomfortable. But she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me down over her. I broke to kiss to let her breathe, but I placed kisses down her skin. The side of her throat, her shoulder, her collarbone… Oh god, those collarbones. I heard her swallow hard, probably to suppress a moan, as I darted my tongue out and against her collarbone. I licked it before I sucked on it gently, finding her right breast with my hand. As I squeezed it, I heard the moan I wanted to hear and that I knew would come. Her breath quickened as my lips traced down her skin yet again. This time over the roundness of her breast, the area right under her bra and then finally stopping at her scar. With my lips I felt the pink scar tissue curving outwards, and I kissed the scar from the start to the end. I wanted her to know that I really didn't care that she had a scar. I knew she hated it, but it was a part of her, and who she was.

Then my lips found their way back to hers, and right before they met I stopped myself again.

"Are you really sure?" I made sure again. She opened her eyes, and she smiled softly.

"I want this. I love you. I trust you. I'm sure, I promise."

"Good," I murmured as I pressed my lips against her again. But only for a short moment because then I climbed over her and straightened up as I stood on the floor. We weren't going to do this on a couch, and she knew that. So she took my hand as I reached it out and she lead the way up the stairs and to the bed.


	7. All different kind of news

I was on my stomach, one arm under the pillow and one arm beside me.

"What are you thinking about?"

"You," I murmured back, still pretty much asleep. But I told her the truth. I was thinking about her. And last night.

Last night had been… great. At least for me. I hadn't really gotten a chance to ask her about it yet. But I had a feeling it wasn't as great for her. She didn't exactly say it, but I did hurt her. I could see it. I wasn't blind, and I knew her face all too well. Sure, she had enjoyed it too but it was painful.

I told her to take a warm shower, hoping it would help, and as she did I had found some clothes to put on again. And I noticed that there was blood on the sheets. There wasn't much, not at all, but it was there which was bad enough. So while she showered, I had changed the bottom sheet and thrown the other one in a laundry pile.

She took her time in the shower, and I was asleep when she returned. I didn't mean to fall asleep, it just happened.

"You okay?" I asked, still not opening my eyes.

"Better than last night," she stated and I looked at her. She was on her back, her hair a mess and still damp from the shower, and she was wearing a t-shirt. Mine from last night actually.

I wanted to see her face when I asked her the next thing.

"Do you regret it?"

She almost looked shocked, surprised that I had asked. Almost like she didn't think I would.

"No! Of course not, Dean. How can you think that? Yes, it did hurt. But I had expected so much. And I told you I wanted to, right? I wouldn't have told you that if I wasn't sure, and I still am. This is a moment I will be able to look back at in fifty years and know that I did the right choice. I know I won't regret it being here. Or now. And absolutely not with you."

I smiled at her answer, and she looked relieved.

"A simple 'no' had been great," I grinned and she chuckled.

Still with one arm under the pillow, I wrapped my free arm around her waist and dragged her closer. Our legs twisted around each other, and my hand found it's way down under the t-shirt and up again.

"You're aware of where you're hand is, right?" she smiled, clearly teasing.

"Very much, but I can't help it. It likes it there," I murmured and she chuckled again.

"God, you're such a seventeen-year-old guy. You just can't get enough."

"It's your fault for not wearing a bra," I told her and she laughed.

"Your hand would have been there even if I were wearing one," she stated and I knew that she was right.

"I don't get how you can think that they are small."

"Because they are."

"They're perfect. Normal. Natural."

And natural was the keyword. Olivia's had been natural, when we started going out. But she never really liked the way she looked. Her family had money, and her mom is pretty weird. So no, they weren't natural anymore.

J.J sat up, my arm falling down to her waist again. She were staring at me with wide eyes.

"Olivia's are…" she asked, picking up on the keyword.

"Fake," I finished for her.

"Hm. So that's why they got… huge over the summer," she pondered. She still looked shocked when I pulled her down to me again.

"I don't want to talk about that, 'kay?" I murmured against her lips, placing a soft kiss on them. She kissed me back, wrapping her arm around my torso and twinning her legs with mine. I turned to my side and pressed my lips against hers again.

"Can I tell you a secret?"

"What?" she asked and I smiled against her lips.

"Small breasts are sexy, and I love yours. I wouldn't want them any other way."

"Me neither," she murmured back. "I like them the way they are."

"Then why were you worried about what I think about them?"

"I don't know. I guess I thought you'd like them bigger."

"Do you still think that?" I asked and she shook her head. "What convinced you?"

"Mostly last night."

"Speaking of… Did you plan that?"

"What makes you think I did?"

"You brought a condom."

"So did you," she stated, smiling against my lips.

And I did. But only because I felt that maybe, maybe something might have happened during this weekend. I don't know why, but my gut told me to bring one. No, I might not have known where we were going but I figured we had to sleep somewhere. And sleeping often meant a bed. Or a tent. But it was getting to cold for a tent, so I did bet on a bed.

And besides, it felt like we had been getting closer and closer to taking us to a new level.

"I bring a condom everywhere," I teased and she slapped me softly on the arm.

"Speaking of that…" she said after she finished laughing, turning serious. "Was I bad?"

I stopped smiling, and looked at her. Did she really believe that?

"You were great."

"No, I wasn't," she argued. God, she really needed to believe in herself more.

"It was your first time, and you were great. Next time, you will be amazing," I promised and smiled just thinking about a next time. A next time with J.J.

"So I was good enough for a next time?" she smiled, and I heard that she believed me. Now she was just teasing.

"I'm kinda horny right now," I told her honestly and watched her smile grow bigger. I felt her lips against mine again, and my hand found her breast one more time. She smiled into the kiss, and I knew exactly what she was thinking. Yeah, I was like a seventeen-year-old guy. But that's only because I was one. Yes, I wanted more. And yes, I wanted it now.

She moved from my side and straddled me, her lips meeting mine with a harder force. Her hair would have been in my eyes if I weren't closing them, and she knew it. So she broke the kiss, straightened up and took a cord from her wrist to put in her hair. She placed it in a bun, and then she was kissing me again. Our lips were moving hard together in unison, and they were almost on fire.

Seriously, I could easily be kissing her for the rest of my life and it would be enough. I loved kissing her, and I would never get tired of feeling her soft, full lips against mine.

My hands found her hips, and I pulled her closer to me. She smiled into the kiss, and then she chuckled.

"Already?" she asked, indicating on my hard-on.

"I told you I'm horny. Besides, it's morning."

"Morning. Right, that explains it," she chuckled against my lips before they pressed together again. I quickly darted my tongue into her mouth, and my hands rested on the small of her back. Her lips left mine and as they traced over my skin I closed my eyes. They traced over my chest and down toward my stomach.

"How come I've never seen this one before?" she asked, and I didn't have to open my eyes to know what she was talking about. Her thumb were caressing a spot right above the waistband of my boxers, on my hipbone.

"It's a birthmark, and you probably didn't notice it last night because it's tiny. And your eyesight is horrible." And she hadn't really been down there with her eyes. Or mouth for that matter.

I felt her lips pressing against it for a short second before her lips were on mine again. I grabbed the hem of the shirt she was wearing and pulled it over her head right before I spun us around so that she was on her back. My lips kissed their way down to her breasts, where I sucked on one of her already erect nipples as I caressed her other breast with my hand.

I heard her moan, and I suppressed a smile. I loved how easily I did this to her, and how easily she did the same to me.

I left her breast and traced my way down to her navel and the edge of her hipsters.

"Calvin Klein, huh?" I asked, finding her lips again.

"You wear them too, so shut up and kiss your girlfriend."

"I don't think I'll ever grow tired of hearing that. Or seeing you naked," I smiled and she chuckled.

"If you behave, you might get to see me naked again," she teased.

"You are."

"I'm half naked. Just like you."

"So, what do I have to do to see you naked?" I asked, touching the edge of her hipsters again. This time with my fingers, letting two of them slipping down under the waistband.

"You can start with getting rid of those boxers, no matter how sexy you look in them," she murmured. "And then you can find a condom."

Oh god, she was thinking my kind of way.

I placed a kiss on her lips before I climbed out of the bed and stood up. I took a few paces and found my bag. I looked in the outside compartment, and found the condom I had brought with me.

I tossed it to J.J who caught it, and then I walked up to the bed again. I put my hands inside my boxers, ready to pull them down when I hesitated.

It's not like I was hesitating because I was afraid of showing everything to her. I had done that plenty last night. And even though J.J wasn't fully comfortable last night when I unclasped her bra, she sure looked comfortable where she was now.

No, I hesitated because I took this moment in. The beauty she was possessing in this moment. I couldn't understand the people I had heard say that they thought she was plain or ordinary. Nothing about her was plain. Not her inside, not her outside. She was beautiful, in her own way. Her personality was one of a kind, and it shone through. It really did, and that's only one thing that made her beautiful. But then there was those hazel eyes, those full lips, that heart shaped face. The way she held her body, the arch of her neck, her grace… And now, when she was in a vulnerable situation, she was more beautiful than ever. The way she was biting her lower lip in anticipation, and probably nervousness, the way her hazel eyes were staring into mine without breaking the gaze…

I had always found her beautiful, but now she was so much more than just that.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked, and I told her exactly what I was thinking.

"You're beautiful. And amazing."

I watched the corner of her mouth curve up, and I smiled because she did.

"Didn't I tell you to get rid of the boxers?"

"I think the exact term is boxer briefs, actually," I stated as I pulled them down and let them fall to the floor.

She laughed at my comment, and I noticed how her gaze left my eyes and went down.

"Get over here," she said, and I didn't hesitate as I leaned down to capture her lips with mine. I placed a knee between her legs, climbing into the bed and lay down on top of her. I didn't have time to shift my weight before I rolled us over. It would be easier to roll the condom on if I were on my back.

I was about to take the condom from her hand, but she stopped me.

"Let me." She made it sound like a question, even though it wasn't. So I nodded, and watched her small smile. She took the condom out of the box and gently rolled it on. I didn't think it was possible at this point, but I actually got harder feeling her gentle fingers doing so.

"Are you sure you've never done that before?"

"Watching you do it once gave me the knowledge I needed," she murmured as she found my lips. I captured her lips with mine again, and gently sucked on her lower lip.

I wrapped my arms around her and rolled us over, this time so that she was on her back again. Then I fingered on the edge of her hipsters, pulling them down as far as I could. After that she helped me by kicking them off, and they probably landed somewhere on the floor.

As we did that, we didn't break the kiss, and we didn't as I traced my hands to her thighs, parting them, either. Darting my tongue into her mouth, I positioned myself by her entrance and I heard her moan as I gently and carefully pushed inside her.

I didn't break the kiss as I pulled out and then pushed inside her again. And even though her eyes were closed, I kept mine open. I wanted to read her face, wanted to know if she felt any pain.

But this time she didn't, and I smiled into the kiss as I thrust into her again, and again. Her hips moved with mine, meeting my thrusts as her legs locked themselves around my waist. With the help of her calves, she pulled me closer to her, deeper inside her, and I moaned into her mouth as I finally closed my eyes. As I softly bit her lower lip, I felt her nails piercing into the skin on my back and this time we moaned together.

It was hard to believe that she had only done this once from the way she was moving under me, and the way she made it feel like she was a pro. The way she made me feel, the way she made me sound.

But it was so much more than that. For the last month together, it felt like we were made for each other. I had felt it in the kisses, and the touches and the way we could talk to each other. The way we made each other feel. I know it sounded cheesy, but it's true. And now, taking our relationship to a new level, I was even more sure. It felt like we were… designed for each other. And this probably sounded even more cheesy, but she was the best thing that had even happened to me. She made me into a better person. And I never wanted to loose her. Ever.

Her fingers gripped my hair tightly, and I knew that she didn't have a long way to falling of the edge. And neither did I. I probably had a shorter way than she did, so I tried to hold myself back as I gave her all of me.

It was hard to kiss her as her lips trembled in pleasure, but neither of us broke the kiss. My thrusts were getting faster and harder, and I knew that she was giving every single part of herself to me. She wasn't holding back, and neither was I. We reached climax at the same time, she only a few seconds after me, and I forced my eyes open. As her back arched, and her breasts pressed against my chest, I was able to watch the last seconds of her orgasm on her face. I could see the expression that went with the amazing sound that left her lips as she softly cried out with pleasure. And that was seriously one of the cutest, sexiest, and most adorable expressions I had ever seen on her. Or on anyone.

As her back fell back on the mattress, we both relaxed and I almost collapsed on top of her. I placed a kiss in the crook of her neck, closed my eyes again and rolled of her. We laid there for a while, our breaths uneven and both of us panting, trying to recover.

"Wow," we breathed at the same time, causing us to laugh right after.

"Was that just me, or was that way better than last night?" she asked, meeting my eyes. I looked into hers, not even sure what to say.

"That was… wow," I agreed and she chuckled again, smiling my way.

* * *

><p>"You've been watching that thing all day," I said, glancing at the object underneath the white sheet. "What is it?"<p>

I watched her take a deep breath, and she walked up to the object. It was standing in the living room, by one of the windows, and it was huge.

"This is one of Dad's most precious possessions," she said and carefully pulled the sheet off. Under it was a piano, clearly very old from the design. But it was still in one piece, and it looked almost new. Greg had clearly been taking good care of it.

"It's a Steinway L Queen Anne. Built in 1929, Steinway's Golden Years, and is made in Walnut. The keys are of ivory, and this piano is worth a fortune."

"You know I have no idea of what you're talking about," I said and she smiled.

"I know. But to a musician, this is something most of us dream about owning. Every Steinway piano is handmade, and takes about a year to make. Dad bought this beauty in 1987, I think, and he spent most of his lifesaving's on her. He's lucky he hadn't met Mom yet, because she would not have been happy about him spending so much money on something as 'stupid as a piano', as she expressed herself many times."

"I take it your Mom didn't like it?"

"She loved it, and hearing him playing on it. She just… didn't appreciate the price."

As she spoke, she walked closer and lifted up the lid - is that what it's called? - and locked it so that it was opened. The strings, and everything else was showed, and she blew away the dust that had been collected inside the piano. It wasn't much though, probably because of the sheet.

Then she hesitated for a second before she walked around the piano and sat down on the piano stool. It matched the piano, the fabric on top was white, and the stool was big enough for both of us. I sat down next to her, and realized that the stool was softer than I thought it would be.

I was quiet as she placed her hands on the lid for the keyboard, hesitating for only a short moment before she lifted it and showed a number of white keys. But that's not all.

On the keys were also an envelope, a folded piece of paper resting upon it. J.J's name was written on the paper and she took the piece of paper in her hands. As she unfolded it, I looked at the envelope on the piano. Her name was on it, written in the same handwriting as the name on the piece of paper.

"There's more," I heard J.J mumble. I watched her as she put the note down, moved from the stool and walked to the other side of the room. She sat down on the floor, knowing exactly where to look. She put her nails between two floorboards, and suddenly she was holding one in her hand. Seriously, was this place made for secrets?

As she put her hand down, I looked at the note to see what she had meant with 'there's more'.

In the same handwriting, a few lines of words were written down.

_'Vixey, I don't know what date, or even year it is, but I knew you would come here someday. And I knew you would find this note here. Since you were born, I've been writing a couple of letters, just like the one in the envelope. You know where to find them. Find a place where you can be yourself, and start with the first one.'_

I felt J.J sit down next to me again, this time a bunch of envelopes in her hand.

"How many?" I asked, and she took the one from the piano.

"Seventeen with this one," she said, putting them all in a pile.

"All from your Dad?" I asked and she nodded. I had figured that they were from him.

"There's fourteen for Julia too," she whispered. "I had no idea he was even writing them."

"How did you know where to look?"

She smiled sadly at a memory, and then chuckled softly.

"I think I was six. Mom was busy with something in another room, and Dad was playing. I was bored, and accidentally found a loose floorboard. Dad and I kept it as a secret, and we never told anyone. Over the years, we forgot about it. Or at least I thought we did."

"So… _Vixey_?"

"It's not what you think it is," she smiled and looked into my eyes.

"Oh, I'm not thinking anything," I grinned. "But where have I heard that before?"

I could swear that I had heard it somewhere, I just didn't know where.

"When I was like four, five, I had this one favorite movie. I knew all the lines, and I had two favorite characters. Boomer and…"

"Vixey," we said at the same time.

"I liked Copper," I remembered and she smiled.

"Yeah, I never really liked him. Not the old version anyway. But he and Tod were cute when they were young."

We laughed together, and I leaned down to press a soft kiss on her lips.

"It's strange," she murmured when I leaned out.

"What is?"

"I only saw Dad a few times a year. Two, three. Five if I was lucky. He rarely stayed for more than a week or tops two. He wanted to, but he was needed. And despite all of that, I was so much closer to him than to Mom. She had her theories about that. Our love to the music, the fact that I'm just like him… I don't know why, but yeah, we were closer. From the second I was old enough to read, and write, we would do it all the time, y'know? He never once wrote about the bad parts, just the good stuff. How lucky he was to have met new friends, how fun they could have back at the base… I can't remember a single letter where he even mentioned that he had lost one of those friends. Sometimes he got a chance to call, and when he was home… God, we would sit up all night and just talk. About everything. We might have been tired, but we kept each other awake. And the things I could talk to him about… He's actually the first person I talked to about you. I was six, and the words on that paper was big, misspelled and pink. I think the exact words were_ 'I met a boy named Dean today'_. Met with two t. And I might have misspelled your name."

I laughed at the last part, and so did she.

"Who knew, I'm dating someone who can't spell my name," I teased and she shoved me gently with her shoulder.

"Shut up," she laughed and I laughed too before I pressed a soft and chaste kiss on her lips. She kissed me back, and sighed as she broke the kiss.

"I miss him," she whispered.

"I know," I murmured and then changed the subject. "Play something?"

She thought for a second before her gaze went to the piano, but I kept looking at her. I watched as she placed her hands on the keys, her fingers resting on them. She played a note, but then shook her head. She thought again, played another few notes and then frowned. I thought it sounded great, but clearly she didn't.

"Now you got me thinking," she murmured, and closed her eyes as I smiled. She let out a breath, relaxed and moved her hands from the keys to her side.

She was quiet for a moment, clearly thinking about something. But then she lifted her hands again, and with her eyes still closed her fingers played again. This time she was happy with the result, and after only a moment I recognized the song as one of her favorites. And it was a good song. She does have pretty good taste in music.

I watched her, amazed at what she was doing. I had never heard her play the piano before, but here she was; playing with her eyes closed.

She opened her mouth then, and I smiled again as I heard her voice along with the soft tones of the piano.

This was a few minutes of pure pleasure. People really need to know how god she is.

As I heard the music stop, I confessed what I did over a week ago.

"I signed you up for the talent show."

"You did what?" she asked, meeting my eyes. "Why would you do that? Especially since I told you I don't want to." Yeah, she was not happy about this. But I had to make her see my point.

"J.J, listen to me. You're far too good not to show people how good you are. You just gave me chills! That's how good you are, and you need to see that. And can you look me in the eyes and tell me truthfully that you don't want to sing in front of people? Because if you can, I'll scratch your name myself first thing Monday. But I think you want to."

She looked into my eyes for a long time, biting her lip, before she finally sighed.

"Yeah, I want to. But I can't. Dean, I can't."

"The only reason you're not entering that show is because you're scared. And I get that, okay? I know you're scared."

"Then why did you sign me up?"

"Because you need to face that fear. Remember what your Dad used to say?"

"Courage if fear holding on a minute longer," she murmured and I nodded.

"At the funeral, you said you believed him. Right? So if you do, hold on a minute longer. Face your fear, and make me proud. Make him proud."

"Why do you always know exactly what to say?" she whispered and I smiled.

"It's a gift I have. Just like you. So, will you use it?"

"I'll think about it," she gave up and I smiled again.

"That's all I'm asking," I told her and leaned down to give her one more kiss. This one lasted a moment longer than the others, and it was a little deeper as well.

"Thank you," she said as we leaned out and I asked her for what.

"For everything. Coming here with me…"

"In my defense; I had no idea where we were going," I said, and then added, "But I would have followed if you told me."

She continued to talk as if I hadn't interrupted her.

"Making me realize that I love you, being there for me yesterday. For not pushing me."

"I could never do that," I told her the truth. It had never even crossed my mind to push her for sex. I knew it would happen when it happened, and when we both wanted it to happen. And I was glad that we had waited until last night. Last night was special. Last night meant something. This place was special, and this place certainly meant something to her.

"Did I ever tell you the real reason why I called it off with Seth?" she asked, and I frowned.

"Everything with the accident, right?"

"Yeah, that too. But there was more. He was pushing me. All the time. Even after the accident, he kept pushing me. It made me feel unwanted, and like he was only in the relationship for one thing. Sex. I never fell for him, and I just… I didn't want things to be like that. I wanted things to be… unforced. Easy."

"It's easy for us…" I murmured and she smiled.

"As easy as breathing. What we have is exactly what I was looking for. What Dad told me I deserved."

"I love you."

"I love you too," she answered me and I kissed her back when she pressed her lips against mine.

* * *

><p>"I wanna go home," I heard J.J say and from the tone in her voice I knew exactly what she meant. She didn't mean home as in home – because I was just reaching Woodstock's town limit.<p>

No, she meant home as in _home._

"I can talk to mom, and we could go together. Over Christmas maybe," I offered and she looked at me.

"Would you really do that?"

"Yeah, I would. It's the place you were born. It's half of who you are. You have relatives there, and your brother. You lived there for three years before you moved here. I would want a chance to get to know that part of you."

No, J.J hadn't lived in Woodstock her whole life. She hadn't even lived in the United States her whole life. Her Dad was from here, but her Mom was from Sweden. J.J's Mom met her Dad on a business trip when she was twenty five, and they fell in love. J.J was born a few years later, and when J.J was three her Mom moved with her and Julia to Vermont.

And yeah, J.J had a brother. He was seven when J.J was born, and she hadn't seen him in almost three years.

"Do you think your mom will agree?"

"Probably not," I confessed. Yes, Mom could be understanding, but letting us fly to another country? Probably not.

"Maybe I can get Keith to talk her into it."

"I'd like that," she smiled and I smiled with her.

"I really liked this weekend," I told her and her smile grew smug.

"You just think that because you finally got some," she said as she chuckled.

"I'm serious, Freckles. And I would love to go there again… But yeah, that too."

I laughed with her as she took my hand and squeezed it.

"I liked it too," she confessed and I smiled again. "And I liked having you with me. It was… different."

I turned into our street, and I didn't have the time to answer her.

"Who's here?" J.J suddenly asked, and I frowned.

"What?"

"There's someone here. But I don't know who," she explained and I looked at the direction she was. And she was right. There was a car standing outside our house, and I had never seen it before. It wasn't new, but it wasn't old.

"No idea," I told her and turned right and drove into the garage since it was empty. I stopped the car and didn't bother to lock when I climbed outside. I mean, we're in a garage.

J.J and I climbed out at the same time, and I took her bag from her as she grabbed it. She had other stuff to carry. She had more stuff with her home than when we left two days ago.

There was the letters from her Dad, which she still hadn't read, and then there was a few photo albums and a few other stuff.

"I can take it," she said but I shook my head.

"Too late," I told her and she smiled before she turned around and walked into the house. I closed the door to the garage as I walked inside, and both J.J and I heard two voices. One belonged to Mom, and the other one to a man. Probably the owner of the car.

"We're back!" I called out and Mom appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. It was probably just me, but I could have sworn that she was showing. Could that happen in just three days? What was it now, fourteen weeks? She should be showing by now, right?

"Dean, can I talk to you for a second?" she asked, and she looked serious. Sounded serious as well.

"Let me just leave my bags," I said but I felt J.J taking them from me.

"I'll take them," she said and before I had the chance to say anything she was running up the stairs.

Okay then, I thought and followed mom into the kitchen.

Just like I guessed, she wasn't alone in there. There was also a man. He was older, probably a few years older than mom, and had a shabby look. He definitely hadn't shaved in a few days, and he looked at me as I entered the kitchen.

Mom sat down beside him, and told me to sit down as well. So I took the seat opposite to her.

"Where's Keith?" I asked, knowing he wasn't home. Their car wasn't here after all.

"He's at work," she answered me.

"It's Sunday," I said, and she said that they were a man short and he was called in. So he probably wouldn't be home until tomorrow. Life as a firefighter, everybody.

"How was your weekend?" she asked and I noticed how the man glanced at me, and then looked at her. Almost like he wanted her to hurry up with something.

It was amazing. "Great," I answered instead. "The whole place is great."

"Good," she smiled and I hoped she wouldn't figure out too easily what J.J and I had been doing.

"So what did you do?" she asked, almost prolonging something. Again, the man looked at her with an almost irritated expression. Seriously, who was he? And he sort of looked at me in a creepy way. Like I was someone from outer space or something.

"Not much Friday, and then yesterday she found letters from her Dad and I heard her play the piano for the first time."

Mom smiled, and the man kept looking at me.

"Mary," he said and mom lost the smile. She turned serious again.

"Who is that?" I asked, not caring if I were discreet or not. Which I wasn't.

"Dean," Mom said and took her hands in mine. Okay, seriously, she was freaking me out. I rarely saw mom this serious, and when she was, it was always about something _really_ serious.

"Mom?" I asked, prompting her to speak. Not that I think I actually wanted to know what she was about to say.

"Dean," she said again. "This is John Winchester. Your… your father."

* * *

><p>"So what, he just showed up?" Liam asked as I shot the puck toward goal. Hard. And I hit Liam. "Shit, I don't have any frigging gear!"<p>

"Neither am I. And, sorry," I apologized and he shot the puck back to me. "And yes, he just showed up."

"So what did he say?"

"I don't know, I didn't really listen. I told Mom years ago I didn't want to know who he is, and now when things are just the way I want them to be, he shows up with an explanation for why he has been absent. He said something about not knowing that I existed, and when he found out he was too big of a coward to actually find Mom. And me."

"When did he find out?"

"Fifteen years ago," I said and shot the puck again. This time he didn't miss it, and shot it right back to me.

"What a jerk."

"I know, and it couldn't be worse timing either. Mom and Keith told me the other that he wanted to adopt me."

"Seriously?" he asked, threw the hockey stick to the ground and then he was next to me in just a few seconds. "Is he serious?"

"Yeah. And I mean, why not? I've known him since I was what, eight? We've lived in the same house since I was eleven. He's already the father John Winchester had the chance of being fifteen years ago."

"Does J.J know?"

"About John, or the adoption?"

"Both?" he made it sound like a question, and I answered it.

"The adoption, yes. I told her about it this weekend. And John, no. As soon as they were done, I sort of just left for your house. Besides, she's got some other things on her mind right now."

"Like what?"

"No," I said, shaking my head. Those letters were personal enough as it was and I wouldn't go telling people about them. That was her choice.

"So, speaking of J.J," he said and skated back to the goal. He took up the stick again, and passed me the puck. I captured it easily, and shot it into the goal without Liam even realizing what I did.

"What about her?" I asked.

"You should join the school team. It can bring us to state champion."

"We're always in the state champion," I told him and he laughed.

"Yeah, but maybe we'd had a chance of actually winning with you on the team."

"You can join it," I told him, knowing it was true. We had been on the same hockey team since forever. But just like with me, he only did it to keep in shape. Football was the game for him.

"You're better than me, and I'm busy with football."

"You mentioned J.J?" I asked and he shot the puck to me again and I shot it back into the goal.

"So, what did you two do this weekend?" he grinned and I chuckled.

"I told you before," I said. And I had. I just hadn't told him everything.

"I think you left something out," he said and I wasn't really surprised that he had it figured out. We had known each other for a long time after all.

"But I didn't,"

"She totally gave you some of that sweet ass this weekend, am I right?"

I knew he was just teasing, trying to get me to talk, but I still didn't like the fact that he talked about her like that.

"I'm not gonna talk to you about this," I told him and skated back to the rink. He followed me a few seconds later, and we left the ice.

"Meaning 'yes'."

"That doesn't mean that," I stated as I laced up my skates.

"So, you don't picture her while whacking…-"

"Liam, seriously, I'm not talking to you about this," I cut him off and he laughed again.

"See? It totally means 'yes'."

"Can we change the subject?"

"You love her right?" he asked and I moved my gaze from the lacing to him. He looked pretty serious.

"C'mon, you realized it before I did," I told him, laughing. "Why?"

"No, nothing. It's just nice, you know?"

Knowing him so well, I knew that wasn't what he had been thinking about. And I also had a good guess on what he had been thinking about.

"How about Emily?" I asked. They had been going out a few times.

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen," he said as he stood up and I followed. I put my stuff back in my bag, and Liam put his in his bag.

"Why not?" I asked as we walked down from the bleachers and started toward the exit.

"Horrible at kissing. Nightmare," he clarified and I laughed again.

"Did I miss anything this weekend?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Not much. Practice Friday was boring. And next Friday it's cancelled. Something about Coach going somewhere…" He continued to talk, but I didn't listen. I felt a smell I could have sworn was a bad smell. It smelled almost like something was burning. And as we rounded the corner, I knew why. Something was on fire. The whole frigging exit was blocked by fire. And there was only one way out.


	8. Maybe just 'If'

**So, this is the first, and absolutely not last, chapter from J.J's POV. I hope you will like it :3**

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><p>I stared at the box in front of me, trying to hold all of my emotions back. I've had that box pretty much my whole life, and it composed of all the letters I had received from Dad. After he died, I found out he had kept every letter from me as well and now they were in that box.<p>

My eyes left the box and went to my hands. I was holding the seventeen letters in my hand that I had no idea of that he had even written to me, and I knew I wanted to read them. I just wasn't sure that I was ready. I had a strange feeling that the last one was written in the hospital, and I wasn't sure I wanted to read it.

Yes, I wanted to know what he wrote, what he had to say, but I wasn't sure I would like it.

I sighed and placed them behind all of the other letters, knowing I would easily find them. They were all numbered.

I put the lid back on and placed the box where it had been for a year – under my bed – before I climbed out of it and left my room. It had been almost two hours since Dean and I came back and I wondered where he was. What his mom wanted to talk to him about.

Mary was still in the kitchen with the man, but Dean wasn't there. I instantly knew he was somewhere with Liam. I don't know why, I just knew. I was planning on going out to see Jenna, maybe that's why.

"Do you know where Dean is?" I asked anyway as I entered the kitchen.

"I don't know. He left over an hour ago, without saying anything," she answered and I knew she was hiding something. Trying to hold some emotion back. There was a tension between Mary and the man, and I wondered who he was. And what he was doing here. Mary didn't seem pleased about it.

But at the same time, I looked at the dark features the man held. The dark hair, the facial expressions… It somehow felt like I had seen him somewhere. I just didn't know where.

It was… annoying. To not know.

"Can I talk to you about something?" I asked, knowing I should probably do it know when Dean wasn't here.

"Sure," she smiled and got up. Then the phone rang. "Just let me get that."

I nodded and went to get some water. But I didn't have the time to drink it before I heard Mary's worried voice.

"Dean's at the hospital."

"What?" I felt myself panicking as I turned around. Mary was already moving out of the kitchen and I followed her in less than a second. "Is he okay?"

"I don't know," she answered as she threw her coat on.

"Why?" I asked as I followed her lead outside the door, ignoring my jacket. I really didn't care that it was the end of October and cold outside. Mary didn't answer me until we were in the car and I barely noticed that the man had joined us inside.

"That was Keith. There was a fire at the rink, and Dean was there."

The panic in her voice wasn't helping me much. I felt myself panicking more and more for every second. I mean, it was Dean. At the hospital. Because of a fire. And I had no idea of how bad it was. What if it was bad? What if he wasn't going to make it?

I shut my eyes as Mary accelerated, and I tried to keep the tears back. I couldn't think like that. Dean had promised. He promised that he wouldn't go anywhere. He did that, just the other day.

He couldn't just leave his mom. He knew that. He couldn't leave me. I lost everyone I loved. I lost Mom, and Julia, and Dad. And now when I loved Dean, when I wasn't scared of loving him, he was at the hospital.

And yes, I had been scared of loving him. He had been my friend since I was seven. We had lived in the same house for a year. I knew him inside and out, and when he told me he loved me, when he kissed me, he freaked me out. I wasn't ready to let myself love him, because I was scared of ruining our friendship.

But then I let myself feel everything, and I had never imagined it to be so easy to fall in love. And I was insanely in love with him, already.

And this weekend had been great, despite my breakdown. I had never liked showing myself weak, but somehow it felt okay around Dean. He loved me for who I am. He had been with me when my family died. He's the one who's closest to me.

And after this weekend, I had given him so much more than my heart. I had given him myself. I had given him everything. I knew I had been ready for a while. Psychically I had been ready for a long time. It was just… my mind that needed to be ready. And if it hadn't been Dean, it would have taken longer. I trusted him, and I could be myself around him. And somehow, I knew he felt the same.

I hadn't been worried about the pain. I knew I was going to feel it. And it hurt less than I thought it would. What I was worried about was… I had never, ever been comfortable naked. And after the accident, I was even less comfortable. I had ugly scars, and a part of me was worried about what Dean would think about it. I was worried what he would think about _me. _I had no one to compare him to, but he had Olivia to compare with.

But the way Dean touched me, the way his fingers ran over my skin, leaving a burning and tingling feeling… The way he kissed me, the things he said, it all made me comfortable around him. And being naked with him was more comfortable than I ever thought it would be.

I didn't even realize I had my phone with me until I felt it vibrate in my pocket, and I picked it up.

"Jenna?" I asked, hearing how panicked my voice was.

"Liam's at the hospital." I heard the tears in her voice, and mine felt closer.

"He was at the rink," I stated. I hadn't even thought about Liam, even though I knew Dean was with him. "Is he okay?"

Asking if Liam was okay might give me a hunch on how Dean was.

"I don't know," she cried and I bit my lip not to do the same.

"We're almost there," I told her and then we both hang up. I hadn't even realized that Mary was talking to the man. Well, screaming almost.

"If you hadn't showed up out of nowhere, this wouldn't be happening!"

"Maybe he would have gone to the rink anyway," the man argued and I heard Mary almost snort.

"He goes there to think! If you hadn't showed up, he wouldn't have anything to think about! So don't pretend to know him, because you don't. You had the chance, but you're too late, John."

"I'm his father."

"You had the chance, John. You did. But you're fifteen years too late."

"You should have told me in the first place!"

"Don't pretend. You know why I didn't."

"You wanted a normal life. You could have had a normal life, with me!"

"I couldn't, John. I thought I was happy with you. But things changed when I found out I was pregnant. You told me to do an _abortion_, and I was willing to do that. Because I loved you. And then, when you found out about my past, I realized that it was my chance of getting out. Of leaving you. My chance of having my baby."

There was a moment of silence, which I needed to take everything in. The man in the backseat was Dean's father? He told Mary to do an abortion? God, I already disliked him. Hated, actually.

"You still should have told me I was having a baby."

"Why would I when you didn't want him?" Mary asked and the man was quiet for a long time.

"I want him now," he said and I snorted. Both of them ignored me.

"I _always_ wanted him. Keith_ always _wanted him. And Dean looks at Keith like a father. He doesn't need you to screw things up."

"Does this Keith know about your past?"

"Yeah, he does. His family knew mine. We share the same past," Mary sounded so confident about this that I really didn't care what her past was like. Or Keith's.

"Do you love him?"

"I do," Mary answered. "And he loves me."

She pulled up in front of the hospital, and both Mary and I was out of the car the same second it stopped. John followed us.

"I don't want you in there," Mary said but John continued to follow us.

"I'm coming with you."

Mary stopped, and so did I. I watched her as she walked up to John, and I heard every one of her words.

"I don't want you there."

I was shocked to see that the man kissed her, and with more strength than I thought Mary was capable of, she shoved him off her and then slapped him. She left a red mark on his cheek, and he looked at her with disbelief.

"I don't ever want to see you again," she said and turned around. I quickly followed her and as we entered the hospital, she said something.

"I'm sorry you had to see that," she said and I shook my head.

"Don't be," I promised and she nodded.

I followed her to the reception, where she asked where Dean was and I froze when I heard the room number. I couldn't go in there. I couldn't. It would be too much.

"I'll be right there, okay?" I asked and Mary nodded as she left for the room. I watched her go away and then I asked what room Liam was in. It was the room next to Dean's.

I took a breath and then followed the corridors to the right ward. I didn't have to look long before I found Jenna. She was sitting on the floor outside of the room, and I slid down next to her.

"Is he okay?"

"He's annoying," she answered and I raised one of my eyebrows. She sighed and explained.

"He's not fine. Not because of the fire, but because of his kidney's. You know he had that congenital failure, and that he might someday need a transplant. Today is someday. You know he did that test a few weeks ago, and the finally got the test results back. If they do a transplant soon, he might recover well enough to play football again. I've said for years that I want to donate, and I know I'm a match. Liam said yes. But now, he won't let me do it. I don't _need_ my kidney. I want to be a designer, I don't need two. But Liam does. And I want him to take mine, but he refuses."

I wrapped my arms around her and leaned my head against her shoulder.

"What does your parents say?"

"I don't know. They're not here yet."

I sighed and we were quiet for a moment. I didn't know what to say. Liam needed a transplant? It was insane. We had always known that this day might come, but seriously, it was like a 30 percent chance. So this day coming was surreal.

"Olivia's boobs are fake," I said, trying to make her feel better. She was quiet for a moment but then I heard her chuckle quietly.

"That shouldn't make me feel better, but it does," she said and we laughed together.

"Speaking of nothing," she continued a second later. "You had sex."

I didn't answer her. But how could she know?

"I'm gonna take your silence as a yes," she continued and I smiled.

"What makes you think I did?"

"The look on your face. I've seen it. I've worn it. Many times. And I don't appreciate it when I see it on my brother."

I laughed and she did the same.

"So, was he good?"

"I don't have anyone to compare with," I reminded her and she nodded. But I knew the answer.

"Right. So, is it big?"

"I'm not going to answer that," I told her and I felt myself blushing.

"That means yes."

"No, it doesn't," I clarified and she looked at me.

"So, it's small?"

"I'm not going to answer that," I repeated and she smiled smugly.

"It's big," she said to herself. "Or maybe average. No, definitely big."

"I'm gonna go now," I said and stood up. "Good luck with Liam."

"I'm gonna need it," she answered and I hesitated for a second before I opened the door to Dean's room. I didn't know what to expect but I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that he was awake. And sitting up. Clearly wanting to get out of the hospital. This was a lot better since the last time I was in here.

But the memories were still there. The emotions. The pictures of Julia, all broken and… lifeless.

"Hey," I said as I walked inside, trying to shove all of the thoughts about Julia far away from my mind. But it was hard. Definitely since it was too easy to remember. And tomorrow was her birthday. And even though she was a pain in my ass, we were close. And I missed her. Some days were harder than others. This was one of those days.

The three heads turned toward me, and Mary's eyes flickered between me and Dean.

"Maybe we should go talk to a doctor," she said and brought Keith with her outside of the room. I know why she did it, but she didn't have to. I know she wanted to be in here with Dean, so she didn't have to leave us alone even though I wanted to be alone with him.

"Hey," I said again, not moving from where I was standing at the door.

"Hey," he answered me, meeting my eyes but not moving. And he didn't say anything else.

I tried to be brave enough to actually walk into the room properly, but I couldn't find the strength.

"Feel like taking a walk?" Dean asked when we had been quiet for several moments.

"Are you allowed to leave the room?"

"I don't care," he answered and climbed out of the bed. He took my hand and squeezed it as we walked out of the room. Jenna was still sitting on the floor, looking almost angry.

"He still won't listen to me," she said before I had the chance to ask.

"I take it he's awake?" Dean asked and Jenna looked at him.

"Things would be better if he was sleeping, actually. Then I didn't have to listen to him."

I could feel the confused vibes from Dean, and I let go of his hand.

"I'll talk to him," I said and walked inside of the room. Both Jenna and Dean stayed outside.

Liam wasn't on the bed, but I heard the water running on the bathroom. So I sat down in the chair next to the bed, and I waited.

Only a second later the bathroom door opened and Liam saw me.

"J…-" he started, but I cut him off.

"You're selfish, you know that?"

"What?"

"Selfish," I said again. "You say one thing for years, and now, when things have changed and you need a transplant, you say another thing. You're selfish."

"How can I be selfish, not letting her donate?" he asked, and I felt the irritation grow. I didn't want it to.

"Because she wants to do this unselfish thing for you, and you not accepting is selfish. I know why you're not letting her donate. It would make you feel guilty, wouldn't it? So instead of being grateful, and letting Jenna show you how much she loves you, you're just gonna throw you're life away?"

"They're gonna find another kidney."

"It can take forever. My sister died because they couldn't find her one in time, Liam! She _died. _That might happen to you. And trust me, you don't want Jenna feeling the way I feel every frigging day. Especially knowing she could have saved you. Knowing that if you would have just said 'yes', three small letters, you would have been with her. Do you know how guilty she would feel? She would hate herself! I hate myself because of that day. I wasn't a match for Julia, and I hate myself. Don't let Jenna feel the same. Take her kidney. You would live a healthy life. Maybe even be able to play football. Don't throw it away."

"I'm not gonna die," he argued.

"If you don't take her kidney, you might. So don't say that," I told him and got up from the chair and left the room.

I swallowed back the tears, taking a deep breath. I had opened up a lot more in there than I had planned on doing. No one knew I hated myself because of that day. I hated myself because I could have stopped it. If I hadn't told mom to pick me up from school… If I hadn't argued with Julia… If I had been a match… God, there were too many 'ifs'. And I hated that.


	9. Screams and reassurances

**Okay, another chapter from J.J's POV. Next chapter will be back on Dean's. Let me know what you think, okay? :)**

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><p>I felt the water stream down my body, and I didn't fight it anymore. I slid down on the floor and my tears mixed with the warm water. Leaning against the wall, I cried. For today. For <em>that <em>day. For Julia, Mom, and Dad. Dean, Liam, Jenna. Today had been too much to handle.

We had left the hospital about an hour ago, and the doctors wouldn't let Dean go until later tonight. I hated that they wanted to keep him, but at least he would be home tonight. Thankfully.

I don't know how long I sat in the shower, but when my tears stopped running I got up and turned the water off. I wrapped a towel around myself and stepped out of the bathroom. I easily found some lingerie in my closet and put them on. I threw on a tank top and a pair of jogging pants before I tried to dry my hair with the towel. When my hair was dry enough, I put the towel back in the bathroom and then walked down the stairs.

I found Mary in the kitchen, where she was making dinner.

"Hey," I said as I grabbed a knife and helped her with the salad.

"Thank you," she said as she placed a piece of chicken in the frying pan.

"I'd like to talk to you about something," I said again. I still hadn't told her what had been on my mind before. I knew Dean was going to talk to her about it, but it somehow felt like I should be doing it.

"I wanna go home for a few weeks, over christmas. I miss my brother," I said. "And Dean said he wanted to come with me."

"No," she said and I looked at her. She was watching me as well.

"What do you mean, no?"

"No, you can't go. Not alone, and neither Keith or I have the time to come with you."

"Why can't we go alone? We're eighteen in three months!"

"You're still just seventeen, Jennie. Why can't your brother come here instead?"

"That's not the point," I argued, wishing that I wasn't raising my voice right now. "Sure he can come here, but I want to go to him. I don't only miss him. I miss everything. I miss the country, I miss the language, I miss the smell of fresh baked cookies that my aunt always makes. I miss the cold, I miss the rest of my relatives, and I miss everything. So you can't just say that we can't go."

"I know you miss it. But I won't let you go alone. You're only seventeen. Like you said, you're eighteen in three months and then I don't have much to say anymore."

"You don't have much saying in my decisions now either," I said harshly and put the knife down.

"I'm your legal guardian, so yes I do." Her voice wasn't calm, but at the same time it wasn't raised. Determinative, almost angry.

"You're not my mom," I nearly screamed and left the kitchen. I stomped up the stairs and threw my bedroom door closed with a loud boom. I wanted her to hear it.

I couldn't understand myself right now. I had never raised my voice at her before. It wasn't me to raise my voice at anyone. It was just… today was hard.

I sat down on my bed and reached for the box underneath it. I placed it on the bed in front of me, and watched it. But I didn't have the time to do more before I heard a knock on the door, and suddenly Keith was peeking inside.

"I heard screaming. Are you okay?" he asked and I shook my head. He walked inside and closed the door behind him.

"Feel like talking about it?"

"There's nothing you can do. I'm just having a bad day."

"Because of what happened to Dean?" he asked and I shook my head again.

"I mean, that too, but mostly everything else," I whispered.

He was quiet for a moment and then his eyes went to the box of letters.

"What's that?" he asked and I answered him.

"Three hundred and forty-five letters. And then seventeen more, which I found this weekend."

"From your Dad?"

"Yeah," I nodded and sighed. "I told Mary that I wanna go home. For a few weeks. But she won't let me. I didn't mean to scream, I just… Like I said, things are just a lot right now."

"It's probably because of that happened today," Keith answered me. I knew that was the case. "I have to get back to work, but I'll talk to her. Okay?"

"Thank you," I told him and then he left.

My eyes returned to the letters, and I found the seventeen letters that I found yesterday. God, was it only yesterday? Today had been so insanely long. Today had felt like a week or even more.

I took a deep breath and then found the first letter. I opened the envelope, and slowly took the letter out. It was only one piece of paper, and the letter wasn't long. It was easy to recognize his handwriting. It was beautiful, for being written by a man. It was easy to read, and his words weren't just scrambled onto the paper. They were thought out.

I unfolded the piece of paper, and noticed that it was dated. January 18th, 93. About two weeks after I was born.

"_I can't believe I have to leave tomorrow. I can't believe I started the letter by writing that. But it's the truth. I have to go tomorrow, and I wish that I didn't. I've only known you for eleven days, and I already have to leave. I have to admit that when your mother told me that she was pregnant, I was scared. I was not scared about being a father. I was not scared about the responsibility it would leave me. I was scared because I was away, and I knew I wouldn't be able to spend every woken second with you, and your mother. I know I should probably not be a marine with you in my life, but I can't find it in me to stop. It's my job, my life. But so are you. Enough about that. I'm your Dad, so I'm supposed to teach you everything I know. But my job is risky, so I guess I'll teach you some parts now. In this letter. I'd start with the not-so-hard-parts. You were born on January 7th at 11:20 pm. You weighed 7,5lbs, and measured almost 22". It took your mom almost two days of contractions before you were finally ready to come out, and when you did, you tried to tell us that you're bigger than life. Which is true. We picked out your name fairly easily. Jennie, originally spelled Jenny, was picked because your mother had a best friend named Jenny when she was young. We choose to spell it Jennie because we both know that some day, probably soon, we will move to the U.S. Especially now with you in our lives. It would make things easier. Then I won't have to chose between going to Sweden to see you and your mom, or to go home to Vermont to see my brother and my parents. Moving to Vermont would make things easier, but it would be hard for your mom because of your brother. I was supposed to have a little sister, but she died at birth. Her name would have been Jaquelin, so that's how you got your middle name._

_There is a lot more you don't know, and right now as I'm writing this I'm not ashamed to tell you that I cried when you were born. I might change my mind in a few years, though, and wish that I didn't write that. But it's the truth, so I won't take those words away. You also don't know that you weren't our first positive pregnancy test. Your mom had a miscarriage about a year ago, but that's behind us. She already has a beautiful son, and now we have you. I'm not so used as your mom is in that sense. She's done this before so I'm alone when I jump at every new noise you make. Your mom always reassures me that it's alright though, and I'm grateful for her. I love your mom a lot, and I already love you so much. You have completely wrapped us all around your little finger. I can't wait to tell you all about the world. I can't wait to show the pictures of you to all of my friends back at the base. I can't wait to play for you. I can't wait to do a lot of things, but I will try, because I don't want this to go any faster than it already will. I love you, Jennie Jaquelin Walker. And I always will."_

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry about before," I said as Mary walked into my room, but she shook her head.<p>

"I should apologize," she said. "I don't ever want you to think that I want to take your mother's place. I know I can't, and I honestly don't want to. But I didn't hesitate when Dean asked me to bring you in under my roof, because I know how it feels to loose a family. I know how confused, and angry, and sad I was when I lost my parents. And you had to go through that twice. I know that the feelings after losing your mother and sister is there to haunt you still, and the feelings after your dad's death must be even more on the surface. I know it's hard, and I don't blame you for raising your voice. I would have done the same."

I didn't know what to say, and she sat down on the bed next to me before she continued to speak.

"I can't promise you that I will let you go to Sweden, but I will think about it. I know you are mature, and I know that in a way you have been forced into prematureness because of your parents death. You have always been mature, but losing a parent at young age… It makes you grow up faster in some ways. But you are only seventeen, and I'm not comfortable with letting both you and Dean go."

"You and Keith might need some time alone," I tried and she chuckled.

"That, we need. But you shouldn't have to leave for another country just because I need more time with my husband."

"Thank you for… everything. For thinking about this. For letting me into the house."

"Honestly, I think I was too much in chock to actually think about offering you a room. It probably would have crossed my mind, but it was really because of Dean. As soon as he heard, he was all over me."

"Did he really?" I didn't doubt it, but still…

"You didn't know?"

"No," I shook my head. "He's never told me. And besides, we had that big fight at the time…"

"He loves you," Mary answered simply and I felt myself smiling.

"I love him too. Speaking of that… I.. We… I might need contraceptive."

Mary watched me without saying a word, and I felt the blood raising to my cheeks. This was awkward. It would have been easier to talk to mom about it. I mean, I could talk to Mary… But her son's girlfriend asking about birth control; it was humiliating.

"We'll fix it tomorrow after school, okay?" she asked after a while and I nodded. Then she stood up and told me that dinner was done.

"I'm not hungry," I said and she told me I could eat later.

"And Mary?" I said right before she left. "I don't know if Dean have told you, but he's excited about your pregnancy."

She smiled again before she left and closed the door behind her. As she left, I folded the letter again and put it back in the third envelope. I had already read three letters, and it was enough for tonight. Or at least for right now.

* * *

><p>I was bored, and I didn't know what I was supposed to do. It was almost two hours left until Dean would get back home. Usually when I was bored, I would clean. Or do homework. We didn't have any homework, and my room was cleaned. But Dean's wasn't… Could I do that? Clean his room? I knew he probably wouldn't care, I mean, he practically forced me to help him clean his room whenever he did so.<p>

I walked through the bathroom and entered his room. There wasn't much to do. I quickly made the bed before I walked over to his desk. Mary had put a pile of newly washed clothes on it, and I decided I could put them in his closet. After that, I cleared up his desk. I opened a drawer to put some papers in it, and noticed that it needed some cleaning. So I emptied it and put the things down in order. As I opened the drawer underneath the one I had recently cleaned, I was surprised at what I saw. Well, okay, not really. I figured every teenage boy would have at least one of these magazines. And Dean had three. They were all dated before he told me about his feelings for me, and I didn't care that he had them when he was with Olivia. Or single. Or even when we weren't having sex. But now we were, and him having them…

"These are going," I said and threw them in the wastebasket before I closed the drawer and walked back into my room again. There was about twenty minutes left until Dean would come home, and I took my guitar from where it was hanging on the wall. I sat down in the window and sighed.

How the hell was I supposed to play in front of the entire school in just a week? I had troubles playing in front of Dean when he found out I could play. And it took me a while before he found out I could sing. He only found out I was writing two years ago.

And if I did manage to play, what would I play? Did I have the courage to play one of my own songs? Or should I play safe and take another song? It couldn't be too famous, because then people would compare me with the person who usually sings it. And it can't be not famous, because then people would have no idea of what they were listening to.

I groaned as I thought about all of this. I mean, I knew I could sing, it wasn't that. It was just… I don't know what freaked me out exactly. And I honestly didn't know how I would figure that out.

Instead of thinking about all of that, I started playing the song that had been on my mind the entire day. I started at the refrain, because honestly, I had forgot the rest of the text.

"_I wanna love you but I'm growing old_," I didn't get any longer before I heard Dean's voice.

"If you think seventeen is old, then you should know that you turn eighteen almost three weeks before I do."

I put the guitar down and watched him where he stood in the opening to the bathroom.

"Did you clean my room, by the way?"

"I didn't have anything to do," I explained and he chuckled as he walked up to me and sat down in my couch. I scooped down so that I was next to him, letting the guitar lay in my window.

"How was your boring day?" he asked.

"Long," I told him. "I read three of Dad's letters. Before that, I screamed at your mom, and right before you got back I tried to figure out how to sing in front of the school."

"Back up; you screamed at mom?"

"It's nothing, really. Like I said, today has been long. The conversation started with me talking about going home, and it ended with me screaming that she's not my mom."

Dean held my gaze for a long time before he said anything.

"Are you alright?"

"Not really. Are you?" I changed the subject.

"I'm fine," he said and I felt myself smiling.

"Stiil wanna be a firefighter?"

"I think I'm more convinced now, seeing it upfront," he chuckled and I sighed.

"What happened in there?"

"I don't really know. We were on our way out, and then the fire was blocking the exit."

"I would have panicked," I said and he bit his lip.

"I never got that far, y'know. I thought I would, but it never happened. I was almost extremely calm."

"There is something you're not telling me," I told him and I felt his arm come around me.

"In the middle of trying to calm Liam down, I started thinking. About everything. About you. About how worried I was when I heard about the accident. How would you feel when you heard about the fire? How would you react? How would Mom react? Would you be…"

"Don't finish that sentence," I cut him off and he didn't finish. "I wanna tell you something. After the accident, when I woke up and the doctors told me that Mom was dead, and Julia was close to it… When most of the shock was gone, I thought about you. I know we had that big fight - over Olivia of all people – and I told you I didn't want to see you again. But still, you were the first person I thought about. And I thought today. I thought _a lot _today."

"About what?"

"You, mostly. How easily I fell for you. It got me thinking that maybe I felt all of those feelings before, but that I didn't know about it. That I didn't let myself fall for you properly. Because as soon as I did let myself fall, as soon as I opened myself up, it was so easy it's insane. I've been with you for a month, and I love you Dean. So much. And I'm scared. Because it's like I have a curse over me or something. Everyone I love – Mom, Dad, Julia – they're gone. And then your Mom told me about the fire, and I thought you were gone. And I was scared."

He grabbed my face and his eyes were penetrating mine.

"I love you. And I'm not going to leave you," he said and his voice was so convincing it was hard not to believe him.

"I love you too," I whispered and then I felt his lips against mine. They were hard, but still soft and slow. The kiss lasted for a moment before he moved us to the bed and laid us down and his lips came down on mine again. He darted his tongue into my mouth, but I could feel that he was tired, so I knew it wouldn't lead to anything. Suddenly his lips froze on mine and he got up on his elbow, watching me.

"Did we fight over Olivia?" he asked as his brows furrowed.

"You don't remember?" I laughed and he shook his head.

"No, I don't. Why did we fight over her?"

"I might have mentioned that I didn't like her, and it ended with us fighting."

_"I_ didn't like her, so why was I pissed at you?"

"Because you're stubborn," I told him and captured his lips with mine again.

* * *

><p>My neck was aching, and my eyes were sore. Shit, I shouldn't have fallen asleep with my lenses in. I could feel Dean's head against my chest, and I could hear soft snores coming from him.<p>

"Dean? You're snoring," I said, still half asleep. But I got no answer. "Dean?"

I raised my hand to his head, pulling my fingers through his hair.

"Five more minutes," he mumbled and I chuckled as I opened my eyes. And I jolted up, making me almost fall out of bed.

"We don't have five minutes," I said, realizing that we had slept in. We were supposed to be at school in twenty minutes.

"I do. Mom won't let me go," he mumbled again as I hurried into the bathroom. I quickly brushed my teeth and then tried to make my lenses not hurt so much. It didn't work and I cursed as I realized I would have to wear my glasses to school. I took my lenses out and then found my glasses in my bookshelf. I quickly changed my pair of jogging pants to a pair of jeans and put on a pair of socks. As I walked out the door, I was putting my hair up in a bun.

"I'll see you later," Dean murmured from my bed, and I felt myself smiling.

"I threw away your porn," I called over my shoulder and I could easily picture the expression that came with the voice.

"What?"

I laughed and hurried out the door without taking anything to eat. As I reached school I felt a slight pain in my foot. It's been two weeks, and I still felt it. It was irritating, but I knew I would feel it for a while longer.

As the classes went by, I realized how hungry I was. I never ate last night, and I didn't take any breakfast this morning. And when I'm hungry, I'm not really in the best mood.

As Jenna and I walked to lunch, I could feel several eyes on us. Actually on me.

"Why does it feel like everyone is watching me?"

"They probably are," Jenna said and I knew she was hiding something. We sat down at our regular table where we joined the rest.

"Why?"

"Because Olivia might have told the entire school that you and Dean were sleeping together when they were still together," she said hesitantly. She knew me. And she grabbed my wrist as I was about to walk away and find Olivia and kick her five foot ass. I knew she was an idiot, that that big? I had always disliked her, but now there was hate.

"Sit down, and go be your Dad some other time," Jenna said and I sat down.

"What the hell is wrong with her?"

"She's Olivia, that's what."

"Where's Dean and Liam?" Joey asked shortly after that and I looked at him. He didn't know about the fire? I thought the entire town knew.

"You haven't heard?" Emily asked and Joey wasn't alone when he shook his head. I turned the conversation out and listened to Jenna instead.

"So, Liam finally agreed on letting me donate. The surgery is tomorrow."

"That's great," I said, distracted when I saw Olivia walk into the cafeteria.

"Later," Jenna said and grabbed my wrist again as I made a move.

And later it would be. As we changed for gym I heard her talk to her friends, and they were all glancing toward me. So it was easy to know that they were talking about me.

Today we were playing basketball, and as soon as the teacher walked out of the gym Olivia tried to trip me again.

"Really? Again?" I asked as I managed not to fall, and she watched me.

"Sorry," she said, a fake apologetic smile plastered on her face.

"Sorry? About what? Tripping me, or making up a false statement and spreading it all over the school?"

I knew that everyone was watching us, but I didn't care.

"False? We all know it's true."

"True? God, you're such a bitch!"

"Whore!" Olivia screamed back and I felt myself laughing.

"Whore? _I'm _a whore? You lying scumbag, I really should kick your ass right now!"

"Try," Olivia said calmly and I smiled.

"Gladly."

"J.J, calm down," I felt Jenna grab me from behind as I walked closer to Olivia, ready to beat her down.

"Why should I calm down?" I turned to Jenna now. "You know what today is. You know, and I don't want to calm down. I've turned my emotions off for a year, and I can't do that anymore. I can't."

"You don't want to do this."

"Maybe I'll regret it later, but right now it would help a lot."

Jenna let me go and I turned to Olivia again. God, I just wanted to wash that smile away.


	10. a pot of courage

I opened my eyes, trying to ignore the headache. And the weird feeling in my entire body. I groaned as I realized what was happening; I was getting sick.

That is why J.J mumbled something about me snoring, because she did mumble that. If I remember it right. I always snore when I'm sick. Bad habit.

I sat up, remembering what else she said this morning. And then I was out of her bed, hurrying into my room. I opened the drawer, and looked underneath all the paper.

Yep, I heard her right. And yep, she knew about my porn. Not exactly porn. It was just magazines. And why was this embarrassing? I mean, it's not like I had even looked in them for months.

I groaned again as I walked down the stairs, not bothering to change the clothes I had fallen asleep in yesterday. And again this morning.

Mom still wasn't home from work, and Keith had probably just left. I knew there would probably be some leftovers from yesterday so I looked in the fridge and found the chicken and something to drink. It wasn't the best breakfast, but to be fair it wasn't morning. It was over noon, and J.J would be home from school in just two hours. Mom would be home in like, five minutes.

Just as I thought that though, I heard the door open and then close. So, I guess she was home now.

"Mom?" I called out as I put the chicken in the microwave, heating it up. Cold chicken only works at times.

"You look…" she said as she entered the kitchen, and I finished the sentence for her.

"Like I just woke up? Like shit?"

She gave me a disapproving look, and I rolled my eyes.

"Like crap?"

"That's not better, but yes," she said, taking the chicken from the microwave before she reached for something in her bag. "I'd figured you'd be up by now."

I took the sub from her hands, and watched it.

"Subway Melt?" I asked and she nodded. She knew what I wanted.

I took out the sub from the wrapping paper and started eating where I was standing.

"Thanks," I said as I chewed and she looked at me disapprovingly again.

"I raised you better," I heard her mumble under her breath and I laughed. Yeah, maybe she did.

I sat down at the kitchen table, the glass of juice in my hand.

"Are you letting me go to school tomorrow?" I asked, hoping for the best. School might not be fun, but it was definitely better than being home alone.

Mom watched me for a second before she walked up to me and placed her hand on my forehead.

"With that fever? I don't think so."

"I have a fever?" I asked disbelievingly. Yeah, I felt like crap, but a fever? It didn't feel like it.

Before she even said anything, I knew what she was doing as she walked over to the medicine cabinet.

"Really?" I asked as she took out the ear thermometer. "I'm doing it."

I was about to snatch it from her hand when she grabbed my chin, and it was too late.

"Sit still," she said as she took my temperature.

"I feel like a five year-old," I complained as the thermometer beeped, and she showed it to me.

100. So, I had a fever. _Wonderful. _Not much, but still. A fever.

"If I'm not healthy by Friday, I'm going out anyway."

"Friday?"

"Talent show," I explained and she turned around to start with the dishes.

"We'll see about that."

"I'm the one who signed her up for it, so I'm not gonna skip it," I said, drank the final juice and then walked up to my room again.

Just as I entered my room, I heard my phone beeping and I picked it up.

"Hey," I said without checking who it was. It was Liam, and he called because he was bored. He told me that he would let Jenna donate, and that the surgery would be tomorrow and then we talked for a while. Not for long, because he wasn't supposed to call and the nurse caught him.

I laughed as I threw the phone on the bed again, turning on my TV and my XBox. I had nothing better to do, so I might as well play. I hadn't done that in a while.

I found my NHL 11, put the disc in and started the game. I didn't play for long though. I was rusty, and I lost the three first games. So I cursed, and turned the TV off.

There was still an hour left until J.J would be home, so I decided to take a shower. I normally hated showering in the middle of the day. I always did it in the mornings. Or before I went to bed.

I took my time in there. It's not like I had to rush it, and then I found a new pair of jeans and a hoodie. Everyone on the team had one, and it even held the team name it on. It was worn out, but it was comfortable. And then I did the same thing I always did when I was sick. Well, I didn't do it when I was _too_ sick. But I wasn't, so I opened my window and climbed out onto the roof. It wasn't cold, but it wasn't warm. A typical start of November. I sat down on the roof, and leaned against the side of my window.

And that's where I sat, looking out over the neighborhood, as I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket a moment later. I took it out, and furrowed my brows. The text was from Joey.

"_Dude, J.J's badass_." I was about to answer when I got another two, similar to the first one. What the hell? I returned to Joey's, about to answer it again. But then I heard J.J's voice, and I looked up. She was standing on the driveway, looking up at me. Her hair was in a bun, and she was wearing her glasses. I knew she hated them, but they looked good on her. I didn't get to see it that often, though. She wasn't wearing makeup, and I thought I saw a red mark on her cheek. But I wasn't sure.

"I hate you," she said and I laughed.

She knew why I was sitting here.

"It's not my fault that I'm sick."

"And you're weird," she added as she moved closer to the house. We had a lattice on the side of the house wall, and I stood up as J.J climbed it. I hated her doing it, but we had both been doing it too many times to count. And I had been drunk half of the times, so I knew it was safe.

"If you're sick on Friday, I'm forcing you to go anyway," she said, almost up on the roof.

"You don't have to force me," I said as I reached my hand out. She took it and I helped her up, but she didn't fully meet my eyes. I quickly saw why.

The red mark that I thought I had seen was actually turning into a bruise. And it reached almost to her right eye. How could her glasses not be broken? That wasn't all. It was swollen, too. She needed ice.

"What happened?" I asked, grabbing her chin and forcing her to look at me.

"Nothing," she lied.

"I can ask Joey, or Emily, or Mark, or…"

She sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Did you know there is a rumor about us all over the school?"

"That doesn't have anything to…"

"Actually, it does," she cut me off. "I think you can guess who started it. And then she tried to trip me, _again. _She missed though, and I told her the truth; that she's a bitch. She called me a whore, and things sort of went downhill from there."

"Who threw the first punch?"

"She, and I would rather call it a bitch slap. Did you know that she has absolutely no strength at all?"

Yeah, I knew that. But she had to have some, causing that bruise.

"And I had to say a lot of things to make her hit me," she continued.

"Attagirl," I mumbled and she laughed. Throwing the first punch never looked good.

"It was far more fun to kick her ass than it should, though."

"You kicked her ass?" I asked, not doubting her one bit. She's the daughter of a marine; she probably knows how to take care of herself.

She smiled, knowing that I believed that she had.

"Don't worry. I won't leave you for the marines."

"Oh, I'm not worried. But I do find it sexy that you could probably kick my ass."

She snored.

"I _definitely _could. And you're weird."

"Yeah, you said that," I told her as she moved from me and climbed through the window and inside. I followed her lead, and after I closed to window, I found her in the bathroom.

I had almost expected to see her put her lenses in, but the glasses were still on. She was actually putting on make-up, trying to cover the bruise. And it worked. On a distance. Up close, you could see that she was swollen, but other than that, you couldn't see anything.

"I'll see you in a few hours," she said, putting her hand on my hip, pulling me closer.

"Where are you going?"

"Your mom and I have some things to do. And then I have somewhere to be." She reached up and I felt her lips linger on my chin before they gently pressed against my lips. I knew I shouldn't be kissing her because I was sick, but I figured she was already infected after this weekend. And after our make-up session last night. And, yeah, I wanted to feel her lips against mine.

"Look in my bag, there's some stuff in there for you," she said as our lips broke and then she walked out of the bathroom and into her room, taking that way downstairs.

I did as she told me to, and found homework. Great. And it had to be in tomorrow. It was supposed to be a paper for English class, and it had to be about something important that had changed this year.

I sat down at my desk, and for once, it was easy to find something to write about. A lot had changed this year. J.J lived here now. I fell for her, Mom's pregnant. And yeah, the whole thing about my so called Dad showing up yesterday. If I didn't know before, I knew now; I didn't want to see him again.

I mean, he didn't want me. Here I had people who wanted me, and who loved me. So why get to know him when I have everything I want here already?

Besides, he seemed like an asshole.

I was almost done with the paper when I heard Mom calling from downstairs that the dinner was done.

So I finished my sentence and then walked downstairs, seeing that J.J just walked inside the door as I came down. I waited as she kicked her shoes off and removed her jacket, and then we walked into the kitchen together.

"Where were you?" I asked and she met my eyes.

"It's Julia's birthday," she answered, and I got my answer. The covered bridge. Julia's favorite place in this town.

We sat down at the table, and we ate without Mom mentioning the fight at school. Because she knew. I heard the phone before, and it was probably the school.

Right as we were about to leave, Mom stopped us though.

"Jennie, there was something in the mail for you today," she said, handing her something. J.J took it, and then we walked upstairs again.

"What is it?" I asked as she threw the small package on her bed.

"The first season of TVD," she answered casually, sitting down on her bed, opening the letter in her hands.

"The what?" I asked, confused. TVD? What's that?

"The vampire diaries," she explained. Oh, that vampire show, right?

Before I had the chance to ask her about it, she asked me a question.

"What time is it?"

"Eh, around seven," I answered her, seeing her disappointed look. "Why?"

"I kinda need to talk to my brother," she said. "But it's way too late to call… Early, actually."

"So, why do you need to talk to him right now?" I asked, feeling that my throat started to… not hurt, but sore. I ignored it, and listed to her answer instead.

"Because of this," she smiled and handed me a picture.

"Your brother's pregnant?" I asked, and she rolled her eyes as she chuckled.

"No, jackass," she rolled her eyes and I laughed with her. Before I had the time to response, her laughter faded and she let out a sigh.

"Can I ask you a favor?" she asked and walked up to me where I sat in her sofa.

"What do you need?"

"Not much, really," she told me as she sat down next to me. She pulled her legs up, wrapping her arms around them. "It's… Every birthday, Julia and I had this tradition. On my birthday, we always watched our favorite movie. On her birthday, we would watch the pilot episode of our favorite TV-show. It was always just Julia and me, but…"

I understood where she was going with this, and I had a question to ask.

"You want to watch with me?"

"All I know is that I don't want to watch it alone."

"So what are we watching?" I asked and she got up. She walked over to the bed, opened the package and then took out the DVD. I watched her as she walked over to the TV where she squatted down to place the disc in the DVD player.

"You walk like a duck," I stated and she laughed.

"I know I walk like a duck. Don't tease me about it," she answered me as she straightened up and walked back to me. While she put the disc in the DVD I had moved so that I lay down. She sat on the edge of the sofa as she handed the remote. Before she was done, I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her down into my chest. She scooped down, and I rested my chin against the top of her head.

"So, is this any good?" I asked as she pressed play.

"I have a feeling you might like it."

"You forget I don't like Twilight."

She laughed, and I smiled into her hair. She smelled like she had just taken a shower, even though I knew she hadn't today.

"This is nothing like Twilight. Now shut up and watch it."

I did as she told me, and I found it… fairly interesting. Not good, but I wanted to know more. As it was over, I heard J.J take a deep breath while she got up. Something was definitely on her mind.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked and she turned to meet my eyes.

"It's time for the other part of our weird tradition," she said and walked over to her bookshelf. She grabbed another DVD, and went to put it in the DVD player. "And it's time for you to go somewhere else, because this I'm watching alone."

"Will you be alright?" I got up from the couch as I asked her, and she walked up to me.

"Probably not. See you in forty minutes," she answered me and shoved me out of her room.

Well, that left me with forty minutes of doing pretty much nothing. So I entered my room and returned to the paper. I found some new things to write about, and an hour later I was done.

I thought about going into J.J's room, but as I was about to stand up, the bathroom door opened and J.J walked inside. Underneath the glasses, I could see that she had been crying. And not a little bit.

"I never thought I'd cry to One tree hill's pilot," she said. "I mean sure, the episode where Keith dies, or Leyton's wedding, and when Naley breaks up, or when Nathan reaches the NBA, and yeah, you get it, but the pilot? That was a first."

As she talked, she walked over to me and sat down in my lap. I wrapped my arms around her, and I felt her leaning her face against the top of my head. I pressed my lips against her jawline as I saw a few more tears roll down her cheek.

"What did you and Mom do before?" I asked to get her mind on other things. And because I wanted to know.

"Well, starting tomorrow, I'm officially on the pills."

"So Mom knows?" I asked, knowing it would be awkward the next time I talked to Mom.

"No, she had no idea why I wanted them," J.J answered me. "Maybe she thinks I want them for fun."

"You do want them for fun," I grinned and she laughed.

"I could have fun without them," she teased and I groaned internally.

"Why do I have to be sick?" I asked and she smiled. "It doesn't matter, because there is no way Mom is letting us be alone again."

* * *

><p>I didn't feel sick yesterday, but I sure did now. My throat was aching, and my whole body was sore. It felt like I couldn't even move. And my throat was actually doing a lot more than aching. It was burning.<p>

I opened my eyes, and watched the clock. Eleven.

I stayed in bed for a moment before I got up and stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen where I found Mom at the kitchen table. She was… paying bills or something.

"I thought you'd sleep longer," she said, not looking up from the papers on the table. Yeah, well, eleven was long enough. But god, I wanted to sleep until I was back to normal again.

"What are you doing home?" I asked. Or, I wanted to ask, but the sound didn't leave my mouth. Wonderful. I lost my voice. Just great. There is no way I'm going to be healthy on Friday.

I searched through the kitchen until I found a pen and a block. I quickly scribbled a few words on the paper, and threw it in front of Mom. She looked at it, and then looked at me. She didn't look for long before she stood up and I felt her hand on my forehead.

I could see it in her eyes. She would treat me the way she did when I was a kid and I was sick. I hadn't been this sick since I was ten or twelve. Sure, I would get down with the flu sometimes, but it was never like this. But frankly, I had a feeling I wouldn't mind her taking care of me the way she used to. And I had missed her tomato rice soup. She only made it when I was sick, and when I was a kid I used to wish for it.

"I think I have everything for a soup, so you go upstairs and I'll be up in a while, okay? I just have to finish the bills."

Well, being sick can be good sometimes. Especially when being the son of Mary Campbell.

I grabbed the pen and the block before I found my ways upstairs again. I knew that if I would lay down on the bed, I would fall asleep. So I walked into J.J's room and took the DVD we had been watching yesterday. What was the name? Vampires something?

I walked back into my room, put the disc in, and then found my remote. I pressed the right buttons, and then climbed into my bed. I felt myself relaxing as I lay down, but I knew I wouldn't fall asleep if I concentrated on the show.

I had the time to watch episode two and three before I heard a knock on the door, and Mom walked inside. She had a tray in her hands, containing a bowl and two glasses. As she walked closer I saw the thermometer and an aspirin. Yeah, I could use one of those.

I sat up as she handed me the tray, and a moment later she left. I swallowed the aspirin with the glass of water and then took the spoon.

Oh god, I had missed the taste of that soup. I couldn't even remember how good it tasted.

I started the next episode as I ate, drinking the glass of juice as I did so.

Hours later, I heard a door open and I heard J.J searching for something in her room. I was too tired to get up, but I wouldn't have had the time. A moment later it was quiet in her room, and I concentrated on the TV again. I had watched like eight episodes today, and the show was good. J.J was right – I liked it. I wasn't sure I liked Damon, though. He was… strange. Impulsive. I don't know, there was just something about him that I didn't like very much.

About an hour after Mom had called that there was dinner, which I hadn't walked down to because I didn't feel like eating, J.J came into my room.

This time she was the one to hold a tray in her hands, and she placed it on the floor where she sat down. She leaned her back against my bed, watching the TV.

I leaned down to take the aspirin on the tray, but ignored the food. I still wasn't hungry. I'm rarely hungry when I'm sick.

"Have you been watching this all day?" she asked and I reached for the block.

I wrote a single '_No_' on it, and she laughed when she read.

"Then why are you on episode twelve?"

She laughed even more at my scribbled answer. '_Guilty pleasure, okay_?'

"I told you you would like it."

'_Where where you before? I heard you in your room…'_

"It's pretty good weather, so I took a walk," she answered and I knew what she meant.

_'Any good pictures?'_

"A few," she answered me. I was about to write an actual answer, but I changed my mind when I saw what was going on on TV.

_'Is Isobel Elena's mom?' _That would be weird. And a big twist. And would that make Alaric Elena's dad? That would just be… strange. I mean, he couldn't be her dad, right?

_'And does that make Alaric her dad?'_

J.J just laughed, answering me with a simple "You'll see," just like I knew she would. If you want answers when it comes to movies, or TV-shows, she is not the one to ask. She never gives anything away.

_'You're mean.'_

"I know I am. And I hate the you-not-talking thing."

_'So what happened today?'_

"Not much. Olivia wasn't at school. I'm still waiting for Jenna to call me. I really have no idea how the surgery went, and I want to know."

Yeah, right. I had completely forgotten about the surgery today. And now she had me sort of worried. I mean, it was hours ago. It can't take that long to change a kidney, right? I actually had no idea, so I was just guessing. Which didn't make me feel better.

"And I missed you," she interrupted my thoughts. She got up from the floor as she talked, and then she climbed into bed next to me.

I wrote her a note as she leaned her back against my chest, but it came out hard to read. She managed though.

"I don't care if I get sick," she answered simply. "Then I don't have to perform on Friday."

_'I love you,'_ I wrote and I sensed her smile.

"I love you too."

I wanted to smile, but I was way too tired to do so. Instead I drew a smiley-face on the paper and I heard her laugh. I threw the block aside and wrapped my arm around her waist. She took my hand and twisted our fingers together, not really seaming to care about how warm I was.

"I forgot how mean Damon used to be," she murmured, and I wanted to reach for the block but I didn't really have the strength.

The next episode started, and this time I did reach for my block.

"If she wont sleep with him, I will," J.J commented when there was a scene between Damon and Elena.

'_What?_' I wrote, and she sat up, meeting my eyes.

"I'm just saying that if I ever get stuck in an elevator with Ian Somerhalder, I would forget all about you. Oh god, the sex we would have." She said all of this in such a dreaming voice, and I would have laughed if I had the strength. Instead I went along with her teasing.

'_Would you like to never have sex with me again?'_ I wrote and she leaned down again. I felt her press a kiss against my chin before she turned around and leaned her back against my chest.

"You couldn't handle that. And, I can't wait until you're on season two. It's great."

* * *

><p>"I can't believe I'm letting you do this," Mom said as we climbed out of the car. I knew she wasn't happy about me going out, but I didn't care. I had promised J.J to be here. And honestly, I felt better. My fever was gone, and I was almost back to normal. It was just the fact that my voice wasn't back yet.<p>

"It's too late now," Keith answered her as he locked the car and we walked inside.

I was surprised when I saw Liam and Jenna standing against a wall, so I left Mom and Keith and walked to them.

_'What are you doing here?'_

Yeah, I still had the block. It was annoying.

"I'm not gonna miss this. The doctors wouldn't really let us go, so you see her, over there? That's a nurse. She brought us here in a frigging wheelchair. And she's kinda hot. It's hard to impress her though, since I can't really do anything. What's with the pen and paper, by the way?"

_'Sick'_

"Then what are you doing here?" Jenna asked.

_'I'm not gonna miss this'_," I quoted Liam.

"Where's J.J?"

_'She had something to do, but she'll be here.' _An easy lie. She did have something to do, and she would be here. _'How are you two feeling?'_

"Okay," Jenna answered simply but Liam had more to say.

"I'm fine. And dude, you should totally see my scar. I would show it to you if I could actually move my arm, so I'll show it to you later. Speaking of scars, Jenna has one too. And it looks exactly like mine. It's almost creepy. So now we're not only twins – we have the same scar! It's awesome. Oh and the scar will totally impress girls. I'll show them the scar, and they'll go crazy. It's gonna be awesome. No, seriously, you have to see it. Lift my shirt up, right here," he said, pointing.

I looked at Jenna, who laughed and shook her head.

"Painkillers," she explained. Yeah, that would be my guess. Liam had never responded well to painkillers. He got really… unlike himself. And I figured he got a lot of them right now.

"C'mon, man, lift up my shirt."

"Li, it's covered with a big white thing. He can't see it," Jenna said and Liam almost pouted. Jenna and I laughed, even though my laughter could barely be heard.

"Hey, it's starting," Liam said then, a grin on his face. Right then, someone walked up on stage; announcing that it started. So he was right about that.

I felt my phone vibrating, and I fished it up from my pocket. Not surprisingly, it was from J.J. She wanted to know what her first line was.

The only problem was that I didn't know what she would be singing, so I couldn't answer that. I wrote her a response, trying to shut out the person who was on stage right now. It sounded horrible. That person should not be allowed to sing. Or play guitar.

About fifteen minutes later, and three persons, J.J was up. And suddenly I was very nervous. I knew how nervous she was, and had been all day, and so now I was nervous for her as well.

She hadn't even walked out on stage yet.

Liam and Jenna were both talking, and none of them reacted when they said the name Jennie. If I didn't know it was J.J, I wouldn't have reacted either. Everyone is so used to calling her J.J, so you never really think that Jennie is her real name. Besides, she's not the only one named Jennie.

There was chatter around the room, but as J.J came out on stage people stopped talking.

"Dude, what's J.J doing on stage? With a guitar?"

I ignored Liam's question, watching J.J instead. Man, she was more than nervous. But she didn't really show it. That might be because she rarely showed when she was nervous. But I had known her for so long, so I knew. Mostly from the way she walked. And from the deep breath she took as she sat down.

"Seriously, what is she doing up there?"

I still ignored him, taking her in. She was wearing those really right, red jeans that I loved on her, a black and white striped top, and her black converse. I wasn't surprised that she had picked the black ones. Out of all of her converse, those were her favorites. And she had many. She even had a pair from the Kurt Cobain collection. And those were hard to get a hold of. She had tried for ages before she finally found them. So technically, those were her favorites, but she rarely used them. Scared to tear them I guess.

Right now, she looked amazing. More than that.

J.J's gaze found me, and it was easy to read what she thought in that moment. She hated me.

"Hi," she said, clearly trying to calm herself down. "This one's called Halfway."

"She's gonna sing? Can she sing?" Liam asked, and this time I answered him.

_'Shut up'_

Halfway. She was doing one of her own songs. I hadn't heard this one, but I did know that it was one of hers. She had revealed the title a few weeks ago, but she wouldn't let me know anything else.

She took another deep breath, closed her eyes, and then her fingers started moving. She wasn't using her plectrum, but she almost never did when she played her own songs.

The melody was familiar. I had heard her play it so many times when she worked on the lyrics, but I did notice that she had changed it a little bit. She had slowed it down. Just a little bit, but I could swear that it was slower. Softer. More like her.

The intro wasn't long, and when she started singing there was not a trace of nervousness in her voice. It was just as amazing as when she was singing in front of me. And it wasn't hard to figure out what the song was about. The lyrics were easy to recognize. I had been with her almost everyday this year. I had seen her pain, her fear, her sadness, her every emotion. So yeah, for me it was easy to figure out what the song was about. I could read between the lines.

It was about her. It was about this past year. About losing her family. About her struggle. About her whole life.

In the middle of the song, there was a… - wait, she has taught me this, - a… cres… crescendo? There was a crescendo, where the whole song softened, and after that she came back with such power in her voice. I mean, it was… wow. I could swear that I had never heard her this good before. I knew she had power in her voice, but this was ridiculous. Yes, she could give me chills from time to time, but every frigging hair on my body was standing right now. It was insane.

When she finished up, the whole room was quiet. Before it went… everyone was screaming, and applauding, and some people where whistling. I would have been one of them if I could actually make a sound.

I was insanely proud of her right now. And she thought she couldn't do this. If she didn't win, there was something wrong with people. It's not really a big prize though - $100.

I looked at Liam and Jenna, who was basically just standing there. With their chins on the floor. They looked more than shocked. And I could understand them. They had known J.J longer than I had, and they had no idea.

A few minutes later, I saw J.J walking towards us. As soon as she was close enough, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close.

"I hate you," I heard her say and I smiled. I moved my lips to her ear, and tried to get something out of me.

"I love you."

It wasn't loud, and it sounded horrible, but she heard me.

"You shouldn't be talking."

"And I'm proud of you," I continued, ignoring her words. I hadn't been talking for days – I needed to talk. "It's was beautiful."

She leaned out from my embrace and met my eyes.

"Thank you." I heard how sincere it was, and I smiled again, causing her to smile.

"You're shaking," I noticed and she chuckled.

"Yeah, I need to calm down before I'll stop."

"I can fix that," I said, cupping her face and pressing my lips against hers. I hadn't kissed her since Monday, and I missed the feeling of her lips against mine.

She kissed me back, and as I felt her relax I broke the kiss.

"You're back to kissing me again?"

"Now I don't have to worry about getting you sick," I stated and she smiled before pressing another kiss against my lips.

"Okay, you two, get a room. And J.J… You can sing! Why didn't I know about this? Us not knowing that you can sing is like Jenna and I not being twins."

J.J raised her eyebrows, clearly not understanding what Liam was talking about. Neither was I.

"Painkillers," Jenna and I said at the same time and then Jenna continued. "You were great. Amazing."

"Thanks," J.J said and walked up to Jenna to give her a hug. They talked for a while, and then I pulled J.J back into my arms. She rested her back against my chest and I twisted our fingers together as we watched the rest of the show.


	11. lemons and truths

"I'll see you on Monday," I said, trying to get them out of the house.

"Not so fast, Dean, we have something to say first."

"We won't burn down the house, we won't throw a party, and we'll behave. Now bye?"

"That's not what I was going to say, but thank you for clearing that up. And for clearly wanting us out of the house. What I was going to say was that Keith and I have talked…"

"About?"

"We like this house, but with J.J living here, and the baby coming, we're one room short. So… I can't believe I'm actually saying this…" mom said, turning to Keith. "There has to be another way."

"What your Mom is trying to say is that maybe you two could share a room."

J.J and I sharing a room? Well, that had to be Keith's idea, because Mom would never think of it. Especially not now when we're together.

"Yeah, totally," J.J and I said at the same time, grins on our face. Sharing a room with J.J… Yeah, I want that.

"See, they're fine with it."

"Of course they're fine with it," Mom almost snapped at Keith and I pressed my lips together to not laugh. Her hormones were amusing at times.

"So, I'll see you in a few days?" I continued.

"Yeah, you'll see us on Monday," Mom continued and grabbed her bag from the floor. Tomorrow was their wedding day, so they would go away somewhere.

Keith said goodbye, and J.J and I said goodbye to him. Mom was just about to go out the front door when she stopped and turned.

"And Jennie, you might want to call your brother and tell him you're coming home for Christmas."

"Really?" J.J said, a huge smile on her lips.

Mom nodded and J.J hugged her.

"Thank you so much," J.J said and Mom smiled.

"Thanks Mom," I said and she nodded.

"Well, we better go. Bye." And with that she left and closed the door. J.J locked it, and turned to me.

"We're taking my room."

It was a statement, not a question. And I agreed. But, since she stated it, I had to ask.

"Why not my room?"

"My closet it bigger. My bed is more comfortable, and there is no way in hell I'm having sex in your bed. Or even sleeping in it."

"That's very direct," I told her, following her up the stairs. "Why not?"

She turned around, backing up the steps. Her eyes gave me the answers.

"Oh, that. What if I say Olivia and I never had sex in my bed?" Which would be a lie. A big, fat lie.

"What if I say I heard you? Or should I say her? You were… quiet."

Oh, god, that was just embarrassing. And why hadn't she said anything? I would have felt a thousand times better if she had mentioned it right after hearing it. Because then I wouldn't find out now, when we're dating. When I want to kiss her. When I'm planning on having sex with her tonight. Actually, I would feel a lot better if I'd never found out. Ever.

Suddenly I was regretting asking her about why we're taking her room.

"Why were you quiet? If I remember correctly, you were _not_ quiet two weeks ago."

Had it been two weeks already? It must have been. I was sick for one week, and after going out last Friday, I got sick again. Just for a few days though, but when I was healthy her… female parts wouldn't let us. When Olivia was on her period, I really didn't mind. But now I definitely did mind.

"What if I say you're the one who makes me… sound? Make noises? Sound?"

She laughed at my confusion, and answered me.

"Then I'd say you're lying."

"I'm not," I told her, taking the last step up on our floor. J.J was still backing, so I wrapped my arms around her and led her into her room as I pressed my lips against hers. She captured my lips with hers as she kissed me back, smiling into the kiss.

She lowered her hands from my arms and she started to unbuckle her jeans. She unbuckled both buttons, but she didn't pull her jeans down. Then she broke the kiss as she grabbed the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head. After that she pulled her white tank top over her head, leaving her in a white bra and her blue, tight jeans. And god, that bra was sexy. It was forming her breasts into a perfect shape, and it had a small bow that I just wanted to take a nibble at. Very weird, but true.

"I'm up here, Dean," J.J said and I realized I was staring. So I found her lips again and closed my eyes as I darted my tongue into her mouth.

"We've never been on a date," she murmured against my lips as she broke the kiss a moment later.

"I don't do dates."

"Neither do. So, let's be bad at it together?"

"I think I'd like that," I told her honestly. Going on a date with J.J could be fun. It _would _be fun.

"Do you know what I'd like?"

"What would you like?" My lips were barely moving, just barely touching hers. We were standing so close we could be one person. So close I could almost feel her steady heartbeat. She had placed one of her hands on my chest, so she could definitely feel mine.

"To take a shower," she answered, pulling away from me.

"You can't do that," I complained. "Get my hopes up like that."

"I can do what I want," she grinned, backing away from me and toward the bathroom.

"Then I'll join you," I told her, following her through the bathroom door.

"Oh really?"

"Definitely."

"Don't you have practice?"

"The rink is pretty much ruined," I told her as she jumped up on the bathroom counter. But practice was back on next Friday.

I pulled my t-shirt over my head, throwing it somewhere on the floor. Then I turned the water in the shower on, hearing it clatter against the hard tile. I watched J.J where she was sitting on the counter, right between the two sinks.

She looked nervous. Almost uncomfortable.

I knew why.

I positioned myself between her legs, holding her gaze.

"We've done this before. It's okay."

"We haven't taken a shower together, but I know what you mean. And it's not the same."

"Why not?"

The corner of her mouth curved upwards, almost like if I should know the answer. Like it was obvious.

"The last time we saw each other naked, we were kinda busy."

Okay, yeah, that was obvious.

"And, it was darker."

If darkness is what she needed, then I could easily fix that. I walked toward the wall leading to my room, found the light switch and turned down the light so that there was a dim light, and then walked back to her.

"You know you didn't have to do that," she said, hopping down from the counter. She was apologizing, for this?

"I get it, Freckles, I do," I said honestly as I placed my hands on her hips and pulled her a little closer. "You're scared. You're new to all of this. To everything. And the thoughts that were running around your head two weeks ago, the thoughts that's running around your head right now – I've been there. More recently then you'd think actually. The first time with you; I haven't been that nervous in a long time."

"You didn't seem nervous. You seemed… in control. Like you knew exactly what you were doing."

I scoffed. I had no idea what I was doing that night. I was still pretty clueless.

"I'm good at hiding what I really feel," I stated. "And I had absolutely no idea of what I was doing. You're different. You're _you. _I have no idea how to satisfy you. I don't know what you like. Well, I'm starting to learn, but I'm guessing there is a lot more left. We're exploring each other, and it's gonna take time. As friends, I knew you inside and out. Now? Not so much. We have new things to learn about each other. Show each other. Tell each other."

"Then maybe we should get started?" she asked, and I chuckled.

"We started that with our first kiss."

As I said that, I leaned down and captured her lips between mine, feeling her arms wrap around my neck to pull my head down. I moved my hands from her hips to the edge of her jeans, pulling them down as far as I could. After that, she kicked them off, moving her arms from my neck to behind her back. I broke the kiss, looking at her. She was hesitating, so I decided it could be my turn. I unbuckled my jeans and pulled them off.

"Take your time," I said as I pulled my boxers down and then stepped into the shower. I closed the door, seeing her silhouette outside the glass. The heat from the water quickly steamed the glass and it became harder to see her. I concentrated on the warm water instead, feeling how it hit my skin.

It took a minute or two, but eventually I heard the shower door open and then click again as it closed.

I didn't turn around, leaving the choice for her. Giving her space.

I felt her lips press against my back then, and her arms wrapped around my waist. She walked closer, pressing her whole body against me. Feeling her soft, warm, naked skin against me, feeling her breasts press against my back… I swallowed hard, trying to calm my heartbeats.

I ignored my previous thoughts as I turned around to watch her. I didn't really mean to stare, but it was hard not to. The body she was possessing… Those curves, those hips, her everything.

I met her steady gaze before I closed my eyes and lowered my head. I kissed her throat, sucking on a spot gently, creating a hickey. I moved my lips down, finding her collarbone where I darted my tongue out to taste her. I smiled as I heard her moan quietly and my hands moved from her hips to her breasts. I caressed them softly, feeling how her nipples erected underneath my thumbs. I smiled against her skin again before I traced kisses down her skin toward her right breast. Still caressing both of them, my mouth captured her nipple, sucking on it.

While doing this it was hard to ignore how close my growing hard-on was to her entrance. It was hard to ignore all the things I wanted to do to her right now.

I nibbled gently on her nipple, making her moan again. Louder this time. My hard-on hardened, and I swallowed.

I removed my lips from her skin and straightened up. I watched her face, holding her gaze. And reading the amount of lust in her eyes only made me think one thing.

_Fuck it_, I thought as I slammed my mouth against hers. She wasn't ready, and it took her a second before she responded with kissing me back. It didn't take long before my tongue was inside her mouth, my hands cupping her face. Her right hand were gripping my hair while her left hand were tracing over my chest.

It got somewhat harder and harder to ignore my now almost throbbing hard-on against her inner thigh, so I turned us around and pressed her against the wall. I didn't want to push her against the glass wall, not knowing how much pressure it could take.

She broke the kiss to breathe, but I felt her lips against my skin. The side of my throat, the crook of my neck…

"The things I want to do to you right now…" I mumbled as her lips found mine again. She kissed me hard for a second before she broke the kiss again and looked at me.

"Do it."

Both her eyes and voice was steady, so I knew she meant it. But I still had to ask.

"Do what?"

"All the things you want to do to me… Do them."

I placed my hands on the outside of her thighs, and in one swift movement I lifted her up. I felt her locking her legs around my waist, and her arms around my neck.

I held her tightly as I turned the water off and opened the door. I wasn't going to do those things in a shower. The shower might be big, but still; I needed a bed for what I wanted to do.

I hadn't closed the door to her bedroom, so I easily carried her in there. I walked up to the bed where I let go of her and she fell down on the soft mattress. I leaned down over her, pushing her back against the mattress, and found her lips again. The kiss was already hard and deep, but it was growing even deeper. While I kissed her, I balanced myself with one elbow against the mattress as my hand traced over her warm skin. I felt all of her glorious curves underneath my hand as it went down, and then it finally reached her thigh.

I parted her legs gently, and she knew what I was planning on doing. I felt her tense just a little bit, but she was still kissing me passionately and as my hand found its way in between her legs she moaned into my mouth and I felt her relax under me.

I moaned as she moaned, feeling how wet she was already. Feeling new parts of her under my touch.

My fingers quickly found her clit and I started rubbing in slow circles. I could feel her arms tighten around my neck, one of her hands gripping my hair.

My movements sped up, and when I heard her breath hitch I knew she didn't have much left. So I pushed two of my fingers inside of her, hearing a loud moan escape her lips.

Her hips met my fingers as they pumped in and out, her lips leaving mine to catch her breath. I moved my mouth to her throat as my thumb found her clit.

"Ohh, god," I heard her mumble after a few seconds and I knew I really didn't have to do much before she would reach her climax.

"That's not my name," I teased against her skin, my lips moving towards hers again.

I heard her laugh at my comment, but her laugh turned into a loud moan as I felt her inner walls tighten around my fingers. Her fingers dug their way toward my scalp as her other hand pierced my back.

As she fell back down on the mattress, she opened her eyes and I could see that they were unfocused. She was still on a high from the orgasm as she pressed her lips against mine softly.

"That was…" she started, but I interrupted her.

"I'm not done," I whispered against her lips as I pulled my fingers out of her. I captured her lips for a second before my mouth moved south.

I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but I had never done it before. I didn't know how to do it right, or what it would feel like, or _taste _like. I didn't know if she would like it, or if I would. I just knew I wanted to.

And people always said it was good, right? And I didn't doubt it.

But I was still clueless on how to do it right, so I figured I would have to follow my instincts on this one.

My lips went down further than they really had to, kissing a spot on the inside of her right thigh. She didn't only have a scar above her ribs – she also had one on the inside of her thigh. It wasn't long, but it was pretty thick and it looked newer than the one on her ribs. Actually she had a few more scars from the accident worth mentioning. I had never knew that they even existed before until two weeks ago.

I pressed my lips against the scar and then moved up again. I found her clit again, this time with my mouth. I let my tongue touch it gently at first, and then it was like it had its on life. I had no idea what to do, but my tongue seemed to do things just right. I suppressed my moan as I heard J.J moan again, this time louder than the times before. Her moan turned into an almost scream full of pleasure. Yeah, I was definitely doing something right.

It didn't take long before she reached her limit again, and she came down panting and probably exhausted. I quickly licked up her juices, promising myself that I would do this again. Her taste was… amazing, in lack of better words.

I traced my lips against her skin, up towards her face again. But I wasn't sure whether or not to kiss her. Did she really want to taste herself? She surprised me though, by grabbing my face and pressing my lips against hers. She kissed me deeply for a moment before she broke the kiss, but her lips were still touching mine.

"You done?" she whispered, and I didn't have the time to answer her before she continued. "Good."

Suddenly I was the one on my back, and she was straddling me. I straightened up into a sitting position and captured her lips with mine. It only took a second before I felt her around me, and I knew it really wouldn't take much for me to reach my limit. I had been so close from just hearing her moan, from touching her, tasting her, and now I was inside her.

I guess this was somewhat better. She was still tight, and she hadn't adjusted to my size yet, so yes, it was better with her in control. She knew how much she could push, how deep I could go, without hurting her. Because I didn't doubt that it still stung when I pushed inside of her. Or in this case, when she pushed me inside of her.

I met her thrusts, and suddenly she pushed me deeper inside her and I couldn't take it anymore. I released inside of her, and as I did so I felt her slam down hard into me. Her walls tightened around me and she whimpered into my mouth. Then she collapsed, and I knew I was right about her being exhausted. She was more than that.

I placed a soft kiss against her lips before she climbed off me and lay down. I lay down next to her, knowing we should probably change the sheets tomorrow. They were pretty disgusting with all that sweat and cum, and yeah… I wrapped my arm around her torso, and quickly fell asleep next to her.

* * *

><p>She was still asleep when I woke up, her hair all over her pillow. It was slightly curly, the way it normally was. But she straightened it all the time, and it was rarely that I saw her with her wavy hair. If I had to choose, I preferred it wavy.<p>

I climbed out of bed, taking a quick shower and then I got dressed before I walked downstairs. I hadn't watched the clock yet, but I did now. 9.15. That meant we had been sleeping for almost eleven hours.

I opened the fridge and thought before I took out the pie. We had a lot of leftovers since Thursday – we _always_ have a lot of leftovers after Thanksgiving – and I decided that pie would be the best breakfast.

When I was on my third slice – I eat a lot after sex, and three slices isn't even much – I heard footsteps in the stairs. J.J walked around the corner to the kitchen a few seconds later, her arms in the air to place her hair in a messy bun. She was wearing an oversize t-shirt and a pair of short shorts.

"You can't eat pie for breakfast," she commented and I snorted.

"I can eat whatever I want," I stated and she grabbed a fork and sat down opposite to me, taking a piece of the pie.

"I noticed last night," she smirked. "That can't taste good, by the way."

"To be honest, it didn't taste much. I can still call it amazing though."

"You speak like you've never… You haven't, have you?"

"Everything has a first, right?"

"For a first timer, you did hell of a job."

I laughed at her grin and then took another piece of the pie as she did so.

"I have to admit that I honestly thought it would be awkward."

"That what would be awkward?" I wanted to know.

"After being friends for so long, and then having sex. I kinda thought it would be awkward between us."

"I never really thought that far," I told her honestly. I hadn't thought about that, but it sorta made sense.

"To totally change the subject… I never said 'thank you'."

"What is there to say 'thank you' for?"

"The talent show. For signing me up."

"I told you you would thank me some day," I grinned and she chuckled.

"I proved something to myself when I walked out on that stage. I can do more than I thought I could. I can't just give up when things go wrong."

"You've never given up when things go wrong, J.J. And you can do a lot more than anyone thinks."

"I'm not so sure about that," I heard her mumble to herself, and then her phone beeped. She dug her hand into her bra, and then looked at her phone.

"Don't give me that look. I don't have any pockets," she said as she answered her text.

"Who has their phone in their bra?"

She looked up at me and gave me a serious look.

"Pretty much everyone. Jenna is wondering if we wanna stop by later?"

"An hour?" I asked and she wrote something else.

"I have to take a shower and get ready first."

"I'm pretty much done."

"Which is why I said _I_ needed to get ready," she told me and got up from the table after taking the last piece of the pie. I took the plate and placed it in the dishes before I followed her upstairs. As I heard her start the shower, I looked in my closet. I found a pair of socks that I put on and then a thicker shirt that I pulled over my t-shirt.

A few minutes later I heard the shower stop and then I heard the door to J.J's room open. I waited for a few long moments before I knocked on the bathroom door and walked inside.

J.J was standing in front of the mirror with her mascara in her hands. She was wearing a black and white striped top and her black, tight jeans. Her hair was damp from the shower, and she was barefoot.

"Why do girls always have their mouth open when they put on mascara?"

"Trust me, I've asked myself that question a million times. And I will never get a good answer."

She put the mascara back on the counter, and then grabbed her foundation, putting it on.

"You're staring," she said and I chuckled.

"I don't have anything better to do," I told her and grabbed my toothbrush. I could always brush my teeth.

She grabbed the hairdryer as I put the brush in my mouth and started brushing.

Mascara. Foundation. Hairdryer.

That's a lot of stuff to do. And I had a feeling she wasn't done yet.

Ten minutes later she was, but only because I told her to ignore the hair straightener. I wanted her to have her curly hair today.

"It's twenty minutes left until we're supposed to be there," I told her. "Should we go anyway?"

"Why not?"

We walked down the stairs, and put on shoes and jackets. I grabbed her hand after I had locked the door, and we walked carefully down the steps. It had been snowing, and it was below freezing. Thankfully, it wasn't that far to Liam and Jenna's house.

We were about five minutes from their house when we heard barking, and then we saw a black and brown dog running toward us. I laughed as I saw Liam running behind and so did J.J.

I heard her mumble something as the dog stopped in front of her, jumping up and leaning his paws against her shoulder. Then she received a big kiss.

"I missed you too, baby," she said. "Now down."

He instantly jumped down and sniffed on me for a second before he returned to J.J.

"That dog is insanely strong," Liam said as he catched up, and I saw Jenna with their dog come into sight.

"Only when it comes to you," J.J said and took the leash hanging on the ground.

"Sit," she said and Tank obeyed. J.J then removed the leash from his neck and gave it to Liam.

"I wouldn't trust him with that, but then again, he actually listens to you," Liam said and I chuckled.

It was the truth though. Tank was her dog, and she's had him since she was twelve. But after the accident, things changed. Mom's allergic, and Liam and Jenna took him in. They already had a dog before. It's not like Tank didn't obey them, it was just that as soon as J.J was close enough for him to sniff or hear her, she was the only thing that counted.

Jenna and Diezel came up to us and Jenna laughed.

"A dog is strong if not even Liam can handle him."

"And I can. Unless J.J is around," Liam argued with her and I laughed along with the rest. Then we started walking, and Tank followed in J.J's footsteps.

As we reached their house, Diezel ran off into the kitchen but Tank followed us up the stairs and into Liam's room.

I sat down on the floor, leaning against the bed as Liam and Jenna took their seats in the bed. J.J sat down between my legs, but then Tank looked at J.J and then growled quietly at me.

"I don't think he likes me anymore," I whispered in her ear and she chuckled.

"Don't be ridiculous," she said to me and then patted the ground. "Down."

Tank just kept staring at me and snarled again. Louder this time.

"He scares me," I confessed and J.J laughed as she moved from my lap to sit next to me on the floor instead. But it was the truth. A huge Rottweiler is not someone to play with.

Tank glared at me for a second before he strutted over to J.J where he lay down and placed his head in her lap. She raised her hand to the top of his head, and patted him.

We sat like that talking for a few hours before it was time for lunch.

"You want some?" Liam asked and I looked at J.J. It hadn't been that long since we ate breakfast.

"Nah, I'm not hungry," I said and J.J agreed with me. So Liam and Jenna walked downstairs, and we waited.

"What do you think I did?" I asked and J.J understood my question.

"You didn't do anything. Besides falling in love with the only girl in his life. And you should know that he's the only one for me."

"Oh, really? If you'd chose one of us to save, and only one, who would it be?"

"Definitely him," she answered without hesitating and then smiled.

"Nice to know where I got you," I told her and she bit her lip, smiling. I don't think she had any idea of how frigging adorable she was when she did that.

"Don't get me wrong, I would try to save you too. But he's my baby. He's always been there for me, to listen. When I didn't have anyone, I had him. And he's never complained. Not even when I lashed out on him about you and Olivia. And I was beyond pissed."

"Ah, so that's why he doesn't like me anymore."

"Probably, yeah," she answered and nodded, only causing us to laugh.

Tank still had his head in her lap, and now she was stroking him on his back. She looked relaxed. And so did he. It was easy to see how much she liked being in his company. And the other way around.

"Speaking of something else… How are we getting the money to go to Sweden?" I asked.

J.J looked at me, and I knew she was hiding something.

"What are you not telling me?"

"I never told you how much money I inherited from Dad, did I?"

"No," I stated. I had a feeling it was more than I thought it was.

"First, you should know that when Dad died, I got more money from Mom. Her money was locked away, for Dad to inherit. But he's not here, and I'm left with the rest of both hers and his money. And the share that would have gone to Julia."

"Spit it out," I said. She looked almost nervous about this. Like it would make me look at her differently or something.

"I received almost 300 000 dollars from Dad. And almost three… million dollars from Mom."

"Wha-what? Could you rephrase that, like I'm five? Please?"

She had three million dollars? Where the hell did those money come from? Her family wasn't rich. They lived in a normal neighbourhood, in a small town in Vermont. Their house was the same size as mine. They had a dog. Her Dad was a marine. And her Mom had a normal job.

I must have heard her wrong.

"I don't want these money, Dean. I would give them up, to have my family in my life again. Those millions are a constant reminder of what I've lost. And of what I will never get again. They're locked in a bank, and I don't want to see them. I don't want to use them. Even though three millions will make things easier, I don't want them."

"H-h-how? I mean, that's a lot of money, Freckles. How did you get them? How could I not know about this?"

"We've never liked to brag. We wanted a normal life. My Mom… she worked hard for that money. She was born in a normal family. Not rich. Not poor. And she worked her way up, and when she moved to the states, she worked her way even further up. We've been rich since before I was born. We just didn't want to be different. We didn't want people to look at us differently. Like the way you're looking at me now."

"I'm sorry, J.J. I just… This is a lot to take in. You know I don't love you because of your money, right?"

She smiled softly before she answered me.

"How could you, when you didn't even know I had them? And that's exactly why we didn't tell people – we wanted them to see us, and not our money."

"And you know that this doesn't make me love you more, right? I love you more because you told me. Because you're honest with me. You're always honest with me."

"Most people would have taken advantage of me, knowing how much money I have. But I know you, and you won't."

"I'm not most people."

"I know, and I love you for that. I also know you won't tell anyone about this."

"I won't," I promised and then I captured her lips with mine.


	12. parties and long conversations

"I still can't over this whole thing with you singing," Liam said and I laughed.

"Do you even remember it?" J.J asked and I laughed again as I saw Liam's expression.

"No, not really," he admitted. He really doesn't get along with painkillers. "But still. I mean… you can sing."

"Which I've been able to do my whole life. It's not a big deal."

"What is a big deal is that you can name like every song that's ever been written."

"Not _every_ song," she argued with me and I raised my eyebrow. "But many."

"More than many. Give me your laptop," I turned to Liam.

"What are you doing?" J.J asked as Liam handed me the computer and I logged into J.J's spotify.

"It's not fair if you log into hers," Liam argued but I didn't agree with him.

"She has over 2000 songs."

"Are you really going to test me?"

"Yep. And it's only fair if I do it," Liam said and took the laptop from me. I could see J.J rolling her eyes, but Jenna leaned over the computer to see what Liam was doing.

"You have twenty seconds to name the song, okay?"

"Twenty?" J.J asked. "Give me ten."

"Confident, are we?" Liam asked and I laughed with everyone.

"Just press play."

"Okay, let's see…" Liam murmured and then I heard the into of an Mando Diao song. Bad choice. Within a second, J.J answered.

"Mando Diao – Good Morning, Herr Horst. And that was too easy."

A new song started, and J.J pursed her lips for a second.

"The scientist – Olle Hedberg."

"And who is that?" Jenna asked and J.J nearly rolled her eyes. But I was asking the same question.

"He's one of the top three finalists on Swedish Idol."

"Oh," Jenna said and then she took the laptop from her brother. "Let's see…"

"The Gaslight Anthem – We did it when we were young."

Ten minutes later, thirty or so songs had been played, and J.J hadn't had one single wrong. So I decided it was time for a challenge. I asked for the laptop, and then looked through her list.

She had almost everything. From Nirvana to Adam Lambert to Mando Diao to Gavin DeGraw to Bon Jovi to Muse to Coldplay to Johnossi to Foreigner to almost everything. She has the broadest taste in music I have ever heard of.

"Nice try," she said and looked at me. "Crashdiet – Save her. God, I hate their new singer. He's not horrible, but…"

"They had an old singer?" Liam asked, unaware of who they were. I hadn't heard many songs with them, but J.J played them from time to time.

"David Hellman. Or Dave Leopard, as he was called. But he died in 2006. Play It's a miracle."

I quickly found the song, and pressed play. It was quiet in the room for a second before Liam spoke.

"Hm, who knew you were into this kind of music."

"She's into everything," I said and found a song. I decided I could be kind and play one from her favorite band. I knew she could easily take it.

But she was quiet, and listened. When ten seconds had passed, she pursed her lips.

"It sounds like Mando. It's their sound. But… Yep, that's Björn's voice. Do they have…? No." She was talking to herself, and I smiled at the adorableness. Who knew, she didn't know what song it was.

"What's the name of the song?" she asked a second later and I looked.

"Losing my mind."

She grabbed the laptop from me and held it with one hand – she couldn't put it in her lap since Tank still had his head there.

"That means they have a new song…" she said and added the song to her list. Then she replayed it and told everyone to be quiet. Not that any one was speaking.

"It's fairly amazing," she said after the first refrain and I laughed. I don't think there was a single song with Mando Diao that she didn't like.

"What's your favorite song, of all of these songs?"

"One that hasn't been played yet," J.J answered Liam. I knew the answer.

How we walk was her absolute favorite song. Ever.

"How we walk. Gustaf´s version."

I don't know how long we sat there after that. Hours of just talking. Spending time together. Liam and Jenna did only come home from the hospital yesterday, so J.J and I hadn't met them in a while. Sure, we had stopped by at the hospital, but you're not supposed to stay for too long. Now we could stay until we wanted to go home.

And by the time their parents called us down to dinner, Megan – Liam and Jenna's mom – had been out with the dogs for a long walk.

The dining table was already full without me and J.J but we managed to squeeze in on the side. We always managed to squeeze in. We had been eating here more times than I could count. Not that I understand how seven people can fit around a table designed for four. But it worked.

After we ate, Joey, Marcus, Emily, Troy and his girlfriend Christina showed up.

"I'll see you later tonight," Megan looked into Liam's room and Liam and Jenna nodded. Apparently, Megan and Derek would be going on for something. "Make sure Adam doesn't go to sleep too late."

"I'm not baby sitting," Liam stated but Jenna nodded and Megan closed the door again.

As soon as we heard the front door close, Liam was off the bed and out of the room. Since he dragged me along, I followed in his footsteps.

"I haven't been drinking in forever – I need to get drunk," he said as we walked down the stairs.

"I'll tell Mom!" Adam called from somewhere and I laughed.

"Yeah, you do that. She knows I'm drinking! And no, that doesn't mean it's okay with you starting."

We reached the basement in no time, and Liam walked up behind the bar.

"Shit, there's only beer. I can't get drunk on that," he muttered and I laughed again.

"You don't have to get drunk."

"I've been stuck at the hospital for I don't know how long – of course I need to get drunk!"

"Then drink a lot of beer," I stated.

"I'm immune to beer," he answered me but grabbed a box from the fridge and then we headed upstairs again. I quickly noticed that Tank had snuck inside the room again, and he was completely laid out next to J.J on the floor. I sat down on her other side as Liam passed the beers to those who wanted. Apparently, Joey, Marcus and Emily had some with them. I grabbed a beer from Liam and looked at J.J.

"Give it to me," she said and I did. She wasn't too fond of beer, but she was learning. Hell, she wasn't that fond of alcohol at all.

"Just to feel these bad boys, we're playing I've never," Liam said and I laughed.

"You're going to do anything to get drunk, aren't you?"

"Yep, and I start. I've never… had sex," he stated, but since he had, he drank. So did everyone else.

"I can't believe we're playing this," Jenna murmured.

"We need music," J.J stated and put her spotify list on shuffle. As the music started, Jenna figured out something to say.

"We all know where this is going, so I've never went down on a guy."

"And as in 'went down' you mean…" Emily said, gesturing for a blow job.

"Yep. And the other way, too."

"Okay then," Emily said and drank with Christina.

"I've never… had a three-way," I said, and no one drank. It always got like this. Always the same kinds of questions and statements. We're just that kind of group. Which is strange, with two twins in it. But it was rare, I mean, they actually want to know everything about each other.

"I've never had sex in a tent," J.J said and Joey drank.

"I've never not faked an orgasm when I'm with a partner," Emily stated and I laughed at Liam's expression. So, apparently they did a little more than kissing during the week they were seeing each other.

"Sorry," she said and we laughed again as everyone drank. I've never faked one. And it was good to hear that J.J hadn't either.

Ten minutes later, we were still playing, and we had gone around a few laps. It was interesting to find out some things about the others, I have to admit that.

"We're not playing this anymore," Liam said then. "I haven't played truth or dare in a while. Evil version."

Evil version, too? We had our own version. In the evil version, every one had to answer the question if it was truth. And you can't add anything to the dare you've been given. And if you refuse to do something, you have to do something even worse.

"Fine, I'll start," Emily said. "J.J, truth or dare?"

"Truth," she said, glancing at us.

"What do you miss the most, not a person?"

"What I miss the most?" J.J mused. This could be hard. "And not a person. I can't pick Tank, so my old house."

"Why can't you pick Tank? He's not a person," Joey asked.

"And you've clearly never had an animal," J.J answered him, her hand stroking Tank's back.

"Fotball," Liam quickly said.

"You've been without it for like a month," Jenna stated and Liam nodded.

"I still miss it."

The others answered, and when it came to me, I wasn't sure what to say. I never lost anything, so yeah, I told them that.

"Dean, truth or dare?" Liam asked.

"Dare," I looked him straight in the eyes and he narrowed them.

"Kiss… Emily."

He thinks he's so smart. He probably had something evil planned, but I wouldn't step back on this.

"You know you can't add anything to that," I reminded him.

"I don't want to add anything."

"Too bad, because you never told me _where_ to kiss her," I stated and saw him curse. I laughed before I took her hand and kissed it for half a second.

"I want one of those," I heard J.J say and I looked over at her.

"I'm sorry, but I can't give you one," I stated and leaned toward her. "I can do this though."

And with that said, I captured her lips for a few second before I sat back down and looked around me.

"J.J, truth or dare?" Joey asked.

"Is it just the two of us in here, or what?" I asked and Joey promised to pick someone else next time.

"I'll take dare."

"Okay, I won't be mean… Do a handstand for ten seconds. If you can't, I'll give you a mean one."

"If I can't," J.J snorted and got up from the floor. "Ten seconds?"

"Yeah," Joey confirmed. "There's a wall over there."

"I know where the walls are," J.J stated and sighed. As she did, without getting ready, she reached down and suddenly she was on her hands. With her toes pointing straight up toward the ceiling.

"J.J used to do gymnastics," I grinned after about five seconds of J.J walking around in the room on her hands. Joey apparently didn't know that. Or maybe he just forgot it.

"Yeah, I notice. And your seconds are up."

J.J smoothly came down on her feet again and sat down next to me.

"Let me change 'house' to 'gymnastics'," she said, smiling. "Yeah, I definitely missed that."

"My turn," I said. "Liam. Truth or dare?"

"You're not that mean – dare."

"Swap shirt with the person to your right - that's the only thing you can wear. And wear it for the rest of the night."

"I'm not swapping my hoodie to _that_," he said, pointing at Jenna's tank top.

"You have to," I grinned and heard him mutter. Jenna didn't seem to care though.

"You're not taking your shirt of in here."

"I have a sports bra underneath, dumb-ass," Jenna answered her brother as she pulled the tank top over her head. "Now give me your shirt."

Liam muttered something as he pulled his shirt over his head and Jenna quickly took it.

"Do I have to?"

"Just do it," J.J said and Liam took the tank top from Jenna's hand. He then pulled his t-shirt over his head and squeezed into the tank top. Oh god, was it small on him. He's huge compared to anyone. And Jenna is tiny.

"You're adorable," I laughed and I could almost feel the mental kick he gave me.

"Yeah, yeah, shut up. Who's next?"

"I'll take it," Jenna said. "Emily, truth or dare?"

"Just to be mean, truth."

"How and to who did you loose your virginity? Details."

"Will. I was fourteen. I barely felt it. It was tiny. Detailed enough for you?"

"I was sixteen, with my first boyfriend Justin. We did it in this bed."

Liam instantly jumped down from the bed with a shudder, and I heard several laughs.

"We're changing rooms again," he said and Jenna looked at him.

"I had sex in my old bed too."

"God, I need to change rooms with Adam," Liam shuddered again and I laughed.

"Liam, your turn."

"Fifteen. One night stand, Kayla. We were at a party, and I was pretty drunk."

"It wasn't Jake's party, right?" I asked. I mean, if it was Jake's party, that would be strange. And weird.

"Yeah, I think so, why?"

"Same night. Same party. Different girl."

"Seriously?" Liam asked, staring at me.

"Yeah," I said, drinking from my beer.

"That's not okay, man."

"You two share everything, don't you?" Jenna laughed and Liam gave her the finger. Then Jenna looked at me. "You never said too who."

"Olivia. Next."

J.J was last to tell her story. I knew every single detail of it, and I loved that. I chuckled before she talked, and I felt the others eyes on me.

"Sorry," I said, and chuckled again. "Sorry. I'm just thinking about something."

What I was thinking about was that night. I don't know why I chuckled, but I knew that I would always remember that night. And then my thoughts wandered to last night. And I grinned.

"Anyway," J.J said, looking at me. "Not that long ago, to Dean. Fairly painful."

"You never did it with Seth?" Emily asked.

"He was a jerk, so no."

"Okay, Dean, truth or dare." This time, it was Christina. Seriously, were they forgetting that there was more people in here?

"Truth," I rolled my eyes.

"What were you just thinking about? In detail."

"Yesterday," I said, drinking from my bottle. "And it might have been on what J.J and I were doing. You're not getting anymore details."

"Meaning you had sex?"

"Maybe," I stated and the others laughed.

* * *

><p>"Mom and Dad will be back around two, and you know they will kill you if you're not back by then," Jenna told Liam and I looked at J.J.<p>

"I don't have my keys, give me yours," she said, and I raised my eyebrow.

"Then I won't have any."

"Yeah, but I'll be home before you are. I'm getting tired, so I won't stay for too long."

"But there's no way in hell you're walking home alone, so I won't stay for too long. I'll call you when we leave, and I'll pick you up."

"If you can walk," she teased and I chuckled.

"I won't get drunk," I promised. I didn't feel like getting drunk. Besides, I didn't have any alcohol.

"I'll see you later," she said and I felt her lips against mine for a second. Then Liam, Joey, Emily, Christina, Marcus, Troy and I left. Apparently Marcus' older brother was home from college, and he had a party, so we were heading that way.

Liam and I followed the others, walking a few steps behind them.

"Sorry about you getting stuck at the hospital for so long."

"I'm not blaming you," he answered me. He hated that hospital. And he was kind of there because of me. "They would have called me in anyway, for a test, but because of the fire things happened faster. So if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have any idea of my kidney's failing. You kinda saved my life by taking me to the rink. And if it wasn't for J.J, well, then I wouldn't have let Jenna donate."

"What are you talking about?"

"She haven't told you?"

"No," I shook my head. I knew she talked to him, but I didn't know what they talked about.

"She told me what it felt like not being able to donate to Julia. And I don't want Jenna to hate herself if something happened to me. Because I know what she's like, and she would feel so guilty, and one day it would all burst. And she would do something really, really stupid."

I knew J.J wasn't that fond of herself. She didn't have much confidence, and I know how sad she was because of her family's death. And I understand her. She had never believed in herself, and an accident like that can't help with that. I knew that she was building that confidence, and that she for the first time in her life started to believe in herself. I knew who she was – I've always known exactly who she is – and now she's finding herself again. And it must be confusing, and hard, and devastating to start over again. Without the three persons that's always been in her life. I knew all of this, and a lot more, but I had no idea that she hated herself for not being a match for Julia.

Ten minutes later, we reached Marcus house and Liam found us alcohol somewhere. I turned my down.

"Good, more for me."

We stood there for a moment, talking as Liam drank from his beer.

"You're back from the hospital?" I suddenly heard Brian ask, and I tuned out there conversation. I looked around the room, seeing a lot of people from school. There was also older people, probably from college and my eyes stopped on one person. And he was walking towards me.

"You're Jennie's friend… Dan, right?"

"Dean," I corrected him. "So, Seth, what are you doing in town?"

He's supposed to be at college. Three towns away. But here he was, grinning in front of me.

"My parents told me her Dad died. I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

Well, that sounded okay. Nice. Except the fact that he's a jerk, and Greg died two months ago. He could have given her a call.

"I heard she has a new boyfriend, any idea who it is?"

"Why?" I wanted to know, and I felt slightly irritated. Seriously, I was turning into a jealous boyfriend/ex-hater. This was so not okay. I'm not the jealous type.

"I kinda want her back, and I want to see who I'm competing with, y'know. Do I got a shot?"

"No, I honestly don't think you do," Liam stole the words from me.

"Hm, why? We all know she's not over me yet, in that case she would have got a boyfriend ages ago. Besides, this guy is just a distraction."

Yeah, okay, I think I'm allowed to be the boyfriend who hates the ex right now.

"You don't even know who he is."

"C'mon, he's nothing compared with me," Seth answered and winked. _Winked._

"It's me," I said, my voice flat. "I'm her 'distraction'. So, still think you got a shot?"

"Definitely. Sorry, Dan, but she loves me."

_Dean._ It's not _that _hard.

"Yeah, who told you that?" Liam stepped in before I had the chance to say something.

"That girl over there," he answered, pointing at Olivia. She was watching us, a grin on her face. Oh, seriously? God, why did I ever go out with her? I mean, what's wrong with me?

"Yeah, well, she's lying. And she didn't get a boyfriend before because her Mom and sister died."

"Then why get one after her Dad died?" Seth answered Liam, staring at me. Hm, I had never noticed how tall he was before.

"Are you even listening to yourself, dude? I was there for her, unlike you. "

"_I was _there for her."

"Then where were you at the funeral? Or at the hospital, when she woke up? Or you know what, where the hell where you when she realized she would never talk to her sister again? Never get advice from her mom again? _I _was there. You weren't."

"Yeah, I was. Sure, you were there with a roof and four walls, but I was there with my love. I'm getting her back."

"There's a lot of talking, Seth, but will there be any actions? Did you even love her? Nice way of showing it, in that case."

I was very well aware of the eyes around us. Everyone at the party was looking at us. But I didn't care. I just wanted to shut him up.

"You're just saying this because I was doing her long before you were."

"_Doing_ her?"

"You know what I mean," he grinned and I fought the urge to hit him. Hard.

"I know what you mean, but I wouldn't chose that word. And should it really be coming from _you?_"

"Y'know what? I'm gonna leave now, and look up J.J. And I'm gonna _do_ her again. And again. And again."

"If you don't hit him, I will," Liam stated and I looked at him.

"I can't let you do that."

"See? He won't hit me – no one will."

Without turning to look at Seth, I lurched toward him and felt my fist hit his face. Hard. It actually hurt, like hell. I can't imagine how his face felt like right now.

"You know what? I'm gonna leave, and _I'm _gonna go spend the night with J.J."

And with that I turned around, grabbed Liam and left.

"I don't remember him being that big of a jerk when he were going out with J.J," he said and I shook my head.

"Neither do I. Can we just get out of here?"

"We basically already are," he said as he chuckled. In the short time we had been in there, it couldn't have been more than an hour, it had gone pitch-black outside. Or it would be if it wasn't for the snow and the street lights.

"Just to be fair though, you weren't there when she woke up either."

"That's because the last time I saw her, she told me she didn't want to see me again. So sorry if it took me three days to get there," I almost sneered.

"Relax, I didn't mean anything," he said and I put my hands in my pockets.

"I know. I'm sorry," I apologized.

"I would be pretty pissed of too if I were you."

"I'm gonna call her," I said and found my phone. It took a few signals before she picked up, but she said she would be out in five minutes.

And she was. We said good-bye to Liam and Jenna, and then we started to walk home. I still had my hands in my pockets, so J.J wrapped her arm around mine.

"So, how was the party?"

"I met your ex, and I turned into a jealous ex-hater and hit him," I confessed.

"What?"

"Yeah, and Olivia was there. Apparently she told Seth that you still loved him, and so he thought he could get you back. He even said I was just jealous because I knew he were banging you long before I was. His words, not mine."

"So you hit him?"

"I hit him because he's pigheaded, a jerk and he said he would find you and _do _you all night. And because Liam would have done it if I didn't."

She sighed, and I looked down on her, finding her eyes looking into mine.

"We're pathetic, aren't we? Fighting each others ex's."

"We're pathetic," I agreed. "But they're more pathetic, because we actually won."

She laughed, and then changed our subject of conversation.

"What you said about being a jealous boyfriend," she said. "I've always hated jealousy. It's cute in the right amount, but it can easily turn into too much. And everyone knows that jealousy kills."

"Did I go too far?"

"I know you, Dean. You of all people are not the jealous type. So no, you didn't go too far. It's that cute amount, which shows that you love me."

"Yeah well, I do."

"So do I. Love you, I mean."

"I got that," I laughed and fished my keys up from my pocket. We walked up the stairs to the porch and it took me a moment to find the keyhole in the dark. But I found it, and within a minute we were inside with the door locked behind us.

"Tired?" I asked and she shook her head.

"Not at all. Y'know, I make this killer hot chocolate."

"And I make mad french toasts," I told her and laughed.

"Now I feel like having french toasts."

"And I feel like having hot chocolate," I agreed. "I'll make mine, and you'll make yours?"

"Agreed," she chuckled and walked up to the fridge as I took out the toasts.

"There's only two left," I noticed and turned to J.J.

"So, we'll share."

"Definitely."

And with that, we started. As I was ready to put the toasts on a plate, I noticed how she placed two cups on the table in the corner of my eye.

I quickly poured over the raspberries and blueberries, and then served with two forks.

"This does look delicious," she stated and I nodded.

"I told you. Now why are ours different?"

"Because you know I don't like whipped cream."

"So you got marshmallows instead? I want them too."

"Don't pout, they're there underneath it all."

"I wasn't pouting," I told her and laughed with her.

I took a gulp of the hot chocolate – it was indeed hot, and J.J was right, she was good at this – as J.J took a fork and tried the toast.

"This isn't half-bad," she said and smirked as I narrowed my eyes. I decided to change the subject instead of answering her.

"Freckles, can I ask you something?"

"You don't have to ask if you can ask me something. You know you can."

"Yeah, but it's kinda personal."

"We were pretty personal last night, or was that all a dream?" she asked and I laughed. I got her point, but it was still personal.

"I talked to Liam…"

"He told you what I said in the hospital, didn't he?" she understood.

"Not quite, but I figured he wasn't just talking about Jenna when he mentioned self-hatred."

Her eyes drooped to the plate, her fork playing with the toast. And she said nothing.

"If you don't want to talk to be about it, fine. I get it. But you need to talk to someone, J.J."

"I talked with a shrink for almost ten months, Dean. It didn't help. I hated going there. A shrink is supposed to listen, right? I never got that feeling."

"Find a new one," I offered.

"I can't talk about stuff with someone I don't know. I don't care if that someone is hired to talk and listen or not, it just doesn't work that way. If I'm going to talk, I need someone I can trust. Someone I can rely on. Someone who really listens. And honestly, I can't find that with a shrink. I don't need someone to talk to, discuss with, or get advice from. I don't need someone to tell me what to say, or do. All I need is someone who will listen. And don't push me away no matter what I say."

"That's what friends are for, right? You have Jenna, me, and you have L…"

"If I'm going to talk to someone about all of this, it's you. I know I can trust and rely on Jenna, she's been my best friend since before you and I even met, but I don't _want_ to talk her. I want to talk to _you._"

"I sense a but."

"I'm scared, Dean."

"Of what?"

"Telling you everything. A part of me is terrified that when you see what a wreck I am, you will push me away. The rational part of me knows that that won't happen, because you've seen a part of that wreck. And I know that if anyone can handle it, it's you. And I try to tell myself that."

"But that doesn't take the fear away…"

"No. Now that I'm finally have started over, I'm more scared that ever. I used to know exactly who I was. I don't anymore. I don't know who I am without my family and I-"

"Hey," I stopped her ranting. "You're still you. You're Jennie Walker. You're still a sister. You're still a daughter. You're still a great musician, and a fantastic photographer who will reach far someday. You're still adorable when you're nervous. You're still mature, and childish, and strong-minded, and intelligent, tough, kindhearted, tenacious, stubborn, curious, simple, complicated, sensitive, beautiful. And you're still the girl I love. You have grown so much. You're so fiercely independent, J.J. And you're brave. You're not the same person you were a year ago, but no one is. I know I'm not. And I'm here. No matter if you tell me everything, or nothing, I'm here. I'm not pushing you away for opening your heart. No sane person would push you away."


	13. Old secrets

"We've been talking all night," I noticed as the sun rose outside the kitchen window.

And we had. We talked about everything. Mostly her. And I mostly listened, and now and then I threw in a few words and we discussed it. But it was nice just listening, and getting to know a piece of J.J I hadn't known before.

"I can feel that in my ass," she smirked and I laughed. After sitting for so long, my ass did hurt. For awhile. It was numb now.

"Mine is numb," I stated and heard her chuckle. Her eyes didn't go with the laugh though. "You're still scared, aren't you?"

It did take her almost an hour before she let me in completely, and when she did, she hesitated.

"Kinda," she confessed. "It feels good to let it all out, but at the same time you know everything now. And that scares me. I've never been this open to someone before. I have that little annoying voice in my head that tells me you really didn't want to know all of this."

"If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't have told you I did. And I'm still here, aren't I?"

"You're still here," she sighed and smiled softly. "I'm tired."

"I'm exhausted," I told her. "But if I go to sleep now, I won't be able to sleep tonight. And we have school tomorrow."

"Same here. So what should we do?"

"Watch a movie?"

"Then I'll fall asleep. Maybe we could move you into my room?"

"That sounds like a really good idea," I agreed and moved from the chair I had been sitting on for the last ten hours.

She followed me upstairs, and we walked into my room.

"You can't fit everything in there," she stated and I narrowed my eyes.

"Then I'm not doing this. I need my bed."

"It's your bed or your X-box," she played along and I pretended to think about it.

"X-box."

"That's what I thought," she grinned and I laughed. "You don't have any books. You have ridiculously many movies, and that desk won't fit in my room."

"You have way too many books, and my movies will easily fit next to yours," I stated. We continued to talk about how we would do this, and twenty minutes later we were placing some of my things in her bookshelf. It took up almost a whole wall in the room, and it wasn't just books. It was movies, series, books, music, her camera, some pictures, and some other stuff. But my things still easily fit in there after she moved some stuff.

"We have doubles of like ten different movies," she said and I grinned.

"That's because you're not into that silly romantic genre," I agreed and heard her chuckle.

"I have like five romantic movies."

"Yeah, but you have like fifteen horror flicks, a few dramas and some thrillers along with eight comedies."

"I like everything," she stated and laughed.

One hour later, we were pretty much done and there was only three things left in my room. My bed, my desk and my TV.

"We have to make room in my closet for your things," J.J said. "And my room seems smaller. I need to move some things."

I watched her as she moved her guitar to a place on her wall, hanging next to the bookshelf.

"Can you help me with this?" she asked and pointed at the couch.

"Where do you want it?"

"Where do _we _want it?" she corrected me. "I was thinking maybe over at that wall?"

She nodded toward one of the four corners of her room, and we moved the couch there. It left a lot of space in the room, and especially in front of the window where it used to stand. We moved the desk to right beside the window, leaving the bed where it was.

This did leave a lot more space in her room than before. It felt more open.

"Make some room in your closet, and I'll go get my clothes," I said and walked into my room. I pulled my entire closet out and carried it into her room, leaving it on the floor.

She wasn't done in her closet, so I found some new sheets for the bed and changed them.

"So, now when we're getting to know each other in a new way…" I started.

"Yeah?" I heard her answer me from her closet.

"What's your bra size?"

I heard footsteps and suddenly she was looking at me.

"Why?" she narrowed her eyes.

"It might be good for me to know."

"Why?" she asked again.

"I might want to get you something for Christmas," I stated.

"First of all, no you're not. It's too expensive, and you don't give me stuff for Christmas, remember? And second, you would only find something you'd think be sexy, but it would be really uncomfortable."

"Why can't I get you anything for Christmas?"

"Because that's our deal."

"Yeah, but we made that deal as friends. You're my girlfriend now."

"That doesn't change anything," she stated as a matter of fact and walked back into her closet as I laughed.

Stupid deal we made years ago. She get's to give me something for Christmas, and my birthday, but I get to give her something for New Years. Just because it's exactly in the middle of Christmas and her birthday. So I get to give her one gift, and she gets to give me two. Okay, so I had to spend more money at the same time, but who cared? I would give her something for Christmas, whether she liked it or not. And then I would do like every year and get her something for New Year.

"How is it going in there?"

"You don't have that much clothes, so I think it will fit."

And so I grabbed a few of my things and walked to her, seeing how frigging full her closet was.

"How much clothes do you have? And shoes?" She had like three times the amount of clothes I had, and she had almost fifteen pair of shoes on the floor. How is that even possible?

"That's your side," she changed the subject, pointing to the right.

"That is like only a few inches."

"It will fit. Give me that." She took what I had in my hands, and placed it on the racks as I got more. It took five minutes, but everything did fit.

"Why are you looking like that?" she asked as I looked around the small room.

"I'm standing in your closet – the place where all your underwear is."

She shoved me and walked into her bedroom again, and I laughed.

"Just so you know, they're not in there."

"Then where are they?"

"Guess three times," she offered and I narrowed my eyes, causing her to laugh. They had to be here somewhere.

"Speaking of hiding things…" she said and sat down on her bed. "The space under the bed is mine."

"Is that where you keep your underwear?"

She laughed and reached down under her bed and came up with a shoe box.

"All the letters between you and your Dad?" I understood and she shook her head.

"These are just the ones he wrote." She reached down under the bed again and came up with two more boxes. I sat down on the bed next to her, indian style, and she turned toward me. She placed her hand on one of the boxes. "These are the ones I wrote. And those are the ones Dad wrote for Julia."

"Have you finished the letters you found at the cabin?"

"I have one left," she said and I nodded. I knew it might take a while for her to read that one. It was the very last letter he had written to her, after all.

"I wanna show you something," she said and lifted on one of the lids. She searched through the thick pile of letters, and found the one she was looking for. "It's one of my first letters to him."

"It's addressed to a house in Vermont," I stated.

"It was back in 2000, and he was home. It was when his father had his heart attack."

Greg had been home for almost two years, but then September 11 happened and he decided to go back. And after that, he had kind of been stuck.

"So what did you write?"

She chuckled and opened the envelope and took out a piece of paper.

"Remember how I told you about the letter I wrote to him about you? This is it."

"Do I really wanna read that?" I chuckled and she smiled.

"No. So I'm reading it for you. Let me just find it…" she answered me and looked down on the piece of paper. I could see her smile from time to time, and I wondered what she had written, or maybe if she had completely misspelled a word. I mean, we were seven. I used to misspell things all the time.

"Here it is… _'Today in school, there was a new boy. He looked alone, and I sat by him. His name is Dean. I think-'_ Okay, I'm not going to read that," she laughed and looked sort of embarrassed.

"Now I wanna know what you wrote," I complained and she laughed.

"No," she shook her head and tried to hide the letter behind her back when I reached for it. I almost got it, but then she moved from the bed and I saw her folding and then placing the letter in her back pocket. I got up from the bed and walked toward her, seeing her grin.

"I'm reading what you wrote."

"Then catch me," she chuckled simply and took the way through the bathroom, closing the door behind her and locking it. I heard her do the same on the other door, so I looked through her –_our _- room. She had to have something that I could open the door with.

After a minute I found a hairpin, and I placed it in the keyhole. It took a moment, but I heard a click and knew I was through. I opened the door just in time to see her run through the other opening, and I followed. I caught up on her right before the stairs, and I took her wrist. She tried to stop me when I reached for the letter in her pocket, but I'm stronger than her and I managed to get my hand down her pocket and reaching the letter. I grabbed it and tried to unfold it as she jumped up on my back to stop me, laughing the entire time.

"What the hell did you write?" I asked, laughing as she tried to grab the letter from me. When she didn't succeed, because I held it up in the air, she tried to cover my eyes but I managed to read through her fingers.

"Let's see…" I ogled the letter, trying to find the right part, and I laughed because of how bad her handwriting used to be. "Aha, here it is! _'His name is Dean. I think I like him. More than a friend.'_ Aw, how cute. You had a crush on me."

"I also had a crush on Liam. Something was definitely wrong with me."

"Seeing how he had like ten girlfriends at a time, there must have been something really, really wrong with you," I agreed with her, grinning as she jumped down on the floor again.

I felt a soft hit in the back of my head, and I laughed.

"You know, I might use this information some time."

"I know a thing or two about you too," she threatened with a smug smile.

"Like what?" I raised my eyebrow, playing along.

"Like how you cried like a little baby when Amber broke up with you."

"That's not fair! I was seven, and she was my first girlfriend. Your first celebrity crush was Donald Duck!"

"I was four, and it was my favorite movie. And Mr. Duck is a very handsome duck," she said, not quite being able to feign her serious expression. "I have nude pictures of you from when you were a kid."

"No, you don't," I said. I mean, she couldn't, right? There is no pictures of me naked. Not even from when I was like new born. At least I don't think so.

"You don't believe me?" she asked, grabbed the letter from my hand and started to walk back to our room. "Fine."

I followed her and saw her grab a photo album from her bookshelf, sitting down on the floor to look through it. I stood above her, so I saw her look through the album. She stopped on a page and smiled.

"You were quite chubby as a kid," she said and held the album up for me to see. "And I can see that your _sex _hasn't really grown much."

I wiped the smile off my face and grabbed the album from her, throwing it on the floor beside her. She looked straight into my eyes, and I tried to keep them as hard as possible.

"Take that back," I demanded, pressing my lips together.

"Never," she shook her head, trying hard not to smile. So I sat down over her legs, grabbing her wrists with one hand, and held her tight.

"Take it back."

"Or what?" she challenged me, and I smiled smugly. With my free hand I reached her hip and started to tickle her, causing her to try to squirm away. She laughed through her screams, and I locked her down with the help of my legs.

"Take it back," I tried again and hearing her laugh made it hard not to laugh myself. I had always loved the sound of her laughter.

"Stop," she squealed, and I tickled her harder. She tried to kick me, but she failed and I laughed. A moment later, she gave up on trying to get free, but she was still laughing hard. I stopped tickling her, and leaned down so that she was lying down. I held her wrists against the floor, and I leaned close toward her face. Our noses were not even an inch away from each other and I could feel her warm breath on my face. I stared into her eyes, and I heard her swallow.

"Take it back," I said again, this time with a murmured voice. I let my lips almost meet hers, and I let her believe that I was going to kiss her. She was quiet for a moment, meeting my eyes and she swallowed again.

"It might be the double size," she whispered and I narrowed my eyes.

"Double size?"

"Oh, you know… I'm not that experienced on the subject so I'm not sure, but it's probably bigger than average."

"Probably?" I teased.

"Definitely," she corrected herself, swallowing again. Harder than before.

"That's better," I smiled and let my lips touch hers. The moment our lips locked together, it was like I could read her mind.

_Finally._

The kiss was so deep from the start that I could feel the blood streaming down after just a few moments, and when J.J broke the kiss to breathe, I kept the kiss broken.

As she tried to find my lips again, I turned my head a little bit to the left.

"You have no idea of how easy you can drive me crazy," I murmured against her jaw. "You have no idea of what your kissing does to me. Of what _you _do to me."

I had two "serious" girlfriends before Olivia, serious meaning that it lasted longer than a week or two, and they might have done some things to me. I might have done some things in return. I lost my virginity to Olivia, and almost a year later we got together. I was drunk that night, Olivia was drunk that night, and one thing led to another. There might have been blowjobs or handjobs from a girl or two before Olivia and I got serious, and before we were, we would hook up once in a while. Finally it happened so often we decided to be a couple.

I knew I was far more experienced than J.J, but I had never felt this way with someone else. She made me feel special just by looking at me. So when her hand touched mine, or when it ran over my skin, or when she kissed me, or the three times we had taken things further… She made me feel like the only guy in the world. And I hoped that I on some level did the same to her.

"Ditto," she whispered and I laughed before I pressed my lips against hers again. I sucked on her upper lip as she rolled us around, and I was the one on my back. I felt her hand trace over my skin and down toward my hip. It continued, and suddenly I felt her hand in my crotch. I got harder from her touch, even though it was through my jeans, and I felt her smile into the kiss. She must have felt it, no doubt about it. Her hand had never actually been down there, and now it was more than just there. She was practically caressing my cock through my jeans, and she definitely knew what it did to me.

It was hard to concentrate on her lips against mine as I felt her hand rubbing, and knowing that I wanted direct contact. Skin to skin. She must have known that I wanted it, feeling that I grew harder and bigger underneath her touch, but I knew that she wouldn't give it to me. First of all, she had never done it before. Second of all, I don't know if she wanted to. Thirdly, she knew what she was doing to me right now. She knew how fucking crazy she was driving me. She was fucking smart. I knew I would have to beg for it, but I wouldn't. Not this time.

My hands moved to her ass, grabbing it and I heard her moan quietly. Her hand sped up and rubbed harder and I almost felt my eyes roll back in my head.

Somehow she managed to grab my length through my jeans, and I groaned.

Oh fuck, that felt good.

"Freckles," I groaned and felt her smile smugly into the kiss. Yep, she knew exactly what she was doing to me.

"I'm guessing this feels good?" she whispered and I swallowed, causing her to laugh quietly.

"You have no frigging idea," I answered her, my breath speeding up. A few seconds later, and a few rubs from J.J, my breath hitched and then my underwear and jeans were soaked.

"Fuck," I groaned as I opened my eyes and found J.J's staring into mine. "I never actually thought that would work through jeans."

"Considering my wet hand, it definitely worked," she answered me, wiping her left hand against my jeans.

I laughed and pressed my lips against hers softly.

"Believe it or not, but you just got a little sexier."

She captured my lower lip between hers, and sucked on it gently for a moment before we both heard the phone ring.

"You get it, I have to go change."

She chuckled but got up from the floor, left the room and then I heard her steps in the stairs.

I managed to get up in a swift movement and then I found my way into the bathroom. I closed the door, kicked off my clothes, threw them in the laundry and then took a quick shower. I dried off with a towel, and I held it around my waist as I walked up to the counters. It had drawers in it. I had my side, and J.J had hers. Without thinking about it I opened one of hers though when I looked for my underwear, and I was about to close it again when I saw what it contained. I fumbled through it until I found the size of one of her bras, and then remembered it. _32B._

I opened my own drawer, found a pair of boxers and put them on before I walked back into our room. J.J was sitting on the bed, speaking a language I couldn't understand. So either way she was talking to her brother, or her mom's parents. But my guess was on her brother.

She looked up when she heard me in the room, and I laughed when I noticed how her eyes lingered on my body before they found my eyes.

I found a white t-shirt and a pair of jeans that I pulled on before I walked downstairs. I was getting hungry.

Twenty minutes later, J.J walked down just in time for the food to be done.

"You have like a food alarm or something?"

"I'm just really good at smelling things," she grinned and I chuckled.

"Was that your brother?"

"Yeah. I told him we're coming over for Christmas, but that I wasn't sure when."

"So, you told him about me?" I knew she hadn't had a real chance to talk to him after we got together, so I guessed that maybe she had told him now.

"Not really. I said you're coming with me, but I never said you're my boyfriend. But you know, at least we have a house to stay in."

"They live in a house?"

I don't know why, because I had never even seen a picture of her brother, but I had never imagined him in a house.

"Actually they live on a farm. They breed horses."

"Horses? That's so not what I pictured."

"Believe me, the small picture you have of him in your head right now will be ruined when you meet him."


	14. Fights and adoption papers

**I have up until chapter 19 written and done, and chapter 20 will be the last one. I'm going to try to post once each week for these last chapters, and I'll try to upload on sundays. Thank you for the reviews, and I hope you'll enjoy the rest of the story.**

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><p>"He knew all along," I heard J.J mumble to herself, tears stuck in her throat.<p>

"What are you talking about?"

"This," she said, holding up the letter. I knew she was reading the last letter from her Dad, and I was busy with homework. Being J.J, she was already done with it. "He knew he wouldn't make it."

Yeah, I kinda knew that.

"Does he actually write that?"

"No, but it's easy to read between the lines. _'I've missed a lot of things. Your first words, your first steps, the first time you laughed… I didn't miss the first time you played the piano, but that's pretty much it. And I'm going to miss so much. I won't see you graduate. I won't see you go off to college. I will never see you walk down the aisle. I will never be a grandfather.'_ I just… Why the hell didn't he tell me this?"

Her sad tone was turning almost angry and she got up from the floor where she was sitting.

"He didn't want you to worry about him," I said slowly. She didn't exactly know that her Dad had talked to me.

"That's my Dad in a nutshell, but how can _you _know that?"

"He kinda told me."

"What? When? _What?_"

"At the hospital, after he woke up. You went to get something to drink, and he told me that he probably wouldn't make it. He had told the doctors not to tell you, because you had worried enough about him. I told him it wasn't fair, but he loved you. He's your Dad, and there was nothing I could do about it."

She stared at me, shocked and surprised and at first she didn't say anything. Then she yelled.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"He told me-"

"I don't fucking care if he told you not to tell me. We tell each other things. I thought it was everything, but apparently it wasn't!"

"J.J, we still do that. That hasn't changed."

"Something must have changed, since you didn't tell me this."

"I didn't tell you because he had a good frigging point, okay?"

"_What _point?"

"I told him you deserved to know, and he told me you deserved to know my feelings for you."

"So you told him about them, too? What, were you having a tea party or something?"

"Just listen to me!"

"Why? You don't tell me stuff, so what is there to listen to? God dammit, Dean! I could have spent a lot more time with him if I just knew what you two knew."

"You were there _all the time_! You even skipped school."

"Do you know how many hours I missed, not being there at night? Not being there when he fell asleep, or when he woke up? Do you know how many more hours that would have given me?"

"I see your point, okay? But you were there for him! He knew that you loves him, and you know that he loved you."

"_Loved. _Exactly. He's not here anymore."

"At least he _was_ here."

"What, you're gonna bring your father into this?"

"That's not what I'm talking about, and I don't exactly have a Dad, do I? At least you do."

"I had one. But you're right. Yours never even wanted you. Yours wanted to abort you. But you know what? You never knew him! I knew my Dad. I love my Dad. I spent time with him! And now I can't anymore. Because he was _taken_ from me."

I don't know how long we continued to scream at each other, but it ended with her leaving and me slamming the door on no one. I also slammed the doors between our rooms, throwing myself on my bed.

Fuck, I hate fighting. And this was our first fight since the accident. We didn't talk for weeks that time, and this was a lot bigger than that fight. This was about more important stuff.

I heard a knock on my door, so I sat up and saw Mom coming through the door. I didn't even know she was home.

"This is… empty. Is your room really this big?"

"I moved into J.J's room yesterday, but maybe I'll move back in here again."

"What happened?" she asked, looking slightly worried.

"Nothing. When did you get back?"

"Almost an hour ago. You don't look like nothing happened."

"I'm fine," I lied. If they got back an hour ago, they must have heard us. "How was your weekend?"

"It was great. How was yours?"

"It was good seeing Liam and Jenna again," I said, avoiding every thing else.

"If you're fine, then I should probably get back to making dinner," she said and turned around. She was just about to leave when I stopped her.

"Mom?"

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you tell me? About the abortion?"

"You know," she sighed and walked up to me.

"So it's true?" I asked when she sat down next to me on the edge of my bed.

"I guess I told myself I was protecting you. You might not understand now, but when you have a child on your own, you will. I don't know if you remember, but when you were four or five, you asked me about him all the time. You wanted to know his name. Where he was. I didn't know what to say. He broke my heart when he told me he didn't want you. Things were already strained between us, but when he told me to murder an innocent baby – my baby – then I couldn't take it anymore. When he was at work, I packed my things and left. I never even looked back. Not when I felt your first kick, or when I held you in my arms for the first time. I haven't looked back once. Then you started asking those questions, and I thought that maybe it would have been easier to stay. And then I met Keith. I never meant to fall for him, but I saw how easy things were for you two. I saw how much he loved you, and how safe you were around him. So immediately I was too. If you hadn't liked him, I never even would have considered moving in with him. Marrying him. He's my everything, but so are you. You're my baby, and I can't even imagine how life will be like when you leave for college next year. Oh god, is it just six months left?"

I chuckled once, and then turned serious again.

"Why were things strained between you two?"

She looked at me for a moment before she answered that.

"He found out I was a hunter. After that he didn't look at me the same way. Things were different."

Mom had told me years ago about her old life. About the way her parents raised her, about how she always wanted to get out. Live a normal life. I didn't really take it good, but I accepted it after a while and now Mom and I told each other everything. We had always been close, but we became even closer after that.

"Why did you tell me?"

"About me being a hunter?" she asked and I nodded. "I never meant to. That life was beyond me, and I had a future. But when you stumbled over the mat and found the devils trap underneath it… You deserved to know. Not knowing didn't make you any safer than knowing."

"Do you think you would have stayed with him, if he didn't found out?"

"I don't know," she shook her head. "But I'm happy I left. I wouldn't have met Keith again, we wouldn't have moved here, and you wouldn't have met J.J."

"We had a fight," I confessed.

"I heard," she said. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"We screamed some things, and right before she left she said that maybe we should just break up. I agreed."

"You know she doesn't mean that," Mom said and I felt her hand around my shoulders. "People say things when fighting. You probably said something, too."

"Yeah," I sighed. "But she sounded pretty serious. And I can't blame her. I _did _lie to her."

"You're not a liar, Dean."

"Her Dad told me that he didn't think he would make it. He told me not to tell her, so I didn't. I told her today. She didn't like that very much."

"That's not lying," she told me. "That's just withholding important information."

"Aren't you supposed to make me feel better?" I asked. Because she really wasn't. She kinda made me feel worse.

"I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but I do have something that might."

"What is it?"

She laughed at my expectation and held out an envelope. I hadn't even noticed that she had it.

"The papers came today. You officially have two parents."

That sort of made me happier than it should, but it felt good. Keith had been there for me half my life, but now it was official. And that felt good.

"Does this mean I have to change my last name?" I asked and I heard Mom laugh. I knew I didn't have to. She still held her name. And no way in hell I would change my last name to Hicks.

"Things will work out – believe in that," she said, pressed a kiss on my temple and then left.

* * *

><p>J.J wasn't in school, and Liam told me she had slept at their place. But she hadn't said anything about the fight, so neither Jenna or Liam knew anything.<p>

I just wanted to see her, and tell her how fucking sorry I was. That I really should have told her everything from the start, and that I was sorry for some of the things I said yesterday.

I wanted to make sure that things were okay between us again.

I opened the front door and a moment later I was in the kitchen, grabbing something quick to eat.

"Where's Mom?" I asked Keith when he walked into the kitchen a moment later.

"She's at work, she'll be home in a few hours. Did you talk to J.J today?"

"Mom told you?" I understood and he nodded. "She wasn't in school. She won't answer my texts, and I don't know where she is."

"She's upstairs."

"What?" I asked, but before I had the chance to say anything I was running up the stairs, stopping outside her door. I opened the door, but she wasn't there. So I walked through the bathroom and saw her sitting on my floor, leaning against my bed.

"Hey," I said and she looked up at me.

"Hi," she answered, getting up on her feet. We stood like that for a moment, a few meters away from each other, and said nothing.

"I'm sorry," we said in unison, and then I took the few steps that was needed for me to reach her. She met my arms when I opened them, and I held her close.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you," I mumbled against the crook of her neck, breathing her in.

"I shouldn't have taken it so badly," she answered me and leaned out. "I-I didn't mean what I said. About breaking up. Can you forgive me?"

I didn't answer her right away, wondering why the hell I should forgive her. I'm the one who messed up. So I'm the one who should ask for her forgiveness.

But she took my silence the wrong way, and she got nervous.

"Can you? Are we still together? Yes, no, maybe?"

I smiled, cupped the side of her face and pressed my lips against hers.

"Definitely."

"I love you," she said against my lips and I pressed them against hers harder.

"I love you," I echoed as I broke the kiss. "I hate fighting."

"I couldn't even sleep last night, because of the things I said. I didn't have the right to tell you about John that way."

"It's okay," I promised. "Why didn't you answer my texts?"

"I didn't want to take this over the phone," she answered simply and I nodded. Yeah, it was better between four eyes.

"Have you always been this tall?" she asked, her arms still locked around my neck and her chin leaning against my shoulder.

I chuckled and answered her.

"I've been 6'1" for two years, and you know that."

"And I'm 5'9", so how can you suddenly feel so tall?"

"And you feel really small right now," I answered her. It was the truth, she felt tiny in my arms.

"We're pathetic," she chuckled. "It sounds like we were apart for years, when all it was was one night."

"Yeah, but I don't want to be apart from you," I murmured and found her lips again.

* * *

><p>"It's not that long until we have to apply to college, and I have no idea of where I wanna go," I stated, looking at J.J.<p>

We were sitting in her couch, and we had just got back upstairs. There was still people downstairs, but I was too tired to be social.

It was Mom's birthday, and this day was far from over. And I was tired already.

"I know exactly where I wanna go, but it's in San Francisco. That's a long way."

"That's across the country. Literally. What school is it?"

I knew I would end up at some college, but I didn't really care about which one. I had never thought about going that far, though.

"It's the Academy of Art University. It's a great school for photographers, and it's one of the best in the country. I've kinda always wanted to go there."

"Then you should apply."

"But it's a long way," she said and moved closer to me, her face only inches from mine. "I wanna be close to you, and I can't if I go there."

"There are more schools in San Francisco."

"Your home is here, Dean."

"Yeah, for now. But I could easily find a new home. With _you._"

"Do you really mean that? Would you be ready to move across the country for me? I don't have anyone here, but you have your Mom. And in a few months, you'll have a brother. Or a sister."

"I love you. And if I have to give up a small town in Vermont for you to live one of your dreams… I would gladly do it."

"If you were the one going to a school somewhere far away, I would follow you."

"I know," I answered her and pulled her face to mine. I captured her lower lip, sucking on it hard and passionately. She kissed me back, her hand grasping the side of my face as she moved closer to me.

A short moment later, we broke the kiss and I heard her laugh.

"What?"

I felt her run her fingers over my lower lip, her eyes staring into mine.

"Your lips are swollen," she stated and I laughed.

"So are yours."

"I figured."

She smiled, and I felt myself do the same.

"So we're moving to San Francisco this summer?" I asked, and she smiled a little bigger. It was easy to see how much she wanted it.

"If we can get in, then yeah."

"You'll get in. I'll just have to find a college first before I can apply."

She chuckled and then sighed. "You'll find one."

"You think so?"

"I _know _so," she promised. "And you will be one sexy firefighter in a few years."

"You're going to force me to wear the uniform at home, aren't you?"

"Probably, yeah," she laughed. "But if you were wearing a pair of working pants, then I wouldn't let you take them off. Ever."

I laughed, knowing she had like an obsession with them. And with necks. And noses. And hair. And jawlines. She has many obsessions.

"So, if you were a guy for a day, you would wear a pair of working pants?"

"Maybe later, toward the evening."

"What would you do first then?"

"Whack off."

I laughed at how fast she answered, and because she sounded so sure.

"Why whack off?"

"I've just always wanted to know what it feels like. I mean, guys don't have to put down as much energy as we do."

"If you think we don't have to work for it, you're wrong."

"That's not what I'm saying. But you probably succeeded the first time you played with yourself, am I right?"

Now I had to frigging think. I mean, when was that? I had done it like a million times since the first time. And I can't even remember how old I was.

"Probably," I guessed.

"Yeah, _I_ didn't. It took me years, and a lot of work and technique. Fantasies aren't helping. At least not for me. I actually thought I was unable to reach an orgasm, because it never worked. But then one day it did, and now I know how to do it right. And sometimes it still doesn't work."

"It worked when I did it for you," I offered and she smiled.

"You know that there is one hell of a difference between doing it yourself and having someone else do it."

"Yeah," I stated with a chuckle. I knew that too well.

"Ever since you helped me, it's not even fun to do it anymore. I want your hands, your fingers, instead of mine."

Oh god, this was turning me on. We were having a serious conversation about _fingering_, and it turned me on.

"When have you had the time to use your fingers, exactly?"

I mean, we were around each other like all the time.

"Let's just say you're not the only one using the shower."

And now, the next time I did, I would totally imagine her playing with herself. I never actually took my fantasies that far, even though I did take them far. Before our first kiss, I would imagine her naked. Then I would imagine her naked as I imagined her lips being on mine. Sometimes I imagined that my hands were hers. Sometimes I imagined us having sex. But never had I imagined her playing with herself.

"You can tell me all of this, but not your bra size?" I changed the subject and she chuckled.

She pressed a kiss on my lips before she got up from the couch.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I feel like a shower," she smirked, and I knew she was just teasing. I heard a soft laugh escape from her lips before she closed the door to the bathroom and I let out a sigh.

A short moment later, I heard a knock on the door and before I had the time to say anything it opened.

"I'm sorry, this must be the wrong room…" the man apologized.

"Wow," was all I could think, and the word actually left my lips.

"Wow, what?" he asked as I stood up.

"I mean… Wow. You must be Greg's brother."

The man standing in the doorway was pretty much a copy of J.J's Dad. A younger, shorter copy. Yeah, that had to be his brother. He was wearing normal clothes, but I knew he was a marine as well. Actually he was a paramedic, but he had signed up when the marines needed more paramedics on the field. He had been gone for almost two years. And now, I guess he was back.

"David," he confirmed. "Do you know where Jennie's room is?"

"You're actually standing in it."

"Oh," he said and walked in. "Where is she?"

Just then the bathroom door opened, and I saw J.J walking into the room.

"Who are you-" she started but then noticed David in the doorway. "David?"

She didn't have the chance to say anything else before she took the steps that was needed to reach him. I heard that her voice was shaky when she said his name, and when she hugged him I could see tears stream down _his_ face. I didn't doubt that she was crying, too.

This was awkward, and I felt really uncomfortable where I was standing. I had always hated seeing people cry, and even though I had seen J.J do it a lot since the accident, it was still uncomfortable. A part of me wanted to get the fuck out of the room and leave them alone, and the other part of me wanted to be there for J.J. To console her, if that's what she needed.

But this was the first time she saw her uncle in almost two years. He couldn't come to the funeral, because no one could reach him. No one knew where he was. But now he was home, and now he knew that his brother was dead.

"I'm gonna…" I started when J.J leaned out a moment later and she turned to look at me, shaking her head.

It wasn't the shaking of her head that made me decide on staying. It was her eyes. It was like she needed me there, and how could I go then? I mean, how could I just leave?

I gave her a quick but small nod, letting her know that I would stay, before I moved over and sat down indian style on the edge of the bed. They could take the couch.

J.J wiped the tears with the back of her hand, and I saw David do the same.

"How long have you been home?"

"Three days. I would have come here as soon as I heard from Mom and Dad, but…"

"It's okay," J.J answered before she started walking. I thought she would walk over to the couch, but a second later she was taking a seat in my lap and I wrapped my arms around her torso. I felt her twist her fingers with mine as David took a seat on the couch.

I didn't fully listen to their conversation until David mentioned the letters Greg had written for J.J.

"How do you know about them?"

"I got my own," he answered. "He mentioned the letters he had written for you. I guess he just wanted to make sure you would get them. Where were they?"

"You don't know?" J.J asked, sounding shocked.

"No. He mentioned them, but he never said where they were. All he said was that you would know where to look."

"Why am I not surprised?" J.J chuckled low to herself. "They were in the cabin. He wrote me one in the hospital, and I found that one on the piano."

"In the cabin? How did he get them there?"

I had actually been wondering the same thing, but I had never asked. Mostly since the last time we mentioned that letter, we argued.

"He wrote that he had your Dad place it there. He has the key, and it's the same town. It would be the easiest that way."

"Why didn't he just give it to you?"

"I don't know," J.J shook her head.

I tuned them out after that again, and an hour later I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I managed to reach it, and then silently cursed in my mind. How the hell could I forget that I had a match in an hour? First of the season actually, because of the fire and all of that.

"Hey, I gotta go. Joey's outside in five minutes," I said and reluctantly let go of J.J's hand before she moved from my lap.

"I'll see you there," she answered me when I pulled my hockey bag over my shoulder and was about to leave the room.

"You don't have to come, you know," I told her honestly. I mean, her uncle was here. I wanted her there, but she really didn't have to come.

"Have I ever missed one of your games?"

"Yeah," I answered and she gave me a soft glare. The only ones she had missed was maybe two, and that was because they had been out of town. She didn't even miss a game when she was still jumping on crutches a few months after the accident.

A few seconds later I was walking down the stairs, and I noticed that there was still around ten people around. Some from Mom's work, Keith's parents, and some other people.

"I'll see you tonight," I said as I walked by the living room where they all were, and Mom turned around to look at me.

"I'll see you in an hour," she corrected me and I raised an eyebrow. "It's your first game."

"I've played since I was ten. And it's your birthday. You really don't have to be there."

"Birthday or not, I've never missed a single one of your games. I intend to keep it that way."

I chuckled and rolled my eyes. Besides J.J, Mom had always been my biggest "fan". It's ridiculous.

I found my jacket and my shoes and as I walked outside, Joey was already there. He hadn't been officialy playing with our team for long, and he had kind of taken Liam's place on the team. But Joey was good – he had played for the school since our freshman year.

So this was his first game with our team, and he looked kind of nervous. I was way pass all of that. When you had been playing for as long as I have, you don't get nervous until the very second before the match starts. And even then, it's barely. But it's good to be nervous.

It would be really weird to play without Liam, though. We had been on the same team for so long, playing together for so long, that I always knew where I had him.

Our coach always managed to squeeze in the time for a speech before every game, and today was not any different. But I can't say it was as encouraging as they usually are.

"First game of the season, and if we don't win today it won't be our last. But to get some respect for the tournaments, we need to win this. Otherwise it will be easy to kick us out. So don't make mistakes. We can't afford that." After saying that, he reached for something in a bag and started throwing something out to us all. When Joey got his, I saw what it was. New jerseys. "We're a new team. We need new jerseys. New jackets. A new captain."

As he said those things, he tossed me my new shirt and I barely had the time to look at it before I saw the 'c' on the right chest.

"Are you serious?" I asked, looking up at him.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?" he stated. "The team voted. You're our best player. You've been here the longest. You know the team better than _I_ do."

"You guys know I'm only gonna be here this season," I stated, looking around. Sure, I was honored. But they needed a captain to stay. This was my last season. They knew I was leaving for college next year.

"The team voted," he said again and tossed out black jackets. Even my team jacket had a c on it, my last name written in cursive on the front, and the team name written on the back.

Twenty minutes later, the game had started, and I can't say it was an easy start. The other team almost scored twice in almost five minutes, and we needed to pick it up. We hadn't practiced much this season, but we're better than this. And it looks like I'm the one who needs to show it.

It took a few seconds, but I managed to get to the puck and I tackled the other player to get a hold of it. I almost flew against the goal, but I was too fast for the rest to reach me. Instead a player from the other team tackled me – hard – and I ended up on the ice. I quickly got up and shoot for the player who had tackled me. I tackled him harder than he had tackled me, knowing I would probably get a warning because I did so. But I didn't care, reached for the puck and changed my directions. Eric and Colton were by my side the entire time as I skated for the goal, and we kept passing the puck between us to make the other team confused. It worked, and they never had the chance to steal the puck from neither of us. With a few meters left before the goal, I had the puck again. I am a forward, after all. Two seconds later, the puck was in the goal and ten minutes in, I had scored the first goal for tonight.

The first period was over pretty quickly, and none managed to score another goal. Same with the other team.

Halfway through the other period, Colton scored our second goal and only a few seconds later our opponents scored their first.

And with only a second left of our second period, I scored again and then right before the period was over, I was tackled. Again. Harder this time. My left shoulder hit the rink in the corner section, and I could hear it smash against the wall. It wasn't exactly a cracking sound, but almost. That's gonna fucking hurt like hell tomorrow.

I cursed under my breath just as the period was over, and I skated over the ice with one hand on my left shoulder. I winched when I touched it, but I ignored the pain and found my way into the locker room where the rest of the guys were already.

"Go find Hamilton," Coach said after looking at me for a second but I ignored him and sat down.

"I'm fine."

"If you don't find him, you're benched for the rest of the game."

I knew that wasn't just a threat. He meant what he said. So I got up from my seat and found my way to Brian in his office in the back of the locker room. Brian had only been with the team for about a year, but he was the best physical therapist we had ever had.

He chuckled when he saw me, already having things prepared.

"I figured Tatarnic would send you here," he said as I sat down on the cot.

"What is it with you people calling each other by your last names?"

Seriously, the full staff did it. Our coach, our associate coach, our head scout… Everyone.

"Just take your shirts off," he said and I managed to pull the jersey over my head before I took everything else off. Shoulder pads, elbow pads, neckguard and then finally my t-shirt.

I heard another laugh, and realized the hickey J.J had given me a few days ago was still showing.

My shoulder was already swollen, but apparently there was nothing wrong. It was just sore, and it would bruise up and hurt for the next couple of days.

Brian wasn't happy about the fact that I wanted to get back out there, because apparently I shouldn't really use my left arm. But he gave me a shoulder ice wrap, and I would be able to fully move my left arm. Meaning I could play.

As soon as it was on, I could feel the cold and it already felt a little better. But I knew I shouldn't be fooled to believe that things would feel okay. Because as soon as that wrap was off, it would hurt again. Probably more than before, since I would play. But I could take it. We needed to win the game.

"Tatarnic won't be happy, and there's a chance he won't let you play," Brian warned as I put my t-shirt back on.

"Yeah, I know," I answered simply. Brian helped me with my pads so that it would go faster, because the game had probably already started again. And as I walked back out into the locker room it was empty, just like I had guessed.

I took my hockey stick and my helmet before I walked out of the door, and found J.J leaning against one of the walls.

"Your Mom sent me when she didn't see you," she explained before I even had the chance to wonder what she was doing there.

"I'm not surprised," I chuckled and she came up to me.

"You okay?"

"Okay enough to play," I answered her. "But I'm not really supposed to play. Or use my left arm for a few days."

"Maybe I shouldn't tell your Mom that," she said and let out a small chuckle. I smiled with her and then sighed.

"You know, I have something for you," I said and opened the door to the locker room. I found the jacket I had already put in my bag, and took it up before I walked back out to J.J.

"I love it," she grinned and took it from my hands.

"You can't use it all the time," I told her, knowing she would steal it from me whenever she had the chance. "I need it from time to time. Besides, it has _my _name on it."

"So?" she asked with a smile playing on her lips. "Then people will know that I'm yours."

"I think they know that anyway," I answered with a smile and then I reached down to place a soft kiss on her lips. She kissed me back for a second before she let go and placed her hand on my chest.

"Now go out and do your best, _captain_," she said and I chuckled before I left.

I didn't even have the chance to put my mouthguard back in before Coach stopped me and pulled me down on the bench.

"You can't bench me, I went to see him."

"He also told me about your shoulder. So sit there for now. We're gonna need you in about ten minutes or so."


	15. dates and confessions

I felt something hitting my head, and I opened my eyes to see what it was. But I immediately had to close them again because of the brightness in the room.

"Hey, wake up," I heard J.J say from across the room and I groaned.

Why hadn't my alarm went off?

I prepared myself for the light in the room as I slowly opened my eyes again, and watched the red numbers staring back at me.

"I can sleep for twenty more minutes," I groaned again and closed my eyes. I tried to fall back to sleep, but the soreness of my shoulder came creeping in on me. _Fuck._

"You can't fall asleep again, can you?" I heard J.J say after a moment, and I could hear the smugness in her voice.

"Shut up," I mumbled and opened my eyes. She was sitting on the window ledge, fully dressed and she looked pretty much done with two hours left until school would start. "What are you doing awake anyway?"

"Couldn't sleep," she answered simply, but there was something behind those words. Some reason she didn't tell me.

"Why?"

"Bad dream," she smiled weakly and I sighed. She had bad dreams? There was no doubt about what they were about.

"How long?"

"Once in a while."

That's when I noticed the white paper she was playing with.

"What's that?"

"The reason I woke you up. David gave me a letter. I wasn't supposed to have it until my eighteenth birthday, but since we'll be in Sweden… I got it now."

"Is it from David?"

She shook her head. "It's from Dad. He gave it to his parents to give to me. He actually wrote on the envelope that I can't read it until I'm eighteen, but I want to and…"

"Don't read it," I stopped her. "He wanted you to wait. You should wait."

"Yeah," she sighed after a moment of silence. "And you should take a shower."

"I don't smell that bad," I stated and she looked at me. Okay, so I didn't take a shower last night after the game but I was _tired_…

"You smell like a hockey game. Take a shower."

I chuckled before I, without thinking, leaned myself on my left hand to get up. And then I winced before I used my right hand instead.

I could feel J.J's eyes on me as I got up, and then I heard a soft laugh coming from her. I knew why.

"It's morning," I half explained. I might have dreamt about doing some things with her as well that explained my hard-on. It wasn't even fully erected, but it was on it's way there.

"You always blame it on that. Y'know, I don't wake up with a boner every morning."

"You're a chick," I stated and heard her laugh before I suggested something. "You could help me…"

"So can the shower," she said and reached for the book next to her. I laughed before I closed the bathroom door behind me and stripped.

Fifteen minutes later I had dried myself and found a pair of boxers. I took the ice wrap from the counter, and tried to put it on my shoulder. And then I tried again. And again.

After five minutes of failing, I decided I needed help. I opened the door to our bedroom and saw that J.J was still sitting on the ledge of the window. This time with her guitar and a pen in her hands. I smiled as I watched her write some words in the book she had in her lap.

She was writing a new song.

"I know you have a thing for watching me write, but you're stressing me," she said without looking up and I chuckled.

"I don't," I corrected her. "I have a big thing for watching you write."

"Why?" she looked up and I smiled.

"You're left handed. It's fascinating to watch you write. It's charming. Sexy."

"15 percent of the world is left handed. Keith is. Go watch him write."

"Then it wouldn't be sexy or charming anymore," I told her and heard her laugh.

"I need your help," I said and lifted my right hand, holding the ice wrap.

She laughed again, putting the guitar in the window and got up to me. Just a second later she took the wrap from my hand and I felt her soft fingers on my shoulder. I tried not to wince, and almost succeeded. I felt her eyes on mine, so I met them and I didn't break our gaze.

"You have a big bruise," she murmured. "Does it hurt?"

"I can feel it," I said, and she rolled her eyes, seeing through me. Yeah, it hurt.

She was careful as she placed the ice wrap on my shoulder, and then she reached up to press her lips against mine. I kissed her back for a few seconds before she let go and wrapped her arms around my torso. Her right hand rested just above my heart, and she could without a doubt feel it beat faster under her touch.

"I'm hungry," she whispered and I laughed.

"You've been awake for like an hour, and you haven't been eating?"

"I was waiting for you," she stated simply and I rolled my eyes before I walked over to the closet and found a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Then we headed downstairs, and met both Mom and Keith in the kitchen.

"How's the shoulder?" Keith asked and I answered with a simple 'fine'. But, not surprisingly, Mom saw through me.

"Dean can you hand me a plate?" she asked. Yeah, that would have been fine if the plates wouldn't have been in a cabinet where I didn't have to reach my arms up in the air to actually reach them.

"Why do you have to be a nurse?" I mumbled under my breath and heard her laugh.

Both of them left twenty minutes later, when J.J and I were just about done with our breakfast.

An hour later we met up with Liam and Jenna, walked to school and from then the day passed pretty slow. The only good thing before lunch was in math when J.J actually proved the teacher wrong. She had solved the equation wrong, and J.J had solved it right.

Walking out of the classroom, almost reaching our lockers, I pulled her close to me.

"Is it wrong that I totally found that hot?" I whispered in her ear as she threw her math book in her locker. She met my gaze for a second to read how serious I was before she took the book from my hand and tossed it in her locker.

Taking my hand, she dragged me with her away from the crowd and toward the exit of the school. I had no idea where she was taking me until I saw it right in front of me written in black letters.

_Janitor closet._

"You are brilliant," I said as she pulled me into the small room and locked the door behind us. "But really? In here?"

"We could be on a toilet and I wouldn't care," she answered me as she pressed me against the wall and I felt her lips attack mine.

I laughed into the kiss and I felt her smile. I wouldn't care either, though. Reading between the lines, I knew what she meant.

After breakfast, we had started a pretty hot make out session, and we were more than close to coming way too late to school.

With her lips still on mine, hard and passionate and slow, her hands found their way to my jeans to unbuckle them. Mine on the other hand were already cupping her breasts, grabbing and massaging and groping.

"Do you need a manual?" I asked a moment later, when she still hadn't managed to unbuckle them.

"There's too many buttons!" she said, annoyed and I laughed. I replaced her hands with mine, and I easily unbuckled every button. Then I found the buttons on her jeans shirt, my lips finding hers again. As my fingers fumbled over the buttons, her tongue darted into my mouth and I met it with mine.

By now, I was almost fully erected. It's insane how quick she can do that to me. Sometimes it's inconvenient. But I love it.

I opened my eyes when I was sure that I had unbuckled enough buttons to unveil her bra, but all I could see was a black tank top. Cursing to myself as J.J's lips traced along my throat, I unbuckled the rest of the buttons. She pulled the shirt off quickly, and then her lips left mine as I dragged the top over her head. Her lips attacked mine again, and I smiled into the kiss as I saw the roundness of her breasts cupped in the bra. Moving my lips from her mouth again, I traced them along her skin. Her throat, collarbones and finally her breasts. I hated the fabric of the bra for being in the way, but it would take too long to take it off. Besides, I always had a hard time with the clasp anyway.

So as I sucked where I could reach, my hands went inside her black leggins to pull them off. After getting them down halfway, J.J took over and kicked them aside. As she did so, I kicked my shoes off so I could get rid of my jeans. I don't know how J.J lost her shoes, but she must have taken them off somehow because they weren't on her feet.

We hadn't been in the closet for a long time, but our breathings were already speeding up and my heart were beating hard.

Thinking that I was already fully erected, J.J proved me wrong by placing a teasing hand inside my boxers, causing me to get a little harder. Needing to be inside her, I spun us around and pushed her against the wall instead. I lifted her up in a swift movement, ignoring the pain it caused me.

"Dean," she argued as she locked her legs around my waist. "Your shoulder."

"I don't care about my shoulder," I stated and pressed my lips against hers hard. With that said and done, I pushed her panties aside enough for me to enter her, and I couldn't help but to feel how wet she was already. I don't know how she managed, but she pulled my boxers down and a short moment later I was pushing inside of her. I couldn't get over the feeling that she was still tight around me, or the fact that I could feel her without a frigging rubber on. Before J.J, I had only had sex with a condom. So J.J was my first, so to say.

I heard a soft and quiet wince from J.J when I pushed, and I hesitated before I pulled out.

"It still hurts, doesn't it?" I asked as I slowly opened my eyes. J.J kept hers closed, but she answered me with a steady voice.

"Sometimes. A little bit. But the burning goes away after a few thrusts." When I still didn't do anything, she opened her eyes and looked into mine. "It's okay, Dean. The only way it's going to disappear is by doing this."

I waited for a second, but realized that she was right. But I still didn't want to hurt her. So I closed my eyes again, pressed my lips against hers and gave her a soft thrust. Her hips moved with mine, and I could feel that she was careful not to touch my left shoulder too much. I didn't want to hurt her, and she didn't want to hurt me.

I could feel how relaxed she was in my arms, and my thrusts became harder and deeper with every new one.

I felt her biting my lip softly, and I tried to suppress my moan. But I didn't succeed, and it came out louder than I wanted it to. And she answered with one of her owns, but hers where more quiet.

A short moment later, I felt her walls tighten around me and I released inside of her. Also a feeling that I loved.

I held her in the air as our breathings slowed down, and I kissed her before I let her down on the floor again. We helped each other find our clothes, and got dressed as quickly as possible.

"Isn't that cold?" I asked as she pulled on her leggins, and she nodded.

"Kinda, yeah. But only when we're outside."

I laughed at her lame answer as I buckled my jeans again. I handed J.J her shirt, and she quickly managed to buckle it.

But, according to me, she buckled one button too much so I raised my hands to unbuckle it. I could now see a little bit of cleavage, and it was perfect. Not enough for everyone to stare, but enough for me to see something if I wanted to. Which I would want to.

I unlocked the door, and looked outside to see that no one was there before I opened it completely and J.J and I walked outside hand in hand. I chuckled when I saw that her braid was completely ruined, and when I told her she let her hair out and if fell over her shoulders and stopped underneath her breasts. Much sexier.

"Where the hell have you two been?" Jenna asked as we sat down at their table a few minutes later, and I felt everyone's eyes on us.

"We just had to do something," I answered lamely.

"You totally pawned in the janitor closet, didn't you?" Liam understood, and I heard a round of laughter around our table as J.J softly blushed. If nothing else had given us away, that would have.

"No," I lied smoothly but everyone saw through the lie.

Next class was P.E and because of my shoulder I couldn't be in the class. But I could be there to watch.

The teacher – he was actually new and had transferred here only a month ago – had to leave for a short meeting, but told us that we would have to show something that we had been doing. So no one dared to skip this class.

"So, Freckles, shouldn't you be warming up?"

"For what?" she asked, wrapping her arms around my torso and meeting my eyes.

"Am I wrong when I think that you will show off and do like a thousands of flips?"

"Flips?" she asked, both looking and sounding surprised.

"Hey, I don't know what it's called. You're the gymnast."

"You actually got it right. I taught you well. All you need to do now is to become a little more flexible."

"So you're doing a flip?"

"I'm doing two _somersaults_, also called salto or flips. But yeah."

"You probably haven't been doing one in like forever, so shouldn't you practice?" She probably hadn't been doing one since the accident. "And what do you mean, I need to get more flexible?"

"I mean like this," she said, backed up a few steps and then easily slid down into a splits.

She laughed when I pulled her up a few seconds later, rolling her eyes. I was just about to lean down and place a kiss on her lips when we heard applauding and some screaming, so we turned our heads in the right direction. Someone had pulled out all of the ropes, placed a mat underneath them and now Joey and Liam was having a competition about who would reach the top first. Looks like Liam won that one. I'm not surprised. He has some upper body strength.

J.J squeezed my hand harder before she pulled me with her, going

through the crowd. Everyone but us seemed to have been watching.

"Ready for a match?" Liam asked J.J, wiggling his eyebrows, causing all three of us to laugh.

"On three?" J.J asked, dropped my hand and walked up to the ropes. And man, her legs looked good on those shorts. Not to mention her ass.

"On three," Liam confirmed as they both glanced up toward the ceiling. Someone counted, and then they were off. Liam was fast, but J.J was faster. She's smaller than him, smoother in her movements, and she's strong. She might not look strong, but she has muscles. Mostly from her time as a gymnast, but she was still in shape. And she had motivation. If she hadn't followed me to the gym from time to time, or followed her doctors instructions… Then she probably wouldn't even be able to walk without pain, even now a year and a half after the accident.

So yeah, you can't see her muscles, but they're there. She has _abs _down under that's not possible to see, but you can feel them. Her stomach is just as hard as mine when flexing them. Not that mine was showing any more than hers was, but they were still there. It depends on what kinds of training you do, and what muscles you're training while doing it.

She reached the top almost a second before he did, and he cursed while climbing down and jumping the last part. J.J was laughing, causing me to smile. She walked up to me, and I felt her lips against mine. Wrapping my arms around her, I lifted her up an inch above the floor. Or at least I was going to, because I felt a stabbing pain in my shoulder.

"I told you," J.J stated when I put her down, and I rolled my eyes through my pain. Yeah, she told me. But who cares? A few more days of pain is nothing. Besides, I could just take some painkillers when I got home.

I leaned down again, felt her soft lips against mine and then heard a cough a few moments into the kiss. So we broke it and looked around us. Great, the teacher was back.

"Dean and Jennie, mind keeping your eyes on the class?"

"Sorry," we said at the same time, pressing our lips together not to laugh. That didn't keep Liam and Jenna from laughing, though. Or the rest of the class. Except a few people, meaning Olivia and her friends.

J.J stretched as the others showed something up, mostly things a five year old could do. Then there was J.J.

She got up from the floor in one swift movement, walked a few paces away from everyone, making sure there was room for what she was about to do. She took a quick but deep breath before she prepared herself, and two seconds later she was doing her thing. One, two somersaults… No wait, three, four, five, before she landed on the floor again and actually stopped. What happened with doing two? And it's not like I was bothered with the fact that she did more, it was just that it looked difficult. And dangerous. I mean, that would _hurt __a lot_ if she missed it. So I was kinda nervous when she did them. Proud, but nervous.

"I know, I know," I heard her say to the teacher. "I'm not supposed to make those without a mat underneath."

The teacher wasn't just our teacher. He had also been her old gymnast teacher, so he was well aware of what she could do and not.

"But good job. That landing was _almost_ perfect," I heard him say before he high-fived her, and she laughed. "And we miss you on the team."

"I miss the team, too."

"You should stop by some time," he said and she nodded.

"Yeah, I might just do that."

* * *

><p>"How long time do you need in there?" I asked from our room, and heard J.J answer through the bathroom door.<p>

"Five more minutes."

"Why does it always take forever for girls to get ready," I muttered to myself under my breath.

"I heard that," J.J stated through the door and I rolled my eyes. Turning my gaze toward the computer again, I saw that the page had loaded.

I was checking college's in San Francisco that could give me a firefighter education. And I might have found a good school for it. It wasn't all that expensive. Reasonable, I guess.

J.J was already done with her application, but she hadn't sent it yet. She said she'd wait for me. We'd do it together.

"Hey, get in here for a sec," I called and a moment later the bathroom door opened. Wearing a pair of jeans, a tank top and the hockey jacket I got about a week ago, J.J was barefoot, holding a mascara in her hand. Her hair was in a messy braid, but it looked good on her. Sexy, even.

"What?"

"You're gonna wear that, aren't you?" I asked, indicating on the jacket.

"It's your own fault. What did you want?"

"I might have found a school," I said and pointed at the laptop.

"What school?" she asked, walking up to me. She leaned down so that she better could see the site I showed her. After a moment of reading, she still hadn't given anything away.

"What do you think?"

"It sounds pretty good. Is it for two years?"

"No, three," I corrected her and she nodded. Hers were for only two years. "Should I apply?"

"It's your decision. But I think you should. It's one step closer to becoming a firefighter."

She was right. And I've wanted to become a firefighter for years. Since I was like six. And then I met Keith, and I actually got to follow him to his job… And since then I've been hooked. It's what I wanna do in my life. I wanna help people somehow. I couldn't be a cop. That's just not me. But a firefighter? Yeah, I could really see myself as one.

"Go get ready so we can get out of here," I said, placed my hand on her ass and pushed her away while I heard her laugh. I saved the site, closed the laptop and got up from the couch where I was sitting right after I heard the bathroom door close again.  
>Walking to the closet, I changed my shirt for another one, put on a pair of socks and then left the room to head downstairs.<p>

Both Keith and Mom was at their jobs, so J.J and I were home alone. But not for long. As soon as she was done, we would head on that date.

I had already found and packed those old skates from when I was thirteen. They were a little bit to big on her, but she could wear them with some thicker socks.

My things were already at the rink, in my locker. Like always.

A few minutes later I heard footsteps upstairs, so I quickly put on my shoes and a jacket and sneaked out the door just in time for J.J to walk down the stairs. She didn't see me, though.  
>I waited a few seconds before I pressed the door bell and I heard J.J from inside.<p>

"Dean, can you take that?"

I pressed again.

"Dean?" I heard her shout before the footsteps got closer to the door and a few seconds later she was standing in front of me.

"What are you doing out here?"

"We have a date, remember? I'm supposed to pick you up," I said and walked inside as she chuckled. "This is a very nice house you have."

She shoved me slightly and I laughed before I reached down for the bag on the floor.

"You done?"

She nodded as she grabbed a bag of her own, this one smaller and composing of a camera. She jumped in her shoes, took her jacket and then we walked out the door.

Fifteen minutes later we were at the studio, and J.J started to set things up. Don't ask me what she was doing, but it was something.

"Can you stand over there?" she asked, pointing at a white wall.

"Why do you want me in front of the camera?"

"I just gotta check the lights, I won't take a picture."

Narrowing my eyes in a feign expression, I walked over to the wall and saw her smile as she rolled her eyes.

Looking into the camera, she made some changes and then I saw a flash.

"You said you wouldn't take a picture," I stated and she chuckled.

"Yeah, I lied. I'll erase it, but I need to check so that everything is alright."

She took a few more pictures before she did something else and them walked away from the camera.

"You done?"

"Almost," she said and walked up to me. Suddenly I felt her lips against mine, and I kissed her back. Sucking on her lower lip, I closed my eyes and then suddenly noticed something.

"Was that a flash?" I asked against her lips.

"Maybe," she said and captured my lips with hers again. Her tongue entered my mouth, and I gladly kissed her back as I noticed something that was probably a flash again.

"These are too big," J.J complained and I kneeled down in front of her. She was sitting on the bleachers in the rink, and I was already done with my skates. J.J was almost done with the lacing, but I stopped her hands. She was doing it all wrong. I told her.

"Don't complain. I haven't been standing on a pair of skates since I was like eight. I don't know how to do this."

"Not like this," I laughed and unlaced them to do it all over again. I pulled them hard, and then did the same thing with her left foot.

"All done," I said, got up and took her hand to pull her up from her sitting position.

"Just so you know, I will fall down," she warned. Laughing, I led her down the bleachers to the rink, and got out on the ice while she still stood on the ground.

"Maybe this was a bad idea," she murmured and I laughed.

"No, it's not," I told her. "Now c'mon."

She shook her head and I laughed again as I skated toward her. I grabbed her and lifted her up as she tried to get down, but I took her out on the ice before I let her down. Her legs went in two different directions, only causing me to laugh more.

"You're like Bambi, you know that right?"

"Shut up," she said. "I'm gonna stand here just so you know."

"No you're not," I said, faced her and took both of her hands before I started to skate us both around the rink.

"How are you doing this backward?" she said, a small laugher in her voice. "I can barely do it straight forward."

"You can't do it straight," I corrected her and she glared at me causing me to laugh again. "I've been playing hockey since I was like what, five? It's not that hard."

"But it is," she said and I continued to drag her around.

She got the hang of it after a few minutes, but she refused to let go of my hands. I didn't complain.

"I'm gonna call you Bambi from now on, just so you know," I warned her and she rolled her eyes as she chuckled.

"Then I'll call you Freckles."

"That's your nickname," I laughed.

"You have freckles too."

"Yeah, but you're the one who hates yours. Which makes it more fun to call you that."

"Can you stop being so smart all the time?" she complained as she laughed and I joined her.

"Nope," I answered and she rolled her eyes.

"So I forgot to tell you something," she said a moment later.

"What?"

"I'm gonna start with a different kinds of pills."

"Why?" I asked. "The ones you're on now… What's wrong with them?"

"Nothing, but I get these headaches from them. I already talked to your Mom about it, and I found another kind I want."

"Meaning…?"

"Nothing special. I'm gonna be on these until they're over, meaning in a few days. And then I'll start on my new ones as soon as my period starts."

"That gives us a week with no sex," I complained. "And then another week when you're on your period. Why are you laughing?"

"Because you're adorable," she laughed. "You went months without sex, and now you're complaining over two weeks."

"Of course I am," I stated with a frown and she laughed again.

"There's this one little thing though…"

"What now?" I asked, groaning.

"The new pills I'm gonna be on… They take away my period. Completely."

I felt myself smiling like a moron, and she laughed again.

"You look like a five year old on Christmas morning."

"This means sex 24/7. 12 months a year. So why can't you start on them tomorrow?"

She laughed, let go of my hands and shoved my slightly. But it gave the wrong effect though, and she's the one who ended up on the ice. I laughed as I skated over to her and reached my hand out to help her up. She took it, and I was about to pull her up when she dragged me down over her and I landed on top of her. I was about to get up when she wrapped her right arm around my neck and pulled me down to her face, her lips meeting mine.

After kissing her back for a long moment, I broke the kiss and leaned out.

"With only a few more days of sex, we should head home."

"Oh, really?" she mused with a smile.

"Definitely."

"We still have a movie to watch. And we were supposed to eat something."

Mentioning it, I was kinda hungry. Damn it, did she have to ruin the moment?

"Some food, and then we'll go home and have sex?" I offered and she laughed and shook her head in amusement.

"Your Mom is going to be home," she stated. More teasingly than seriously.

"Who cares? We haven't had sex in three days."

"Two," she corrected me. "And last night I have you head."

"And now you're only turning me on more, so we better leave."

She laughed but we got up, and twenty minutes later we were sitting in a café, taking our orders.

J.J ordered a pasta salad with roast beef, and some garlic sauce on the side. It sounded delicious, but I took toasts with ham and cheese, and extra red onion. And some garlic sauce on the side.

Two cokes with that, and we were talking as our food was made.

"I forgot to ask, what do you want for Chr- Right, New Years?" I changed my words when she shot me a warning glare. She should only know that I was already done with her gift. Or at least one of them. I was done with the one I would give her on Christmas Day, but I didn't know what I wanted to give her when she turned eightteen.

I bought her a matching set of lingerie for Christmas. I know she said I would only get something I thought was sexy, and it would end up really uncomfortable. But I had talked to the sales person. I'm not stupid.

"I don't know. What do you want for Christmas?"

"Nothing," I said. Mom and Keith had already given me their gift. The trip to Sweden. It would cost a lot of money, so I hadn't asked for anything else. And now when J.J asked, what did I want?

"You could give me a new phone," I teased. "I need a new one."

Mine was getting old, but I liked it. I knew how it worked in my sleep. No way I was giving it up.

"I could give you a bigger spot in the closet," she joked and I agreed.

"Yes, that you can do."

She laughed and our food came out, so we started to eat.

"I can't believe we're leaving in twelve days," I said.

"You nervous?" she asked, a smile on her lips.

"Not about the trip. No, I don't like flying and it's a long flight, but I'll be fine. But meeting your brother, and the rest of your family? Yeah, kinda."

"You shouldn't worry about that. My brother… He's a lot like me. My grandmother doesn't know a word in English though, so I have to translate."

"And your brother's girlfriend?"

"She's good for him. She's a veterinarian, and they met through her job. His dog was sick, and there she was. When she moved to the house with him, she gave up her work. She didn't like the people she was working with, and she started her own business. She goes around the farms in town, and takes care of the horses. And cows, and whatever animals there might be."

"And your brother, did he have a job before he started breading horses?"

"He's always loved horses, and when his Dad's father died, he took over the farm. But he used to compete in car racing. He was good, and actually came in second in a competition where the best in Sweden can compete. So don't freak out of he drives really quickly when he picks us up. It's a habit."

"Nice habit," I laughed and she joined me.

"There's one more thing you should know though."

"What?"

"He's really good at reading people. I can read people too, but he's good. He can tell you exactly how a person is just by talking to that person for a few seconds. For me it takes a little longer, but yeah… So don't worry about first impressions. He will know pretty much everything about how you are after saying 'Hello'."

"That is good to know," I agreed. "Wait, you can read people?"

"You didn't know that?" she asked and I shook my head. "I kinda thought you knew. I don't talk about it though, just like I don't talk about money. But I still kinda thought you knew."

"I had no idea of the fact that you're a millionaire, so yeah… You're good at hiding stuff."

"That's one of the reasons you can't lie to me."

Hm, that kinda made sense. Not that I wanted to lie to her, and I had never felt the urge to do that. But she did see through me in a way I kinda wish she didn't. So now I had that one explained.

"So what was your first impression of me?"

She laughed softly once before she talked.

"I couldn't really read people when I was seven, Dean. It's something that's grown as I've grown."

"But what if you could, without knowing about it? Why else would you sit down next to me?"

"Because you looked lonely," she explained. Yeah, I had heard that one.

"But why you? If I looked lonely, than someone else would have seen it. Someone else could have sat down next to me. And then we wouldn't be sitting here right now."

"You're right," she agreed after a moment of thinking. "That's another thing, too. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Like you said, if I hadn't sat down next to you that day, then we wouldn't be sitting here now."

"I don't know what I believe. I think we all have an end that we're going to one way or another. But we have a lot of different roads to chose from. Different choices to make. But they all bring us to the same end."

"I believe a lot of things," she said. "That too. And a person has to go through pain so that they can appreciate the good stuff. And if you don't go through pain, than nothing good will ever happen to you. And a person can't only chose the easy roads in life. You have to make a wrong turn, make mistakes. Learn from those mistakes. And live life the hard way. Otherwise you won't get anything from it. You can't only pick the easy things in life."

"It's scary how we think in the same way," I said. "And how we always kinda say the same things. And finish each other sentences."

It happened every day almost. She could randomly say something, and I was just thinking the same thing. Or we could comment something at the same time, with the exact same words. And tone. It was scary. But I guess it was because we knew each other so well.

"I think it's because wen have spent so much time together, and because we know each other so well."

Yeah, scary.

"So, everything happens for a reason?"

"Trust me," she replied. "It's been tested. I don't see a reason for why Mom, and Dad and Julia aren't here. But there must be one. Somewhere. And even though I might not ever figure it out, it's there. And I think I need to believe that for things to be okay. Otherwise I don't know what I'd do. If I didn't have that one small thing."

"Maybe it's so you can walk stronger out of all of this?"

"Yeah, maybe. But still, if I ever get married… What is the reason why Dad isn't leading me down the aisle?"

"Maybe someone else was destined to do it," I offered and she smiled.

"Yeah, maybe," she repeated. "And now, when we're kinda on it. There's one more thing you should know about me."

"And now you're kinda scaring me," I told her honestly. She went from a smile to a serious face. Yeah, she was scaring me.

"I… I kinda sense things."

"Sense as in… it's gonna rain?"

"No," she laughed. "I sense people. Maybe spirits is a better word. I'm very open to all of that. It developed a few years ago, and it's gotten stronger. In the middle of the loss of Mom and Julia, it disappeared. But it creeped back, and when I lost Dad it was almost back. And now it's kinda stronger than ever. Mom was the same. She knew how to turn it off, which I don't. She never had the chance to teach me that. I was too weak, and I'm still not completely developed. This is something that grows stronger until you die. I'm creeping you out, aren't I?"

She was babbling, meaning she was nervous.

"No," I said hesitantly after a moment. "I just have to clear one thing up. With spirits you mean…?"

"Ghosts?" she said it like a question and I nodded slowly. Wow. She sense ghosts. This was not freaking me out. Not at all. It was just… freaking me out in a different kind of way.

Mom is a former hunter, of ghosts. And J.J… senses them.

They have to talk. Right now. Just… Yeah. They need to talk. We had to get home, so that they can talk. About this.

"Are these… ghosts… like mean, or something?"

She immediately shook her head. Okay, so Mom would probably have a different opinion on that.

"They can be confused. But mostly they're just here to help, or see someone. Since I haven't learned to turn it off, I can feel them more often than I want to. But I often know who they are. And they've passed over. They're in peace. And even though I can't see them, they do kind of try to communicate from time to time."

"But there are those who haven't gone over to the other side yet?"

"Yeah, but I've never come across one of them. I guess they kinda sense that I'm too weak. I don't know. I can't help them."

"Wow… just wow."

"I'm freaking you out," she said again. By now we were finished eating, so as I shook my head I stood up.

"No, really, you're not. I just.. wanna go home, okay?"

"Yeah," she said, got up and pulled on her jacket as I did the same. We had already paid, so I grabbed her hand after we took our stuff, and we left.

I didn't say a single word as we walked home, and I think that worried her. But I just had to think things over.

Yeah, J.J sensed things. Ghosts. But she didn't know what else was out there. Hell, I didn't know half of the things. If even a third. But Mom knew. And if I let J.J talk to Mom, would that scare her off?

I knew J.J was open minded, so now I just hoped she was opened minded enough.

"Mom?" I called out as we walked inside the house, and I heard her answer from the kitchen. Great. As long as I did this without thinking, it would be fine. Hopefully.

Still holding J.J's hand, I led her with me into the kitchen. Keith was in there as well.

"Mom, can I talk to you about something?" I asked, letting go of J.J's hand and standing by the kitchen counter. Mom got up from the table and stood next to me.

"You look… worried," she said and I nodded.

"I need you to talk to J.J," I said quietly.

"About what?" she replied and I looked at her hoping she would understand. "Oh, that?"

"Yeah, that."

"Are you sure?"

"No," I shook my head. "But she deserves to know. I could tell her, but you'd say it better. You know more than I do."

"Do you want to be here?"

I shook my head without thinking. I wasn't sure I wanted to see her reaction. Or hear it. It was better if it was just Mom.

Mom nodded before she turned toward Keith and J.J, and told Keith discreetly to leave.

"J.J, can I talk to you? Alone."

"Ehm, yeah, sure."

And with that, Keith and I left. I walked up the stairs, leaving J.J's camera and the bag with the skates in our room before I sat down in the window. And waited.

Two hours must have passed before I got out from our room and sat down in the middle of the stairs, hoping to hear something. By now, they must be finishing up. If they weren't already.

But I didn't hear a word and a few short moments later Keith came out from the kitchen, and was about to head up the stairs when he saw me sitting there.

"Your Mom wants to talk to you."

Nervously I got up, walked down the stairs and headed into an empty kitchen. J.J wasn't there. It was just Mom, sitting with a cup of tea at the table.

"Where's J.J?"

"Don't worry," she caught up on my worry. Of course I was worried. I could have jeopardized our relationship by letting Mom tell her everything. I had no idea of how J.J felt. Or where she was for that matter.

"Where is she?" I asked again as I sat down opposite to Mom.

"She left maybe ten minutes ago. Said she needed to think. But she took it kinda well. Better than you."

"That's not helping."

Mom took a gulp from her tea without saying anything, and I found myself biting on my lower lip. Something I do when I'm nervous.

"What's it been, three years since I told you about me?"

"I think so," I said and nodded. Mom continued.

"I didn't tell you everything, and I never really planned on telling you what I'm about to say. But now when you've met John, and you're older… I've been talking to Keith about it, and I should tell you."

"Tell me what? You know, this isn't helping either."

Especially not since _she_ looked worried. Like I would run again.

"About two years before you were born, actually just a few days before John proposed to me, I met this man. I actually noticed him following me, so I confronted him. He was another hunter, and told me something was after us. So I took him home. I was still living with my parents, and your grandfather was not happy."

Mom had never talked much about her parents. I knew a demon killed them and that they were hunters, but not much more.

"He didn't trust other hunters, but there was something about this man… _I_ trusted him. He tried to help us with the case, and when we thought things were taken cared of, my parents died. There was nothing he could do, so the man left. I told John the only thing I could think about – my Dad had a heart attack while driving and both he and Mom died. He believed me. So two years later, we were married. I just found out about you, and I'm basically just trying to figure out how to tell John when someone knocks on the door. Again, the same hunter as two years earlier. Only this time, he wasn't alone. He had his brother with him. I could see that they were close. And they told me I had something coming after me."

"What was after you?" I asked. I had more questions, but I had a feeling I could ask them later.

"An angel. Right? Yeah, I had a hard time believing them. But still… There was something about that man, and I tried to believe him. He promised he would explain everything, so I trusted him. More things happened, and John found out we were hunters. As you know, he didn't take it well. But under the circumstances, he had to trust me when I told him I knew what I was doing. Even though I didn't. My patient was starting to run out, and I faced the older brother. Told him he had to tell me what the hell was happening."

"Did he?"

"After I told him I would leave, yeah. I didn't believe him at all, but he told me things only I would know. And I had to believe him."

"So what did he say?"

Taking a deep breath, she looked at me. She was nervous. And worried. And that made me scared. I rarely saw Mom like this. Only scaring me more.

"His name was Dean. The other man, his brother, was Sam. And they… they said they came from the future."

"Excuse me, what?"

"My reaction exactly," she told me. "Dean told me something more, though. He and his brother weren't only from the future, but they were my sons. I didn't believe him. How could I? But then he started listing things. Like how I would sing 'Hey Jude' when he was about to go to sleep, because it was my favorite Beatles song. And how I would make tomato rice soup…"

"when I'm sick," I finished for her and she nodded. "I'm Dean."

How could this be happening? How? I mean, what? Was this true?

My head was spinning, and I got up from the chair I was sitting on. Just walking around the kitchen, trying to grasp one of those questions I had in my head. Trying to understand what she was saying.

"Dean, sit down. Please?"

"No," I told her, shaking my head frantically.

She stood up, and tried again.

"Let me finish, okay?"

I was still shaking my head like a crazy person.

"How is this… I mean, what? How?" I asked again.

"I know this is a lot," she offered.

"This is more than a lot!" I didn't mean to raise my voice, but I did. And she seemed to understand me. "This is insane!"

"I know," she replied slowly. "It's more than insane. But you deserve to know."

"Yeah, well, I don't _want_ to know!" Despite everything, I was on the verge of tears. Fuck, why the hell was I about to cry? I mean, I haven't cried in years. Why now? Fuck, I'm stronger than this.

"I'm sorry," she offered in a quiet voice, her blue eyes staring into mine. And I don't know, that was enough for me. Because she looked so sad, and I can't see people cry. Especially not my Mom. I mean, she shouldn't be crying. But she was close. And that was enough for me.

"I could have a brother," I said, a tear rolling down my cheek. I mentally slapped myself for crying, and hated myself for doing so.

"I know," she answered me in a sad voice and suddenly I realized that this wasn't about me. Yeah, I could have had a brother. But my Mom would have had another son. When she walked away from John, she also walked away from having another son. And she knew that. That was strong of her, and it only made me look up to her more.

After a moment of looking at her, I spoke.

"What else did they say?"

"That I had to leave John, since a future angel didn't want me to have kids. I told them I couldn't, because it was already too late. I was already pregnant. That changed things. We didn't get much further, because the angels came then. They had their ways of fighting them, and I felt helpless. I was a good hunter, but I had no idea of how to fight angels. I had never heard of them. I thought they were stories. And suddenly there was two bad angels standing in front of me."

"So I guess angels are bad?"

"Not all of them. Dean and Sam… they had a friend. An angel. I never found out his name, but he showed up and he helped them. And after that, they left me with a warning."

"What warning?"

"Not to get out of bed on November second, 1997."

"Why?"

"I don't know," she said slowly. "No clue. But they left, and John was… not handling things well. It was not a good time to be pregnant. So when I told him… You know how he reacted. Him coming back now makes me believe that he only acted like that because he was confused."

"If you wouldn't have left him, you would have had another son. How could you walk away knowing that?"

"I wasn't happy with him. Dean and Sam had told me some stuff, and all I wanted was for my kids to grow up in a normal world. But there they were, hunters. And I didn't want that. That made it easier to walk away. And now I have Keith, and I'm happy. And you're having a brother. Or a sister. And things have worked out fine. More than fine. I'm glad I walked away. Yes, sometimes I wonder. But I don't regret it."

"I still don't understand how you did it."

"Me neither. But I already loved you, and I wanted what was best for you. And I didn't think that John was. When you have kids…"

"I'll understand?" I asked and she nodded with a smile.

"They're going to be your everything."

"Wait…" I realized something. "You've always told me that angels are watching over me."

"I wish I knew his name," she said. "He helped you. And even though I walked another path, I believe that he's out there somewhere. Watching over you."

"You know, I always thought I was named after your Mom."

She chuckled and shook her head.

"What can I say?"

I chuckled with her, but knew that I had to go somewhere to think. I needed to be alone for a while.

"I.. I'm gonna go."

"Are you okay?" she asked and I nodded.

"Yeah, I just need to think."

"I'm sorry I told you all of this," she apologized and I shook my head.

"Don't be. Now I know where I got my name," I tried to joke but she saw through me and tried to smile.

I made a move to leave the kitchen, but Mom made a move to hug me. And I hugged her back for a few seconds before I left the room and walked up the stairs.

It was dark by the time J.J came back, and I had almost fallen asleep on the bed. I never meant to, but it was tiresome to think about everything Mom had told me. I mean, it was a lot to think about. My life would have looked a lot differently if she had just stayed with John. And I felt selfish, but I liked this life. And so I felt horrible choosing this over a brother I could have had. And been close to.

I sat up when I heard the bedroom door close, the room almost pitch black. But I could see J.J's silhouette walking toward me.

"Hey," she said and I responded with one of my own.

"You okay?" I asked and I saw her nod.

"And you?"

"I don't know," I told her. "I mean, Mom told me…"

"She told me when I got back. She figured you'd talk to me. So will you?"

"I don't know," I said again. With a sigh this time.

I heard something land on the floor, and when J.J slowly straddled me I realized it was the hockey jacket she had been wearing all day. She was only wearing her jeans and a tank top, and I placed my hands on her ass to pull her closer to me. Locking her arms around my neck, I saw her face lean in closer to mine and I felt her soft lips against mine after a short hesitation from her. I kissed her back, sucking on her lower lip as she sucked on my upper. After a long moment, probably twenty minutes, of sitting like that, our kisses slow and gentle, I moved one of my hands from cupping her ass to cupping her face, pulling her even closer to me.

Breaking the kiss, she leaned out a little bit and pulled her tank top over her head. Before she could kiss me again, I traced my lips over her throat. I know she loved it, and as I kissed her throat she gently bit my earlobe.

Despite the fact that I wasn't in the mood, I could feel a growing hard-on. And since J.J was sitting so close to me, she could feel it as well.

"You're not okay," she stated softly as my lips had moved to her breasts, sucking on them and hating the fabric of her bra for being in the way.

"I'm fine," I argued, my hands working on unclasping her bra. Succeeding, I quickly grabbed it and tossed it on the floor somewhere. Without saying a word, my right hand yet again found her ass as my left hand grabbed her left breast, kneading it just the way I knew she liked. I captured her right nipple with my mouth, sucking on it before I gently took a nibble at it.

"Dean," she moaned quietly. "We shouldn't… You're not… okay."

Despite her words, she seemed to give in. Still sucking on her nipple, her hands found my face and turned it to hers, her lips founding mine again with a soft moan. She leaned us backward, with me landing on my back against the soft bed. Still kissing her, I rolled us over, my hands tracing over her body.


	16. Trips and new years

**Okay, so this chapter is from JJ's POV. I wanted some conversations between her and her brother, and considering they're from sweden, it wouldn't make sense if they talked english to each other when they were alone. So yes, a chapter from JJ's POV. And it's not the last one. As you might have already figured out, they're in sweden in this chapter, and I hope that you'll enjoy it. Leave me some reviews, okay? **

* * *

><p>"Calm down," Dean said when we got our bags at the airport.<p>

"I can't," I breathed, my heart beating hard against my chest. How could I be calm? I hadn't seen my brother in almost two and a half years, and I knew I would see him in just a few minutes. He would stand at the airport, waiting. And I was nervous. I hadn't been this nervous in years. I wasn't even this nervous before I walked up on stage in the talent show.

Dean laughed as I took a deep breath, trying my best to calm down. It didn't work.

"Just… don't stare," I warned as I let go of his hand. I hadn't told my brother about the two of us yet. I wanted him to have an impression about Dean first. I wanted him to tell me what he thought of him before I said anything.

"At what?" he asked, and I was about to answer him when my eyes saw a familiar tall, lanky man standing in the terminal.

He quickly noticed us. I mean, there wasn't that many people on the plane, and the three of us was almost alone in the whole airport. It was late, a small airport, and I knew this would be the case.

I stopped where I was to get a better look of him.

He looked almost exactly the same as the last time I had seen him. He was wearing a thicker sweater, a pair of jeans and sneakers. He was crazy, but he had always been just that. It must be freezing outside, but he was used to it. He's always under dressed. That's just the way he is.

His hair was still the same deep, chocolate color it had always been, and his eye was looking at us where Dean and I stood.

Yes, _eye._

The reason I had told Dean not to stare.

Daniel lost one eye after an accident a few years ago. He used to wear an eye patch, but he stopped a while ago. Figured he didn't need it anymore. People could stare all they wanted. He didn't care.

I saw him smile, and I dropped my bag on the floor to walk up to him. It was more like running actually. I wasn't nervous anymore. This was my brother, and I shouldn't be nervous. He's family. And despite all the miles we had between us, we're close.

Meeting him with a smile of my own, I hugged him. Hard, and for a long time.

"Det var ett tag sen. (It's been a while)," he joked, and I laughed. That was an understatement.

Letting go a moment later, I took a step back and noticed Dean standing beside me. Bags and all.

"Det här är Dean, som jag berättade om. (This is Dean, the one I told you about). And Dean, this is my brother."

Reaching their hands out, they said hello and shook each others hands. From the expression on my brother, he already knew exactly what kind of person Dean was. And I wanted to know what he thought of him. It would have to wait, I guessed.

Taking my bag again, we all walked out of the airport and was met by the freezing weather. Yeah, my brother was definitely under dressed. I was wearing two pair of leggins, a pair of sweatpants and a thick jacket, and still I was cold.

Dean and I took our seats in the backseat. I could sit up front, but I didn't want Dean to sit all alone. It's a long drive. Almost one and a half hours normally. But it was a lot of snow, and ice, so it would probably take two and a half hours. We wouldn't be home before midnight.

We talked on the way, in English so that Dean would understand as well. My brother tossed in a few words in Swedish sometimes, asking me something. But it was mostly in English.

"Max?" he asked and I felt my stomach growling. It was heard, as well. My brother laughed, and took a right turn.

"You want food?" I turned to Dean, asking him under my breath as my brother ordered what he wanted.

"Sure," he nodded. Stupid question. Dean always wants food.

"Vad vill ni ha? (What do you want?)" my brother asked and I didn't hesitate when I ordered.

"Fyra Maxmål, två cola, och två green and garlics. (Four Maxmeals, two cokes, and two green and garlics.)"

I was hungry, so I could easily eat two burgers. And I had missed the taste of Max' hamburgers. So much better than McDonald's. McDonald's and Burger King is crap compared to Max.

I ordered four burgers because I knew that Dean could eat two even if he wasn't hungry.

A few minutes later, we were on the road again. This time eating.

I had missed the taste of these burgers. They are better than anything else in the world. And Dean seemed to like them too. And the dip I ordered with it. He likes garlic just as much as I do, so I wasn't surprised.

We had been in the car for almost two hours when suddenly a deer jumped out in front of the car, and Daniel tried to hit the breaks in time. He was driving slowly, but there wasn't any time.

Daniel looked at me through the rear view mirror, and I knew what he was asking so I nodded. After that, he opened the car door and headed out toward the deer to check on it. It was probably dead.

"You okay?" Dean asked, taking my hand.

"I'm fine," I lied. Yeah, this wasn't a car accident in that sense, but it still reminded me of that day. How could it not?

"No, you're not," he saw through me and I sighed. There was no need to lie to him. He knew me too well to know when I was telling the truth or not.

"I'll be fine," I corrected myself and he smiled weakly. "C'mon."

I opened the car door and dragged Dean out with me. I wanted to see what was happening.

My brother was standing a few feet away from the deer, talking on the phone with someone. Probably the police.

Looking at the deer, I could see that it was still breathing. It was dark outside, but I could still see the shallow breaths it was taking. It was most definitely in pain, and I hated that. I knew that my brother did as well.

"Who is he talking to?" Dean asked and I looked at him.

"The police. There's a law saying that you have to report every roadkill. Not many do, because not many knows about the law."

I didn't have the time to say anything else before my brother hung up, and walked up to the car again.

"Vad sa dom? (What did they say?)" I asked and he looked at me as he opened the trunk of the car.

"Det tar över en timme för vildvårdarna att komma hit. (It's going take over an hour for the wild animal service to get here.)"

And with that said he pulled out the rifle he had in the trunk. I knew what he was going to do. He knew that the deer would die a painful death, waiting for the wild animal service to get here. It was better if he killed it himself, and took out its misery. He had probably already told the police.

Dean understood what would happen, so he grabbed my hand and pulled me back into the car. He didn't want me to see it. And to be honest, I didn't want to see it.

"What happened to his eye?" he asked, distracting me. And it worked.

"A few years ago, he was at a bar. A guy pushed forward in the line outside, and my brother told him to step back. Calmly. But the guy was already drunk, and so he threw a bear bottle at him. Straight in his eyes."

"Ouch," he said and I nodded when I heard two shots and I jumped. Dean squeezed my hand, and pulled me closer to him. One of his arms wrapped around my shoulder, and I leaned into his side.

We sat like that for a long time before another car pulled to a stop in front of the one we were in, and I quickly saw that it was a police car.

My brother had come back into the car after shooting the deer, and so now he walked back out to talk to the police. It didn't take long, and thirty minutes later he pulled up in front of his house.

I had forgotten how big it was, but I didn't have a long time to think about it before Sara came to the front door. After giving her a hug, liking the feeling of her baby bump, I introduced Dean to her. And not long after that, we went to bed. It was late, and we all needed the sleep. Especially Dean and I. We had been flying for almost twenty hours, and we hadn't been sleeping anything. So we were both tired.

Sara showed us into a room with two beds. I can't say I blamed them for placing two beds in the guest room. After all, I hadn't told them that Dean and I were together.

Dean fell asleep quickly, but I can't say it was as easy for me. After an hour, I was still awake and figured I could just go up and do something. So I pulled on Dean's hoodie, stepped into my sweatpants and silently walked out of the room.

The house was black, and I decided I wanted to go outside. See the horses. So I pulled on a pair of shoes, and almost jumped when I opened the front door and saw my brother outside. I thought everyone was sleeping.

"Du borde sluta med det där (You should quit that)," I said and nodded toward the cigarette in his hand.

"Det lugnar nerverna (It calms my nerves)," he stated simply and I shrugged. I wouldn't know. I had never tried.

He asked me what I was doing awake, and I told him I couldn't sleep. And figured I would go out and see the horses. He knew I mostly meant Cassius. She was my favorite, and sort of mine. Whenever I was here that is.

He warned me though. She had just given birth, and I knew how she was as a new mother. Overprotective. Like she should be.

He also told me that they were expecting two more foals this week, and that's why he was awake. He had been checking on them.

"Han är en bra kille. (He's a good guy.)" The words were sudden, but I knew he was talking about Dean.

I felt myself smiling as he continued.

"Envis. Säker I sig själv. Bra för dig. När hade du tänkt berätta? (Stubborn. Sure of himself. He's good for you. When were you planning on telling us?)"

I wasn't surprised that he had it figured out.

"Imorgon. (Tomorrow.)"

He asked me how long we had been together, and I answered since Dad's funeral. Almost three months.

"Jag borde ha varit där. (I should have been there.)"

"Han var inte din pappa. (He wasn't your Dad.)

"Jag vet. (I know.)"

With those words, I knew he didn't mean Dad's funeral. He meant Mom's. And Julia's. And Dad's too, but mostly Mom's and Julia's.

I told him I didn't blame him for it. They weren't close. They had never been close. Not since we moved to Vermont. Daniel was only ten, and he thought of it as Mom choosing my Dad over him. He knew better now, but they had still never been close. And I knew he regretted that. But I wanted him to know that I wasn't blaming him. He lived his own life here in Sweden, and I couldn't expect him to go all the way to Vermont for a funeral.

We talked some more before he had to go inside, and I walked toward the stable. It didn't take me long to find Cassius. She was completely white, with a small black dot right next to one of her hooves. She was beautiful.

"Hey, girl," I whispered softly as I entered her box and she let out a grunt, making me laugh. I noticed the small foal next to her, sleeping on the ground and I smiled. He was just as beautiful as his mother, not much older than a few weeks.

"You did good, didn't you?" I murmured and smiled when she moved her head, almost like if she was nodding at me.

I was quiet for a moment when I traced my hand over her body. She recognized me, and wasn't overprotective. She knew I wouldn't do anything to her baby. She knew me as much as I knew her.

Suddenly I felt myself crying, and I didn't fight it. I knew that it would be hard coming to Sweden. Seeing my brother. I had never been here without Mom and Julia. And I missed them. So much.

And it was worse now, because this was Mom's home. This is the town where she grew up. This is where her parents lived. And I could feel her. I hadn't felt her for almost a year, but I could now. She was here, with me. With us. And that made this so much harder.

When all of my tears were over, I slid down on the ground and fell asleep right there.

* * *

><p>Biting into my lower lip not to make a sound, my nails dug into Dean's chest and his hands pulled me down closer to him. When I came back down from my orgasm, I stepped off Dean only to lay down next to his side. He was still on his back, and his arm came around me to pull me closer to him while we were still trying to catch our breaths. One of my arms wrapped around his torso, and I rested my head against his shoulder as I pressed myself against him.<p>

I really liked being naked with Dean – actually I loved it. It's weird, because I usually wasn't comfortable being naked. Not even when it was just me. But now, with Dean, it was like the most natural thing in the world. I loved the way I could feel his muscles, and every little movement he made. I loved how I could feel his breathings, and his warm skin against mine. And the way he both accepted and respected me. The way he made me feel sexy by just one glance.

As my breath came back down to normal, I watched his chest heave up and down and noticed red marks after my nails. I let my hand trace over them gently, wishing for them to go away.

"That must have hurt…" I whispered and I heard a gentle chuckle. "What?"

"It's the opposite," he clarified, and I wasn't sure I believed him. I could feel his free arm trace along my side, and then suddenly my leg was wrapped around his lower waist. His hand rested on my thigh, and I felt myself smiling against his skin.

It was the morning of Christmas Eve, and we had been in Sweden for two days now. The only family members I had met yet was my brother, but I would meet the rest today. They would all come over around noon, to celebrate Christmas. I knew it would be weird for Dean to celebrate Christmas today, but it's the way we do it in Sweden. Dean and I had already agreed though that we wouldn't open our presents until tomorrow. I would give him his, and then Liam and Jenna had sent something with us that was for the both of us. I had no idea of what it was, but I wanted to know. Dean and I had actually almost opened it yesterday. Both Liam and Jenna could be quite evil when it comes to gifts, so them buying something together, for the both of us… That could only end with something mean. And it probably had something to do with sex.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked after a short moment of silence.

"You. Me. Us. The things you did to me last night…" I saw his grin and it caused me to chuckle. "What time is it?"

I lifted my head a little bit to watch the clock sitting on the wall.

"Seven thirty," I answered him with a smile and then lay my head back against his shoulder. My hand was above his heart, and I could feel its steady beats. It was comforting, and it made me relax. But I wasn't tired. Not yet.

"Just to inform you, those eight hours were the best of my life."

"Oh, really?" I asked as I got up on my elbow so that I could watch him properly. I could see him opening his eyes, and they met mine.

"Definitely."

"And yet we only managed to have sex twice."

We might have only had sex twice during the last eight hours, but we had been working for it for eight hours. Or maybe I should say, driving each other crazy.

Just our frigging foreplay lasted for three hours, compared to our usual… twenty minutes? Our longest foreplay had been almost forty minutes, and the shortest had been like five. Now it was three frigging hours, and I can't say I wasn't impressed. There were so many times during those hours that I thought Dean was going to burst. That hard-on somehow managed to keep growing and growing, and I don't know how he manged to keep it all inside for so long. After almost three hours of making out, his hand finally reached down between my legs. I had to _beg_ for him to go underneath my panties, which is probably exactly what he wanted me to do, but even before then I was so close to climaxing. So I can't say I was surprised when he didn't last for long after I put my hand in his boxers.

After that, we just kept going. And going.

"Still the best eight hours of my life. And I have to say you impressed me."

"Then I will have to throw my legs behind my head more often," I joked and he grinned.

In just a short second, Dean rolled us over in a swift movement and I laughed as I landed on my back with him above me. My arms locked around him as my legs did the same, and I felt one of his hands grab my ass.

"You should definitely do that," he stated in a murmured voice as his lips came closer to mine, and then they touched.

I started to suck on his lower lip, but the kiss didn't last for long before I heard his stomach growl. And just a second after that, it was my turn.

With both of us laughing, we agreed we should just go get some breakfast. We would have to go up soon anyway if we wanted to shower before we had to help out with all the food, and then everybody would be here.

I quickly found a new bra and a pair of panties in my bag before I pulled on Dean's t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. Dean managed to be done just a second before I was, but he started to laugh and I asked why. He told me to take a look in a mirror.

And when I did I saw that my hair was much more than a mess, so I put it in a tail and then I opened the door. Dean snatched my hand as we walked through the house to get to the kitchen, and I gladly squeezed his hand back.

Dean and I found my brother and Sara in the kitchen, and when they noticed us Sara asked if we wanted to go out on a horse ride. Looking at Dean, I translated and I wasn't surprised when he said he would skip it. But I would get him up on a horse, one way or another. Maybe just not today.

After getting some breakfast, I got dressed properly and then I followed out into the stable to get a horse ready. Since Cassius had just given birth, I took Athena – a beautiful, black mare.

I hadn't been on a horse back in almost two years, but it was nice to be back on one. It was amazing to feel the movements of a horse underneath me as she galloped through the snow. After a moment, we all slowed down into a walking pace and let the horses walk through the deep snow as we talked. About a lot of things. About what had happened since I was here the last time, we talked about the coming baby, and we talked about me and Dean. I told them I was kinda nervous about today – meeting everyone again. Introducing them to Dean. I knew both Daniel and Sara liked him, but of course I wanted the rest to like him as well. He's my best friend, and my boyfriend. And they're family. Of course I want them to like one another.

Almost two hours after we had went out, we came back and I was working on brushing Athena when we heard it. Both Daniel and Sara dropped their things and jogged over to another box, and I followed them to Freja. It was time for her to give birth. I know it probably wouldn't take long, so when Sara ran into the house I followed her. She had to get some stuff in case they needed to help out, and I wanted to get Dean. He should see this: it's pretty incredible.

"Dean!" I called out, running through the house. I found him in front of the TV, and he wasn't ready when I grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the easy chair he was sitting in.

"What's going on?" he asked, and I told him to put on some shoes. He could see I was serious, so he didn't ask me about it.

His next question was "why are we running?"

"Trust me, you want to see this."

I pulled us into a stop when we reached the stable, and I quickly led him to the right box. None of us said anything as we watched Sara do her job. Dean wrapped his arms around me, and I leaned against his chest as I felt myself get nervous. I didn't like the look in Sara's face, and she confirmed my slight worry when she said that the foal was stuck. They would have to pull him out.

I was surprised when Daniel asked me if I wanted to help out, but I couldn't say no. Of course I wanted to help out. I just had no idea of what to do. I followed Sara's lead, and a few short moments later a white foal was out. I felt myself smiling when I saw Freja cleaning him, and I leaned against Dean again.

"That was pretty incredible. A little gross, but still incredible," Dean whispered in my ear and I pulled him closer to me as I smiled.

"I know."

I heard Daniel mumble something as he watched the foal on the ground, and we all waited patiently for the first few steps. Those were important. As the foal tried to get up, Freja tried to help out as much as she could. It was her third baby, so she knew what to do. As the foal got up, his legs shaky, he tried to take a step. But he fell down, and a low round of laughter was heard. As he tried again, he managed to walk a few steps and his legs instantly turned steadier. He would be just fine.

I saw a glance between Sara and Daniel, and then they looked at me. They told me I could pick a name.

"Vad sägs om… Apollo? (How about… Apollo?)"

"Perfekt. (Perfect.)"

* * *

><p>Since the living room was pretty much crowded, Dean and I shared one of the easy chairs in the room. The kids had taken over the floor, and some people were on stools and others were sitting in the couch or standing. We we're almost thirty people in here, and it was all family. And it was wonderful to see them again.<p>

Dean had already told me he had no idea that my family was this big, and I told him that not even everyone was here. Almost fifteen people were missing. And this was only my mothers side, and then of course Sara's parents and sister. But yeah, we're a big family.

After making sure Freja and Apollo were both okay, we had went inside the house again. Dean and I had taken a shower, and then helped out with the food before people started to come over. Sara had checked on the new foal and the new mother once every other just to make sure everything was perfect, and it was.

We had recently eaten, and now we were watching TV. It was a swedish tradition to watch Kalle Anka (Donald Duck) and there was probably very few families right now that wasn't watching it. It's a show that's been airing since the fifties, and it consists of short clips from Disney cartoons.

I knew Dean didn't understand this tradition at all, but he was just as quiet as every one else. It was a serious tradition, and no one said anything. We all must have watched this a dozen of times, and I knew most of the lines, but we all still watched it. It was tradition after all. It's weird and all, but Sweden is pretty much closed off between 3-4 am on December 24th.

When it was over, it was time for gifts. Like always. Within the family, we always had a Santa Claus for the younger kids. Even though I missed my parents, and Julia, and being in our cabin, this was something I had missed too. Seeing the awe on the kids as Santa - aka Sara's sister's boyfriend - walked through the doors with a bag over his shoulder. It was just a few gifts in the bag, and the rest were under the Christmas tree. I knew that as soon as Santa was gone, I would probably be the one to handle the gifts. Handing them out. Dean and I had already agreed on opening our gifts tomorrow, since they were from home and home we celebrate Christmas on the 25th. But I knew I had some gifts from my family, and I would open them today.

I was wearing my pair of tight, red jeans and when I left Dean's lap I could feel his eyes on me. I laughed to myself because I knew exactly what he was watching, and because he had the guts to stare at my ass in front of my entire family.

It took almost an hour before all the gifts were handed out, and then we could start the opening of them. I had three gifts, since not many knew I would come here over Christmas. But it didn't matter. It's not something I care about.

A few hours later people had gone home, and left was just me, Dean, Daniel, Sara, Sanna – Sara's sister -, Sanna's boyfriend, Daniel's Dad and his wife, and then there was my grandparents and my aunt.

"Thanks," Dean said, a little surprised when Daniel handed him a beer and I smiled. We might only be seventeen, but Daniel had always been cool with that kind of stuff. I turned mine down as I pulled my legs up and leaned back in the couch. Dean was in the easy chair beside me, and we were close enough to touch.

"So what do you think about Sweden?" Sanna asked, and Dean chuckled.

"I can't say J.J didn't warn me about the cold," he said and I felt myself laughing with him. "But other than that, it's pretty cool. I wouldn't mind coming back some time, and the language is kinda sexy."

I wasn't alone when I laughed this time, and my brother shook his head.

"That's something you've got wrong though. But, if J.J comes back home some time, you're welcome to come with her."

"What do you mean _if_? I'll be back this summer to check on my niece or nephew" I stated, staring at him and he laughed again.

"_When_," he corrected himself and I rolled my eyes, smiling.

"Better."

We continued to talk, and after a moment Dean excused himself. As soon as he was out of the room, I looked at everyone. I had to ask something.

"Jag måste fråga… Vad tycker ni? (I have to ask… What do you think?)"

"Om honom, eller om er? (About him, or you?)" My aunt asked and I shrugged.

"Båda. (Both.)"

I already knew what Daniel and Sara thought about Dean, and us as a couple. I knew they liked him, and I knew Daniel thought we were good for each other. It's not like I would break up with Dean if they all hated him, but their opinion still meant a lot to me.

They all seemed to agree though that he was a good guy, and that we were cute together.

"Killar med hans utseende brukar ha en sak gemensamt. (Guys with his looks usually have something in common.)"

"Vadå för något? (What's that?)" I asked my grandmother and she winked.

"Dom är bra I sängen. (They're good in bed.)"

My grandmother was only seventeen when she had my mother, and Mom was still young when she had me so my grandparents weren't old in any sense. But I can't believe she just said that. And did she even have the experience? As far as I knew, the only guy she'd ever been with was her husband – my grandfather. Not that I ever wanted to think of that again.

"Jag tänker låtsas att jag inte hörde det där. (I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.)"

Everyone laughed at my words, and that's when Dean came back into the room. I felt myself blushing when I saw all the girls in the room watching him with a grin, and I stood up.

Walking into the kitchen, I felt Dean following me. He had finished his beer, so I took one from the fridge and handed it to him after I opened it and took a quick zip from it.

"Why were you blushing in there?" he chuckled as I took a glass of water, and I rolled my eyes. Of course he noticed.

"My grandmother might have mentioned how guys looking as good as you are often good in bed," I said and felt myself blushing again as Dean laughed.

"Well, she was right. I am good looking, and I am good in bed."

"No, you're not," I stated and looked him in the eyes. He was much more than that.

"Then what am I?" he asked, a teasing smile on his lips.

"That's not the point."

"Then what is?" he murmured, walking closer to me. My back was leaning against the counter, and Dean placed both of his hands on either of my side. He leaned down just a little closer, and as he bit his lip I forgot completely what I was going to say.

As I swallowed hard he laughed quietly.

"What was your point?" he asked again, his voice a soft murmur, as I stared into his green eyes.

And my mind went blank yet again.

"I don't know," I confessed and he laughed as he took a step backward.

What he did to me, and how easily, was crazy. Insane. But I loved it.

He turned serious as he took his beer again.

"Can I ask something?"

"Anything," I answered as I jumped up on the counter and swung my legs back and forward where I was sitting.

"Why did you stop drinking? I mean, you didn't drink much, but at least you were drinking at parties. You could get drunk. Now? The most you've been drinking was the Bacardi we drank the night I told you I love you."

He was right. I used to drink. I could get drunk at parties. Dean and I could sneak home drunk together. I had never been drunk enough to pass out, but I had been drunk. Several times. But it changed with the accident. I was scared, I guess. I was scared that if I drank, I wouldn't be able to stop. So I didn't drink for a year. The first night I drank after the accident was when Dad was back in a coma, and Dean told me he loved me. After not drinking for so long, I didn't enjoy the taste anymore. And even though I knew it wouldn't happen, I was still scared. Scared of not being able to stop. Scared of drinking up my life. I had seen it happen to too many people not to be scared.

And I told Dean all of this.

"I might drink myself drunk once in a while," Dean said and walked up to me, placing his hands on the side of my thighs. His eyes penetrated mine, and it was easy to hear how serious he was. "And I might enjoy the taste of alcohol. But I would never, _ever_ have let you drink your life away, Freckles."

"I know, Dean. And I love you for that," I whispered and placed one of my hands on the side of his face, my fingers twisting with his thick hair.

"I love you too."

* * *

><p>"I'm not surprised," I said, looking at the book on the bed. Looking at Liam and Jenna's gift for me and Dean. A book consisting of around 100 sexual positions, and tips, tricks and challenges. I knew they had laughed when they bought it, and they would probably laugh thinking about us opening it. And then asking us about it when we get home.<p>

"The worst is that they know we're going to use it," Dean added and I chuckled.

"You think we're going to use it?" I asked seriously, grinning on the inside.

"J.J, that's _one hundred_ different positions to have sex in. We've used six of those. Of course we're going to use it."

I laughed again, turning my head to place a kiss on his lips.

"As long as I get to read it first," I said, and he glared at me. I glared back. After a long moment of having a glaring competition, we both gave up. We knew we could keep it up for a long time.

"Fine. Now move that perfect ass of yours," he grinned and I chuckled as I moved from his lap and sat down in the bed. I watched Dean as he leaned over the bed, wearing nothing but his black boxers. He had no idea of how sexy he was in this moment. As he leaned back up, he had two boxes in his hands.

"That's from Mom and Keith," he said and handed me a small box. Then he handed me a bigger one. "And that's from me."

"Dean…" I protested but he cut me off.

"Shut up. It's already too late. But don't worry, I got you something for New Years Eve as well," he grinned and I shook my head in disapproval. I knew there was no use in arguing. He had already bought me whatever it was, and he wouldn't give in.

I leaned down over the bed to my bag, searched through it and took out his two gifts. One box, and one envelope.

"That's from me," I said and gave him the envelope. "And the box is from your Mom."

"I should have guessed," Dean sighed. "Of course she wouldn't settle with giving me the trip to Sweden, even though she can't afford it."

I chuckled and took the smaller box to open it. It held a bracelet, and it was beautiful.

"It looks good on you," Dean said as he helped me put it on, and I smiled. I loved it.

"Okay, so what's this?" I muttered as I took the other box, and opened it. Only to find lingerie. I can't say I was surprised. It was sexy, but it somehow managed to look comfortable.

Dean knew I hated thongs, so he hadn't got me a thong. But the blood red material wasn't a full hipster either. It was half hipster, half thong – a so called "cheeky". It was a matching set, so both the panties and the bra had lace. Looking at the size, I noticed that he had it right.

"So how did you find out my size?" I wondered as I pulled the oversized t-shirt over my head.

"I have my sources," he answered me, watching as I reached my hands behind my back and unclasped my bra. As I took it off, I chuckled as his eyes stayed on my breasts. He swallowed as I took the new bra, unclasped it and then put it on. The clasp on the bra was in the front, and I really liked it. It was comfortable, and it was a perfect size.

His disappointed look only lasted for a second, so I figured that he liked the way I looked in the new bra.

"Like what you see?"

"When I was in the store, I imagined how you would look in the bra. In the color."

"And?"

"I never could have guessed that you'd look this sexy."

I laughed as I pulled the t-shirt over my head again and Dean's mouth turned into a pout. I tossed a pillow at him, and then I told him to open his gift.

He started with mine, and I smiled as I saw his eyes widen.

"Are you _kidding_ me?"

"No," I smiled and shook my head.

"So you actually got me an hour at a racing track, in a NASCAR car?"

"Yep."

I laughed as I watched him take it in - watched him realize that he would drive a real racing car.

"I love you," he blurted out and I laughed.

"I love you too."

His eyes returned to the gift card in his hands, and I laughed again as I smiled. I loved that he liked it.

After staring at it for a short moment, he grinned and put it aside before he grabbed the box from his Mom. And then I watched his smile fall as he opened it, and I asked him about it.

Staring into the box, a wider smile grew on his lips and I _really_ wanted to know what was in there.

"What's in there? You know I'm curious," I said and he chuckled softly as he placed his hand in the box. And when it came back out, he was holding a tiny, pink sock.

We knew what that meant. He was getting a baby sister.

"You're getting a sister?" I asked, my voice a whisper.

"Apparently," he chuckled and I moved so that I was straddling him. Through that smile of his, I could see nervousness. I could see that he was scared. I knew he was excited about the baby, but I don't think he gave much thought to it. Not yet. But now he was forced to.

"You," I said as I stared into his eyes and grabbed his face, "are going to be one fantastic brother."

"You think so?"

"No," I shook my head. "I'm sure of it."

"It's not like… I never even thought of getting a sister. What do I do? What do I teach her, and how do I protect her? How…" He was trying to hide it, but he was desperate for answers. So I leaned my forehead against his and placed a finger over his lips to make him shut up. His eyes looked deep into mine, and I smiled.

"It will come, trust me. You teach her everything you know, and everything she wants to know. You protect her by being there, and by telling her that you'll _always_ be there. She will feel like the safest girl in the world with you around."

"What makes you think that?"

"Because you just have to look at me to make me feel safe. To make me feel like nothing could ever happen to me. Like everything is right in the world. When you came to the hospital, after the accident… When you looked at me, everything felt okay. Even for just a short second. You spread this feeling of safety, and warmth, whereever you go, and you always have. And you probably always will. I hope so at least."

"You told me that I always say the right things, always make you feel better. It's the same thing with you."

Leaning in, I placed a chaste kiss on his lips and I smiled when his lips lingered on mine for a few seconds.

"Go call your Mom. And tell her I said "thanks" for the bracelet."

* * *

><p>"What did you get me?" I asked, and he laughed as he took out a small box from one of his pockets. I took it from him and he laughed again.<p>

"Don't get too excited."

"I'm not," I lied. He always managed to get me something I really wanted. And I had no doubt that he would get me something I would love.

So I as I opened the box, I wasn't disappointed. In it was a silver necklace, a pendant hanging on it. But it wasn't any pendant. In a beautiful writing, his name was written.

"I love it," I smiled.

"You mentioned once that you wanted one," he said matter of factly and took the necklace from my hands only to lock it around my neck. I smiled as I felt it and I was just about to thank him when he talked.

"That wasn't the whole thing."

"What more is there?" I asked and he gave me another box. Opening it, I found another silver necklace. But the chain was thicker and longer, and instead of his name, my name was written.

"It's something for the both of us," he answered my questioning eyes, took the chain and locked it around his neck. The chain was long enough to go two laps around his neck, and it looked hot on him. I had never seen him use any kind of jewelry, so to see him use one with my name on it… It meant a lot to me.

"I love it," I repeated and reached up to kiss him.

Two hours later, we were outside, in each other's arms.

"You know what I learned this year?" Dean asked, warming me where we stood outside. It was almost midnight, almost a new year. Usually, I knew that my brother would go out. Hang out with friends. Get drunk. But since Sara was pregnant, and we were here, he was home. We were outside, because we were waiting for midnight. We were waiting to light the fireworks. To watch the black night sky turn colorful.

"What have you learned?" I mused, pulling Dean closer to me. My back was leaning against his chest, and even though Daniel and Sara was only a few meters away from us, I knew they couldn't hear us. They were having their own conversation, and so was Sara's sister and her boyfriend. Those four were close, so it made sense that they were here.

"That my girlfriend is crazy."

"Which one?" I teased, and he chuckled.

"Both."

"Your ex is obvious, but how about that other girlfriend? Why is she crazy?"

"There's two reasons. Yesterday, her brother made a hole in the ice and then they all jumped into the water. It was freezing."

"That could prove that you're a coward, too," I grinned and he scoffed.

"Not even Liam would jump in."

I shrugged, and he continued.

"And the other reason… She let her brother's friend tattoo her. I didn't even know she wanted a tattoo."

Yeah, I had a tattoo now. And it was actually only a few hours old, but I loved it. It wasn't anything special or anything, it was just three stars in my neck. I had always wanted something in honor of Mom, Dad and Julia, and stars made sense. So I had three of them in my neck now, and I knew I would never regret it.

"You know what I learned this year?" I changed the subject, and I felt him shaking his head. "I learned not to take everything for granted. Just everything… Mom, Dad, Julia… I took them for granted. I thought they would always be there. But then one day, they were gone. And I can't take anyone or anything for granted anymore. I can't hold back. Life is short, and I don't want to miss out on it. Any of it. Because one day, it might all be gone."

"You can't do that."

"Do what?" I asked, confused.

"Turn all serious on me. Not about that. And I'm not going anywhere, so take me for granted if you want to."

I turned around as he spoke, and I could see how serious he was. His low voice was intense, and so was his eyes. Actually, it was more than intense. There was just something about his eyes. I had seen that look so many times.

I had never seen Dean cry, except for once. When we were, what nine? And that doesn't even count. He had seen me cry a thousand times, and he had always been strong. But there was that look – the look he had now. He was trying with everything he had in him not to go weak. He wanted to be strong above everything else.

He knew my parents, he knew my sister. He might not admit it himself, but I know that my family was a second family to him. Just like Mary and Keith had always been to me. He had spent just as many nights at my place as I had at his, and when I told him that my sister was bullied he was pissed.

So seeing me like this, talking about them… I knew he wanted to be strong, and he was, but a part of him wasn't. He never showed it though, and if I didn't know him so well I wouldn't notice. But those eyes told me everything.

"You really think I'm crazy?" I asked, changing the subject again, and he smiled softly.

"Yeah, but it only makes me love you more," he murmured and I laughed when he placed a kiss on my nose. "I love you."

"I love you," I echoed him and turned around just in time to hear the twelfth strike of the clock. It was midnight. It was 2011.

Wishing each other a happy new year, I could see the two couples around us pull even closer to each other in a kiss. And I was going to do the same thing with Dean, but I had one small thing to do before that.

After taking a picture of my brother and Sara kissing, his hand on her stomach, I turned to Dean.

"You done?" he asked, and I smiled.

"I'm all yours."

Instead of answering me, he smiled and leaned down.

A lot of things had happened this year, and I knew that a lot of things would happened in the year coming. I still missed my family, and I knew that a part of me always would. I would still struggle. But everything felt pretty damn good where I was standing, kissing in the year year with Dean.


	17. Disagreements and reveals

**Well, we're back in Dean's POV. And in America. But this is one of the last chapters I have done. Well, it's this and two more. I'm working on writing the last chapter of the story right now - I've written maybe one third of it - but I'm kinda stuck because of school and I just never find the time to sit down, relax, and write. But hopefully things are gonna get better soon. **

**Let me know what you think of this chapter, okay?**

* * *

><p>"So tell me again why you want to go to school?" I asked, watching J.J walking from the bed to the closet, her ass perfect in the pair of jeans she was currently wearing.<p>

We came home yesterday, and even though school started today again Mom let us stay home. We had been up almost the entire night, talking and catching up. And Mom was huge, and she would be bigger. She was only five months pregnant and it looked like that baby would pop out any second. But there was four months left, and they hadn't done anything in my old room yet. Except for moving my old bed and the few stuff that had been in there. And they had bought some color to paint the walls. But other than that, they hadn't done anything yet.

"Because I'm bored."

"People don't go to school because they're bored," I explained and lay down on my stomach with my face toward her. "You can stay home and have sex with your boyfriend."

Even though she had the back of her head against me, I could practically see her roll her eyes and I chuckled.

"I can have sex with my boyfriend some other time."

"But what if your boyfriend really wants to have sex with you?"

"Then he can be patient and wait until tonight," she answered me when she turned around. She was holding a black tank top that she pulled over her head and then took a white cardigan that was hanging over the chair next to the desk. Pulling her damp hair into a pony tail she grabbed her glasses and put them on.

"I don't want to be patient," I pouted and she laughed at me causing me to smile. God, she was so adorable and she didn't even know it.

"C'mon, poutyhead," she grinned as she grabbed my hand and pulled me up, leading me out of the room and out of the house.

It was our last class before lunch when we came to school, and the hallways were empty. We had english, meaning my favorite teacher.

"Dean and Jennie, how nice of you to join us," he said as he saw us walking through the door, and every head in the classroom turned toward us. But something was wrong. Jenna and Liam always sat beside each other, but now they were on each side of the classroom. "We were just talking about our futures. Miss Walker, what does your future look like?"

She dropped my hand, nodded toward the empty seat beside Jenna and then walked over there. I took the empty seat behind Liam.

"How I want my future to look like? A steady job, a steady economy, and hopefully a family."

"And this future steady job, how does that look like?"

"A photographer, most preferably a wildlife photographer."

"And this perfect boyfriend/husband, what's he like?"

"Isn't that different for everyone?" she asked, and a round of laughter went through the room.

"I suppose so, but for you?"

She laughed softly before she answered with a sigh.

"Someone I can be myself around, someone who understand me, who listens to me. Someone who loves me for who I am, and not someone they think I am. Someone who can make me laugh with a single word or a single look. Someone who says everything even though not a single word leaves their mouth. Someone I can spend the rest of my life with, and someone who's my best friend."

"And looks?"

"That's never been something I care about."

"Do you think you'll find this guy someday?" he asked then and I saw her smile before she looked at me.

"I think I already have."

I felt myself return her smile, and for a second the moment was perfect. Then Olivia had to ruin it all.

"Oh _please_, do you really think he listens to you, talks to you like he's interested? If I remember correctly, we were together for a year and we never had a conversation deeper than talking about the weather."

"The thought never occurred to you that maybe I never _wanted_ to talk to you?" I snapped back, and she stared at me with wide eyes as the rest of the classroom was so silent you could hear a pin drop to the floor. "Just maybe I had someone else on the side that would actually mean it when she asked how my day had been, or really wanted to know if I felt like eating at her place or at mine? That maybe I had someone who cared about me as much as I cared about her, and that that person wasn't you?"

"Are you saying that you were sleeping with her when we were together?"

"Really Olivia, you're bringing that up again?" J.J joined the conversation, and Olivia rolled her eyes.

"We all know it's true."

"Screw you," I told her as I clenched my teeth together.

"Like you've never done that before."

_Don't hit a girl, don't hit a girl, don't hit a girl._

"Do you want me to kick your ass again?"

"Okay, let's just end this conversation right here!" J.J was cut off by our teacher and I was surprised he hadn't interrupted us before. "I'll see you all tomorrow, and don't bring that kind of language with you."

I was about to wait for J.J but I saw Jenna dragging her out of the classroom so I turned to Liam and walked next to him to out lockers.

"Nice to be back?"

"Not really," I laughed but then turned serious. "What's up with you and Jenna?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, and the lie was obvious.

"You were on different sides of the classroom?"

"There was no seats next to each other."

"You're such a bad liar, Li."

"Fine," he said and tossed his books into his locker. "We had a disagreement."

"You mean a fight?"

"No, a _disagreement_."

"If that disagreement means that you're not talking, it was a fight."

"She told me this thing, and I told her one thing and it led to us not agreeing on something."

"On what?"

"I'm not telling you in here," he answered when we walked into the cafeteria. I was just about to ask him about it when J.J walked up to us, and hit Liam in the back of his head.

"Asshole."

"That hurt!"

"I don't care. Fix things, _now_."

"Wait, did you know?"

"I've known for four months. Now go fix it."

"Fix what?" I asked but they didn't hear be over their glaring. J.J won though and with a sigh Liam walked over to the table where Jenna already sat.

J.J led us to another table and I looked at her. She knew what I was asking. I was confused.

"Spit it out."

"What have you known for four months that Liam hasn't and what does he have to fix?"

"I don't think I'm supposed to tell you."

"Oh come on, who will I tell?"

She looked at me for a long moment before she took out her phone from her pocket, wrote something and then placed her phone on the table. Right then I felt mine vibrating. So it was a big secret that no one was supposed to know about?

"A-a-are you kidding me?" I asked when I saw the text, staring at J.J. I couldn't believe this. Was it really true?

J.J shook her head. "I told Jenna to tell Liam, but she was scared. She didn't know how he would react, but yesterday she told him. He was chocked, but he took it okay."

"Then what are they fighting about?"

"About telling our parents."

The voice belonged to Jenna and I looked up. She and Liam took a seat at our table, and I looked at her.

"Are you really…?"

"Yep."

"How did you find out?"

"It was pretty obvious when I fell in love with a chick."

"So you've been secretly dating a girl for four months?"

"Yep," she answered again and I found myself nodding. I don't know why, but I was.

"Wow," I breathed and I heard a laughter. "What?"

"You and Liam are just freakishly alike."

"Shut up," Liam and I said in unison and both of the girls laughed.

* * *

><p>"What are you doing?" I wondered as I came out from the bathroom, a towel around my waist. J.J was sitting at the desk, thirty or so pictures in front of her.<p>

"A collage."

"Why?"

"Because," she answered and I rolled my eyes as I walked up to her, leaned down and wrapped my arms around her. She had a huge picture frame in front of her, cutting out pictures and placing them inside the frame. There was pictures of her parents, of Julia, our friends and of us. But there was a piece missing in the middle.

"What goes there?"

"You'll see," she murmured and I could see her smug smile.

"When?"

"In a few days when I get the picture."

"Ugh, you're boring," I said and heard her laugh as I walked away from her, dropped the towel and found a pair of boxers that I put on.

"Oh, am I?"

"Mhm, totally."

"Why is that?"

"Because you won't tell me stuff."

"It's a surprise, and if I told you it wouldn't be a surprise anymore."

"If you tell me, I can drop the boxers again."

"Baby," she answered me as she stood up and walked up to me. Her arms snaked around my waist, her hands running down my back. "I can take them off myself."

As she spoke her fingers dug into my skin and went down under the edge of my boxers and then I felt her hands running over my skin until she grabbed my ass.

"Then why won't you?"

"Because you look damn sexy in black."

"And you look damn sexy in that tank top and those shorts," I told her and placed my hands on her ass, pushing her closer to me. "You would look sexier without them though."

"Oh really?" she asked, let go of my ass and took a step away from me. Then she winked before she pulled her tank top over her head and I could see the perfect roundness of her breasts. I cursed her bra for covering her boobs, and I grabbed her wrist to pull her to me in a kiss. I skipped the soft kiss, and instead of sucking on her lip I darted my tongue into her mouth right away.

I mentally thanked both Mom and Keith for working tonight, and then pulled J.J even closer to me. My hands traced over her arms to her chest to her bra, and then I groped her boobs. My fingers went under the edge of her bra, pulling it up so that I could let my lips surround her right nipple. I sucked on it as one of her arms locked around my neck, pulling my face closer to her and her other hand went down under my boxers again. I let my teeth take a nibble on her soft, slowly erecting nipple and I heard her moan into my ear.

Suddenly my back hit the wall, J.J's hand grabbed my cock and I could feel my erection growing under her hand. She was sucking on the side of my throat as her hand caressed my length. Her movements were so slow, and it was killing me. She_knew_ I wanted her to go faster. She knew what I wanted her to do.

"Jennie…" I groaned against her breast and she pulled my head up with her free hand.

"Say it," she murmured against my lips and I swallowed hard.

"Please…"

"Say it," she repeated before she bit my lower lip and I groaned again.

"Fast…" I swallowed again. "Faster."

I could feel her smiling against my lips before she kissed me, and then both of her hands were pulling my boxers down. I was fully erected by now, and J.J knew she would drive me crazy if she didn't do anything.

All of a sudden her lips left mine and I knew what she would do even before she bent down on her knees, and I moaned loudly when she took me in her mouth. She hadn't done this many times, but her tongue could do miracles to me. I could feel my knees go weak before I came, and I was surprised when she didn't pull away. She had swallowed before, but I knew she wasn't the biggest fan of the taste. But she still swallowed, and then her face was back in my height.

"Your turn," she whispered as she bit her lip.

"Oh, really?" I asked before pulling her closer to me and then I lifted her up in my arms only to sit her back down on the desk. Before she had the chance to react, I pulled her shorts and panties off and then I was the one on my knees. I wasn't new to this anymore, and I knew how she worked. I knew what would drive her crazy. I knew what would make her beg. So when I dug in, I didn't go directly on her clit. My hands grabbed her ass, pulling her closer to my face and I basked in the feeling of her wetness. I let my tongue swirl around her clit, but never directly on it and when she moaned it was in the form of my name. And her voice was pleading. That's when I remembered a trick I read in the book we got from Liam and Jenna for christmas. Oh god, this would be good.

When her legs clamped together around me like they always do when she's about to reach her orgasm, I stopped.

"Dean," she pleaded. "Please don't stop."

"Trust me, Freckles," I answered her leaning out a little bit so that I could meet her eyes. They were slightly unfocused, but I could see the confusion. "Just trust me."

When thirty seconds had passed, I dug in again. I still wouldn't go for her clit, and I knew it was killing her. But when she was close to her orgasm again, I stopped. This time I waited for twenty seconds. And then I did the same again, waiting for ten seconds before my tongue returned to where it wanted to be. And this time I didn't ignore the area she wanted me to be. Sucking on her clit, I was growing hard again. J.J's legs were around me and she locked them as hard around me as she could when she orgasmed. The orgasm lasted for longer than they usually did, and from the sound that escaped her lips it was more intense than ever. After licking her juices up I kissed my way up to her panting lips, and locked gazes with her.

"I need you," she whispered, her voice almost breaking.

"Where?"

"You know where," she almost snapped back and I held my laughter inside.

"Oh no, you have to say it."

"Inside me. _Now_," she growled and I grinned. I needed to be inside of her, so yeah, this was good. Her legs were locked around my waist, and I carried her over to the bed where I lay down above her. I didn't hesitate for a second when I pushed inside her, and her legs locked around my torso, her calves pulling me deeper inside of her with every thrust.

"Why are you still wearing that fucking bra?" I asked, causing her to laugh. When I pulled out, I got up just a little bit so that she could take her bra off and before she even had the chance to toss it aside I pushed inside of her again and I heard her moan. My thrusts became harder and faster and I could feel her nails piercing my back.

"Dea- Oh, god," she breathed when I grabbed her ass with my left hand, lifted her up a little bit and thrust harder as I reached deeper inside of her. Sucking on her left breast, I grabbed her right breast and squeezed it tightly. Her calves somehow managed to lock harder around me, and I knew she didn't have more than a few thrusts before she would orgasm. Her hand moved from my ass and grabbed my hair, pulling my head to hers and attacked my lips. But not for long, because only a second later my lips trembled so hard it was impossible to kiss her. Instead she took the control and bit into my lower lip as I released inside of her, and within the next thrust it was her turn. I could feel her walls tighten around me, and she cried out my name. She was panting, but so was I.

Scooping down a little bit, I rested my head against her boobs and her legs locked around mine. I could feel her fingers playing with my hair as my right hand rested on her right breast, and I smiled.

We lay like that for a long time, catching our breaths and when someone talked again it was dark outside.

"I love you," she whispered, her fingers still going through my hair.

"I love you," I echoed her as I smiled against her skin, and I placed a kiss where I could reach.

And that was it. None of us said anything else, and eventually I fell asleep right there on top of her, under the comfort of her playing with my hair.


	18. Deaths and blood

**I'm sorry it took so long to upload this chapter, but I've been having some troubles with getting my internet to work. But it works now, so that's good. I hope you will enjoy this chapter, and considering it ends kind of cliffhanger-y, I hope you will be able to wait for the next chapter because it's going to take a while. **

**The last chapter will be divided in two, and therefore it feels better to have both of them written and done before I upload the first one. Like that, I can upload them with just a few days inbetween. So expect the next chapter to be up week 14 or 15. Review, and let me know what you think okay?**

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><p>Dropping my bag on the floor, I heard my skates hitting each other inside it. I was exhausted. More than that. Practice was for an hour longer than usually today, and it would be for three more weeks. We had a tournament to get ready for.<p>

Kicking off my shoes, I pulled off my jacket and found my way into the kitchen.

"Mom?" I called out. It smelled like something was burning, and walking into the kitchen I noticed that it was the food on the stove that caused the smell. What the hell? Mom never burned the food.

"Mom?" I called out again, trying to locate her. I pulled away the frying pan and tried to guess what had been in there. I heard footsteps then so I turned my head and found Mom in the entrance to the kitchen. She was crying.

"What's wrong, what happened?" I asked, and I could hear the worry in my voice. I rarely saw Mom cry. Something was really wrong.

"It's just hormones."

"Mom, don't lie to me."

She looked at me, a single tear rolling down her cheek. Wiping it away with the back of her hand, she closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath.

"Mike's sister just called. He's dead. I… I don't know how to tell Keith, I…" she stopped talking when I took the few steps that was needed to reach her, and wrapped my arms around her. We stood like that for a few moments – her tears had nearly dried when I leaned out of the hug to look at her.

"And look at the food-"

"Don't fucking worry about the food," I interrupted her. "I'll go out and get something. Just… what happened?"

Mike was Keith's best friend, so I understood Mom. I mean, if I found out that Jenna was dead, how the hell was I supposed to tell J.J? I just… couldn't believe this. I met him the day before we went to Sweden. He used to be here all the time, and he used to babysit me all the time when I was a kid. He was that cool uncle that everyone loved.

And now he was gone.

"There was a shooting, and he was hit in the chest. He died in surgery this morning. Keith will come home in two hours, and I don't know what to tell him. How do I tell him that his best friend is dead?"

Him getting killed in a shooting should shock me, but it didn't. He had been a police for fifteen years. He was moved to New York three years ago. If he hadn't moved, then he would still be alive. But I couldn't think like that.

"I don't know," I answered her as another tear rolled down her cheek and I wrapped her in my arms again. She leaned out after just a few seconds though, took a step back and placed her hand on her stomach. A saw a small smile on her lips. It was sad, but it was still a smile.

"She's kicking," she explained and I felt myself returning the smile. Then I realized I had actually never felt her kick. I mean, that was my sister in there. Why hadn't I felt her kick?

Slowly reaching my hand out, Mom understood what I was doing so she grabbed my hand and placed it where hers had just been. I didn't have to wait for long before I felt something move. It was like a soft brush at first, but then there was another kick and it was hard. I mean, really hard. She was strong.

"I think she likes you," Mom smiled and I laughed as my hand fell to my side and then I sighed.

"I didn't mean to put this on you," Mom whispered and I knew that she was back to talking about Mike.

"You didn't," I said honestly. "I have to check on J.J, then take a shower, but I'll go out and get some food later, okay?"

She nodded and I continued.

"If there's anything, just let me know. I can be here when you tell him…"

"No, you don't have to. But thank you, sweetie."

I smiled softly before I left the kitchen and hurried up the stairs and into our room. J.J was exactly where I left her this morning. Except for the fact that she was under the covers instead of above them.

She hadn't walked to school today, because she said that she didn't feel super. She didn't exactly look good either. She was pale and her eyes were dull. She was probably getting sick.

Walking over to the bed, I lay down under the covers and wrapped her close to me. Even through the clothes, I could feel how warm she was. Yeah, she was definitely getting sick.

"You okay?" I whispered and she answered with a groan.

"Not really. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Dean," she said, her voice weaker than usually. "I can hear it in your voice. What's wrong?"

I was quiet as I pulled her closer to me, and kissed her shoulder before I burrowed my face in the crook of her neck.

"Mike died this morning."

Turning around, J.J faced me and she really didn't look too well. I could feel that she had a fever, but there was definitely something else going on.

"You haven't been up today," I stated. She was still just as naked as she was this morning when I left her. "You need to eat something. And drink something. I'm gonna take a shower, and then go out and get something. What do you want to eat?"

"Dean," she whispered. "I'm sorry. I didn't know him that well, but I know you did. And your Mom, and Keith. Oh god, does Keith know?"

"Not yet," I answered. "Can we just talk about something else?"

Seeing Mom cry, and now talking about it… I really didn't want to cry. Not now, and not in front of J.J.

"I love you."

I leaned down to kiss her, but she stopped me.

"You're gonna get sick."

"After last night, you already passed it along to me. So just let me kiss you. Please."

Meeting my eyes, she nodded after a moment and removed her finger from my lips. Then I leaned down and gently brushed my lips against hers.

* * *

><p>Paying for the pizzas, I grabbed it from the counter and walked outside where I met Jenna and Liam. They hadn't been in school today either, but when Liam called asking if they could crash at our place he said he would explain everything later. I warned them about J.J being sick, but he said it didn't matter. And then I asked Mom. I never asked if someone could stay the night, but because of Mike I felt like I had to. She said it was okay though.<p>

"Okay, explain."

"Not even an 'Hello'?" Liam asked, a bag hanging over his shoulder. Looking at him, he looked at his sister and then let out a sigh as we started to walk.

"Jenna told our parents last night," Liam started and Jenna continued before he could.

"And now it's a civil war at home. Oh god, the _yelling_."

"Mom took it well, but Dad is a known homofobe."

"He's not a homofobe, he just doesn't believe in love between same genders. He tried to tell me that it was all made up in my mind, and when I told him it wasn't he kicked me out. Liam said he couldn't do that, and he kicked him out too. Mom is pissed."

"Shit," was the only thing I could think of saying and so I did. We had reached my car while talking, and while driving home they said they probably only needed to stay tonight. Things should have calmed down by tomorrow, but I told them that they could stay for as long as they wanted to. They knew they were always welcome.

Apparently their brother took off long before school started this morning, and wasn't home yet. If the situation really was the way they said it was, I couldn't blame him for leaving without saying anything.

"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath as I parked outside the house.

"What?" Jenna asked as we climbed out of the car and I walked straight toward the wall underneath my window instead of the front door.

"Keith is home."

"Yeah, so?" Liam asked as I started to climb carefully up the wall. The steps on the ladder were slippery, with some ice being on them.

"His best friend died this morning, and Mom is probably telling him right now. I don't want to be there to see it."

Liam helped Jenna up the final steps as I knocked on the window to our bedroom. It looked like J.J was sleeping and I hated to wake her up, but the window was locked from the inside.

Knocking again, J.J opened her eyes and I could almost hear her groan as she stumbled out of bed and opened the window. I was barely inside when J.J was back on the bed, wrapped in the covers.

"Wow, you look like shit," Liam commented as he climbed through the window.

"Well, thanks," she answered sourly and I chuckled before I sat down on the edge of the bed and took out my pizza. Asking J.J, she said she didn't want anything but I figured I would save some for her. She had to eat something.

Talking while eating, Liam and Jenna told me more about what was happening at home. Jenna also revealed that her girlfriend had broken up with her yesterday.

"What?" Liam asked, just as shocked as me. I mean, only yesterday did I learn that she even had a girlfriend. And now she didn't anymore. "Why?"

"I said I wasn't ready to tell everyone, and go public. So she called it off."

"Okay, wait, you said you loved her so why aren't you crying right now?"

"Because there's a lot more than just my girlfriend breaking up with me going on right now!" Jenna almost snapped back, and I had to admit that Liam's question wasn't the best. Sometimes he doesn't really think before talking. But he never meant to hurt anyone.

"I'm sorry," he apologized and when he wrapped his arm around her shoulder I felt like I was in the middle of some brother/sister thing I shouldn't be in the middle of. Thankfully there was a knock on the door right then.

"I heard you up here, and figured you took the window way," Mom said as she walked inside the room and I handed her her food. Taking it from me, I asked about how Keith took everything about Mike.

"Not good. He's talking to his wife right now. He just needs some time. I think. How is she?"

I glanced back at J.J and noticed that she was already back to sleep.

"Not good," I answered simply, looking at Mom. She was trying to hide all of her feelings about Mike, and about Keith and about everything. She tried to focus on J.J.

"Let me know if she gets any worse," she answered before she turned around, said hello to Liam and Jenna and then walked out of the room.

I finished eating a short moment after that, and the three of us continued to talk. Yesterday at school we hadn't talked much about the Christmas break, so we did now. I told them about Sweden and how I would love to go back. I told them about how I was there when a horse gave birth, and how J.J tried to get me up on one but failed. Liam commented on my necklace, which he hadn't noticed before now. Then he asked about their gift, wondering if we had used it yet. Liam and Jenna might not know details, but the four of us doesn't keep secrets from each other so I told them that yeah, the book was useful.

When Jenna took a shower, Liam and I took the time to play some video games. He beat me at FIFA, but it was my turn to win when we played NHL 11.

Then there was the big question on how we should sleep. If J.J weren't sick, I would have taken the floor or the couch downstairs, letting Jenna take the bed with J.J. But no way in hell I would sleep somewhere else but next to her right now. When Jenna asked why, I told her the truth.

"She doesn't get sick often, but when she does it's bad. The last time she had a flue, she had to go to the hospital."

"I don't remember that," Liam said.

"We were twelve, and neither did I but Mom told me. She also told me to keep an eye on her, because it can get that bad again. So I'm not leaving her side."

With that decided, Liam said he would take the floor and Jenna could take the couch. I remembered that we had a spare mattress in the garage, and Liam offered me to help me carry it.

Before walking downstairs I let my hand linger on J.J's back, under the shirt she put on before I left to get the pizzas. She was even hotter now than before and she would definitely need some aspirin.

Liam and I crept down the stairs, and we didn't talk until we reached the garage where I turned on a light to find the mattress. Which wasn't the easiest task.

"I figured out what I wanna be when I grow up, now when fotball's out of the way," Liam said and I laughed at the way he expressed himself. He laughed with me before he continued. "First, I'm gonna be a pilot."

"A pilot?" I asked him, turning around. He stood against a wall, his arms crossed and he nodded. "And what do you mean, first?"

"Okay, so you can't tell Jenna this…" he waited until I had nodded before he continued. "Then I'm gonna serve in the army."

Liam in the army? Fuck, I couldn't say I couldn't see him there. But that didn't mean that I wanted him there. And I understood why I wasn't supposed to tell Jenna. But he had to tell her at some point.

"You should be more worried about telling J.J," I said, grabbing the mattress and pulling it out on the floor where Liam grabbed the other end and we went back to my room.

"Nothing's gonna happen to me, okay? I'll just fly a plane."

"Yeah, and J.J's Dad was _just_ going to drive a truck, and he ended up in a coma for a year before he died."

"I'm not gonna drive or fly or whatever over something that can kill me."

"It's the fucking army, Li. Look, you think you're invincible, but you're not. You gotta see that. You have to _understand_ that, or you'll end up dead, or something similar."

* * *

><p>"Okay, class," our English teacher said as he walked into the classroom about five minutes late. He's never late.<p>

There was a week left until my birthday now, J.J was healthy again and things had been sorted out at Liam and Jenna's house. Except for the fact that their parents were in a divorce. But other than that, things were peachy.

Dropping a file on his desk, our teacher continued.

"Good for you, I turned fifty this weekend and I'm still hungover. Bad for me, I forgot what we were supposed to do today," he laughed with the class and then turned serious. "So we're gonna play a game. Guys, pick a name from this hat so that you won't be paired up with anyone you know. Hopefully."

He walked around with a hat as he talked, and I grabbed a small piece of paper from it. Reading the note, it said Olivia. Oh, great.

I mentally slapped myself when I showed Liam my note, and he quickly made a motion for us to change. Whatever name he had, it couldn't be worse than Olivia.

"Thanks man," I mouthed and he shrugged it off with a disgusted face. He called out Olivia's name, and then our teacher looked at me. I was supposed to say the name I had got.

Opening the note, I smiled.

"I got J.J."

Our teacher told us to pair up with our partner, and then find some place where we could be ourselves.

"Be back in an hour, and next lesson you're gonna write a small essay on what you learned today."

He handed us another piece of paper as we walked out of the room, and told us not to open it until we were alone.

J.J grabbed my hand and lead me to the gym where we sat down on the bleachers, facing each other. She pulled her legs up as I sat indian style, and she opened the piece of paper.

"What does it say?"

"We're supposed to warm up, so that we'll be comfortable but I think we're already there so let skip the two first challenges. Okay, so number three – tell your partner a secret."

"A secret? But you already know everything," I laughed and she mused.

"Oh, there's gotta be something."

Yeah, there was. But I had sworn to myself that I would never tell her. I forced Liam to never tell her. It wasn't something she had to know. But at the same time, it was the only thing I could think of.

"I… I remember the exact moment I realized that I loved you."

"How is that a secret?" she chuckled but fell in silence when she saw that I was still serious. "Dean, how is that a secret?"

"Liam and I, we were walking home from school and…"

_—- flashback —-_

"_For christ sake, just say you're sorry and make up," Liam complained. "You've been moping around for two weeks, and it would all be fixed if you just told J.J that you're sorry."_

"_But I'm not! This isn't my fault, can you realize that? She's the one who said she hates my girlfriend, so it's her own fault that we haven't been talking for two weeks."_

"_God,_ I_ hate your girlfriend but you're still talking with me, aren't you?"_

_I shot him a glare, and he rolled his eyes._

"_This is all about pride, isn't it?"_

"_Shut up, or I'll kick your ass."_

_Liam snorted before his face turned serious._

"_Hey, isn't that J.J's car?"_

"_Can't we just stop talking about her?"_

"_No, seriously, look," he said as he stopped in his trail and grabbed my arm to turn me in the right direction._

_And there it was. A truck, crashed into the side of a black sedan._

_J.J's Mom drives a black sedan._

_Fuck, it can't be them._

_There was already two ambulances at the scene, and I tried to think._

_It couldn't be them. J.J and Julia got picked up from school twenty minutes ago. I overheard her talking to Jenna, and they were supposed to go to the hospital today. It was wednesday – they always go to the hospital on wednesdays._

_But looking at the license plats, I saw that it was the right car._

_Liam started running as I did, but I came to a stop when I saw two men carrying a body bag._

_Someone was dead._

_It might be Jennie._

_I wasn't thinking clearly, but suddenly Liam held me back from running to the scene. I heard my own voice, but I don't know what I was saying._

"_Hey!" Liam screamed at my face when I didn't react, and I forced myself to look at him. "She might not be in the car, okay?"_

"_She's in the fucking car, Liam! I saw her climb into it, twenty minutes ago! She and Julia, they're in that car. And someone is dead – that's a fucking body bag!"_

_It felt like I was going to throw up._

"_Let's be rational. They haven't even opened the back doors yet."_

_Liam was right._

_So that was her Mom._

_But that didn't meant that J.J was still alive. How could someone even survive that crash?_

"_What if she doesn't make, Li? I mean… I… I love her."_

_I don't even know how I noticed it, because I couldn't think clearly, but the words sounded so true and I realized that it was the truth. I loved J.J. I was _in_ love with her._

_And I might not be able to tell her._

_Because now she might be dead._

"_I'm in love with her, Liam."_

_I could feel the tears in my eyes, but I didn't fucking care._

_Liam was still standing in front of me, his eyes staring into mine. I don't know how he could be so calm, but I needed him to be calm because I was freaking out._

"_I know, man. I know."_

_—- end flashback —-_

"You… you were there?" J.J stared at me, her hazel eyes wide with shock.

"Yeah, and I waited in the hospital until you woke up. I was scared that you didn't want to see me, because you told me you didn't. And I couldn't face that. I had just realized that I loved you, and I almost lost you, and I couldn't face you not wanting to see me. So I left right before you opened your eyes."

"I didn't open my eyes for 28 hours, Dean."

"I know," I stated matter of factly. I was there after all. And those 28 hours where the longest in my life.

She was quiet for a long moment, tears falling from her eyes the entire time. She tried to wipe them away, but they only kept coming. I reached out for her hand, and she squeezed mine back until she pulled back and took a deep breath.

"Do you remember how I had to stay at the hospital for two extra weeks?"

"Yeah, you got a infection."

"That's the official story," she said and I was just about to ask what she meant with that when she took another deep breath and then said five words I had never expected.

"I tried to kill myself."

The silence lasted for two minutes and forty-four seconds, and then she couldn't take it anymore.

"Say something, please?"

"What? You _what_?" I stood up, and I didn't like raising my voice toward her but I couldn't help it. Not right now.

I mean, I almost lost her and she tried to kill herself? How the fuck could she do something like that? How could she do that to me? How could she just leave me like that? How?

"How could you be ready to just leave me like that?"

"It wasn't about you, Dean! I wasn't in love with you, and I didn't know that you were in love with me."

"I was your best friend! How could you do that, and then not tell me about it? Does anyone know?"

She looked at me, her eyes sad, and I knew the answer.

"Who knows? Jenna? Does Jenna know?"

I mean, if she told anyone it would be her.

But she shook her head.

"Liam?"

Another shake.

"Then _who_?"

"Your mom."

I don't know, but I fucking lost it then. Mom and J.J where the only two people I told everything, and I thought it was the other way around as well. Obviously it wasn't.

I could hear J.J calling after me as I left the room, but I didn't fucking care. I had to talk to mom. I had to know how she could keep something like this from me.

"Mom!" I called out as soon as I came home, slamming the door behind me. "Mom? Where the fuck are you? I know you're home, because your car is outside!"

She wasn't in the kitchen, and not in the livingroom. I heard a noise from her bedroom then and I opened the door without knocking. I would usually knock but I was kinda pissed right now.

My anger flew out though when I saw her.

She was on the floor, in a pool of blood.


	19. Big Day

**Wow, I am sorry it took so long to get this up and published. But it's here now. And it's the last chapter. As you will notice, I jumped quite some time since you saw Dean and Jennie last. But I felt like I had to, because I had so many stories with them to tell, but at the same time I lost interest in this story. So I tried to put as much as possible into here, and also, as you will see, I mashed the two last chapters into one. **

**So this really is the last I will see of you, and this is the last you will see of this story. I hope you have enjoyed it so far, and I hope the ending won't disappoint you. So read and review, one last time?**

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><p><strong>J.J<strong>

As I paced back and forth in the room, I could feel Jenna's eyes on me. She looked kind of worried.

"Go, and know that's it normal to be nervous," I told her. She had stuff to do.

"Just promise to take a deep breath, try to not throw up, and don't trip," she grinned before she left and I cursed under my breath. She wasn't really helping. I didn't have to worry about tripping just yet, but she was right about the not throwing up part. She just didn't know how right she was.

I did as I was told, and stopped my pacing. I stood in the middle of the room, which was actually a big, white tent. It would probably hold about fifty people, and I don't know why it was so big. There wasn't supposed to be many people in it. Just me, and some people that kept walking in and out. They didn't exactly help with the nerves either.

So I stopped, closed my eyes and tried to take Jenna's advice. Deep breaths – in and out. In and out. As I did so, I felt two arms that snaked around my waist and first I thought it was my brother. But it felt wrong. It was the wrong smell, the wrong amount of muscles, the wrong height. As I pondered about who it was, I heard the voice and I recognized it in a matter of milliseconds.

"You're the most beautiful best friend that's ever existed," he said and I threw myself around and into Liam's arms. After giving him a hug, I took a step back and saw him grin.

"Asshole," I told him, giving him a vague slap on the arm. He could take it. He deserved it.

"What the hell was that for?" he laughed and I glared at him. He knew why.

"You know why; we thought you were dead," I looked at his uniform, and knew that he could have been. "We're all worried sick, since none of us have heard anything in weeks."

"We lost the phone connection a few weeks ago."

"You could have written a letter," I stated and he rolled his eyes.

"My pen stopped working," he shrugged and I fought the urge to hit him again. I settled for the word "jackass," before I took his hand and led us to some of the chairs that were standing in the tent.

"What are you doing here anyway? You said you wouldn't be able to make it," I wondered as we sat down and he grinned again. I had missed him. We all had.

When he left for the army a year ago, everyone was scared. I was scared in a different way. I wasn't willing to loose my best friend in war, as I lost my father. Just no. But he was alive, and he was sitting in front of me. And even though he had almost a year left, it felt good to see him. No matter for how long it was.

"I thought I wouldn't be, but they eventually agreed to give me 72 hours of permission. So I have to get on a plane in a few hours again, but no way in hell I'm missing this party."

"Have you seen him yet?" I wanted to know, and he shook his head.

"Not yet – on my way there now though."

"Don't go, let it be a surprise. I wanna see his face when you walk down the aisle."

"When _I_ walk down the aisle?" he asked and I laughed. That didn't exactly sound like it did in my head.

"Be his best man, Li. Like it was supposed to be. You should have seen his face after you told us you wouldn't be able to make it. He want you by his side today."

"What, he didn't ask anyone else?" I saw a smile building on his lips and I chuckled.

"No. You've always been his best man. For 20 years. And you always will be."

"I guess I have to then," he smiled but I knew Liam too well. He was thrilled. He really wanted this. "But can I ask you something first?"

"Anything," I told him, and he looked wary. Like he didn't know how to form the question in the right way. And that was very unlike the Liam I had always known. "What's on your mind?"

"Is it the dress, the bra, or implants?" he grimaced after asking it, and I jumped up on my feet.

"Fuck, is it that obvious?" I asked him, worried that anyone would notice. I knew Liam wouldn't exactly stare, since he was my best friend. And I was getting married to his other best friend. He wouldn't stare.

"Implants, really?" he asked and stood up. "Why? Haven't they always been great?"

"No, Li! I'm pregnant."

As my voice was pretty loud, I was scared that someone would have overheard me, but I couldn't hear any voices outside and that relieved me. No one knew yet. It was just me and Dean. We were gonna tell people when we got back from our honeymoon in two weeks. I was still worried about how we were supposed to trick people into believing that I would actually drink alcohol today. Dean said it was okay, since people knew I didn't really like alcohol anyway. I didn't quite believe him. People would wonder.

I watched Liam's face go from shocked, to even more shocked, to confused, and then as he tried to form words. His mouth kept opening and closing, but then he settled for a grin.

"You're pregnant? I'm – I'm gonna be an uncle?"

"Yeah, you're gonna be an uncle," I chuckled and received his hug. "Don't tell anyone. No one knows yet. Just you, me and Dean."

"What did he say? Was it planned? How long?"

"Twelve weeks," I explained and gave him a smile. "No, it wasn't planned. But we're twenty-seven years old, we both have our careers, and we're ready. After everything, that much we are."

"I can't believe you're gonna have a baby," he grinned. "We all thought it was over for a while."

Yeah, we all did.

After college, I was offered a job in Australia. Dean still had a year left of school, and after that he had a secured job. He couldn't just leave that. And I wanted that job in Australia. It would put me on the map as a photographer. And Dean and I both agreed that a year really wasn't that much. I came home for his graduation again, and we had a week together. But then I had to tell him that I was offered another year, and I didn't know what to do. I liked it over there, but I missed him. After a few days of talking about it, he finally told me that I should go back. But that he wouldn't be there when I came home. It was too hard to just talk on the phone. Long-distance relationships weren't easy, we both knew that. But we never thought that it would be the end of us. None of us wanted that, we both loved each other. But it was just too hard. He said that I would be just fine without him, and that I should go. I hated him for it, but as the months passed, I realized that letting me go was the most selfless thing he had ever done. I came back about a year later, when Liam and Jenna turned 23. I knew he would be there, and he knew I would be there. I figured that we were both adults, and we could act like that. We were once best friends, and despite everything, I didn't want to loose that. So I thought we would be able to act civilized. We weren't. We ended up having sex in the bathroom, cheating on our respective partners. I never thought that I would be able to cheat on anyone, and I knew that it just wasn't in Dean's nature. But it was us, and it felt good. Right. That's when we promised each other that no matter how hard things would be, we would never, ever give up on each other like that again. I had never stopped loving him, and apparently he had never stopped loving me.

So I went back to Australia, quit my job, broke up with my boyfriend, and came back home to San Francisco. Back home to Dean. And the dog that he had apparently rescued out of a fire.

"Do you have everything?" Liam asked a few minutes later, and I looked at him. What did he mean? "Something new, old, pink, whatever."

"Something new, something old, something borrowed, something blue," I laughed and counted what I had. "Something old," I pointed at my dress, a re-make of Mom's wedding dress. "Something new," I placed my hand on my stomach and he grinned. "Something blue," I lifted my arm and showed him the bracelet I was wearing. It used to belong to Julia, and it was the only thing I had from her. It held a blue stone, so it was perfect as I wanted her close. "I don't have anything borrowed though."

"Then here you go," Liam took out his ID from his pocket and I laughed. "But I want it back."

"You'll get it back," I promised and placed it in my bra before I turned around and opened a box that was standing on the table. I wanted everyone close to me today, which is why I had made my own wedding dress from Mom's. Why I wore Julia's bracelet. Why I took out Dad's old army dog tag from the box and placed it in my bra, right next to my heart. He wasn't going to walk me down the aisle, but that didn't mean that he wasn't there. Because he was. And in a way, he would always be.

"Who are you talking to?" I heard Jenna's voice, but it became more quiet with every word she said. As I turned around, I saw her standing a few meters away from us, staring at Liam. Her make-up and hair had been done for over an hour, but she was now wearing her dress. It was beautiful.

"Hi, sis," Liam smiled, and Jenna just stood there. She was shocked to see him. When she realized how to move again, she threw herself in his arms and I could hear his deep laugh.

"I should come back more often, getting attacked by beautiful women like this."

"Oh, shut up asshole," Jenna told him as she leaned out and I chuckled to myself. It was nice to see that smile on her again. I hadn't really seen it since he left a year ago. She was always so worried, and I couldn't blame her. Just like Jenna always told me I had a special smile when I was around Dean, she had always had a certain smile around her brother.

"Can I borrow my niece for a second?" I heard David's voice all of a sudden, and Jenna gave me a hug before Liam did the same thing.

"I'll see you out there," he whispered and I felt myself smiling before the two left, arm in arm. I wasn't worried that Dean would see him. Liam wanted to see his face just as much as I did. He would make sure Dean didn't see him until it was time.

Which was soon.

I was nauseous again.

I shook it away and turned to David. He took a seat in one of the chairs, and his facial expression made me worried. What did he want to talk to me about, and why did he look so sad?

"David?" I asked, sitting down next to him.

"He never prepared me for this," he started, looking at me. I was confused. "Ever since we found out about your engagement, I've been thinking about what the hell to tell you. But I don't know. I can't speak for him, so I figured I should just give you a hug and wish you luck."

And that's what he did. We stood up and he hugged me, not caring to clear out my confusion.

"You make a beautiful bride," he smiled and handed me something. A piece of paper. A letter.

As he walked out of the room, I sat down again and stared at it.

Dad.

A new letter.

I stared at the envelope for a moment, taking in his handwriting. There had been no letters since the one he wrote in the hospital, for my eighteenth birthday. But that was almost ten years ago, and my hopes for a new letter had disappeared. I figured he had told me everything he wanted to tell me. Taught me everything I could learn.

"_To my beautiful daughter."_

I took a deep breath before I turned the envelope around to open it. It wasn't a thick letter, and I wiped a tear away before unfolding it. I wasn't supposed to cry. Not today. Not now.

Jenna had prepared me for tears of happiness with waterproofed make-up, but I wasn't one to cry. But this was a letter from Dad. _My Dad. _And I didn't know what else to do but to shed a tear, knowing that he actually had another letter for me. For this day.

I took a deep breath, and started to read.

_When you were seven, your Mom called me and told me you were getting married. Apparently you had met this new boy in school, and you became friends. You wrote me a letter about it, telling me all about him. Your mother and I never thought it would last. You were seven, how were you supposed to know who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with? But we laughed about it many times. _

_I left again yesterday, and like always, we shared one of the letters we had written. I don't know if your mother has ever told you, but it's a part of us saying goodbye. Somehow we got into your engagement with that boy, and we laughed again, because apparently you did know who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. No, maybe there was never a wedding between my beautiful seven year old girl and her seven year old friend. But you're sixteen now, and you're still good friends. And being able to choose a best friend when you're seven, you make me confident that you have chosen a good man to be your husband. _

_Because that's why we're here right? It's why I'm writing you this letter. _

_It hurts me that I won't walk you down the aisle in just a few moments, and it hurts me that I will never see you in that wedding dress. See you happy with the man of your dreams. _

_I don't know who you're marrying, and I don't know what kind of man he is. All I know for sure is that he's a lucky man, for capturing your heart. _

_I trust you and your judgment, and therefore I trust that you will be happy with this man. That he is kind to you, and that he knows how to take care of you. That he every day shows you how much he really loves you. Because you deserve someone like that, sweetheart. And don't settle for less. _

_I don't know what else to tell you than that I wish I was there, and that I wish I would always be there. Other than that, know that I will always love you, as I always have. _

_And you make a beautiful bride._

_Love, Dad._

I stared down at the letter, trying to stop the tears from falling even harder. But I couldn't stop them, and despite my will I started to cry hysterically. I didn't let it go on for long, and when Jenna came into the room five minutes later, my tears had nearly dried.

"J.J?" she asked, clearly worried. "What happened?"

"Give me your phone," I demanded instead of answering her question. She looked at me, and I demanded it again. She quickly found her phone in her purse that was standing on the table and handed it to me.

"I'm fine, I'll see you out there soon," I promised. She nodded carefully as I waved her out of the room, and I dialed Dean's number as I walked up to the mirror. I looked into it as I heard the signals, waiting for him to pick up. Or someone that could at least hand the phone to him.

My eyes were swollen and red, but my make-up still looked good. My hair laid perfectly the way it had been made, and my dress fell down the way it was supposed to. Despite the tears, I looked like the bride I was.

"Hi," I heard a voice and I felt myself smiling.

"Do you think I could talk to your brother for a moment?" I asked, and laughed at her reply.

"He's not supposed to talk to the bride." I heard Dean's voice in the background, and a second later he was the one on the other end, and not his sister.

"I think she got that all wrong," he chuckled. "I'm not supposed to _see_ the bride, but I can talk to her all I want."

His voice reminded me of Dad's letter again, and more tears started to fall. When he heard the sob, the amusement in his voice ran away and all I could hear was worry.

"Hey, what's wrong?" he wanted to know, and I tried to find my voice. I wasn't supposed to cry. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

"I got another letter, Dean," I whispered, wiping the tears away.

"Oh," he understood, "What did it say? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I lied, trying to reassure him.

"No you're not," he knew me all too well, and I could picture the face that went with the voice.

"I miss him so much," I whispered. "All of them. I can't believe we're getting married without them here."

"I'm coming over," he told me, and I could hear movements. I knew why he said what he said. He truly did want to come over, and I wanted him to. I wanted to see him, hold him, I wanted him to comfort me. But I would see him soon enough, and we weren't supposed to see each other just yet.

"No you're not," I argued with him. "You're staying right where you are. If you see me, it might ruin the surprise."

"What surprise?" he wanted to know, and I chuckled.

"It wouldn't be a surprise if I told you, would it?"

I heard him let out a sigh, and then I saw his mother walk through the opening to my tent.

"I should go, your Mom's here," I announced, and I could almost hear him nod.

"I know, I sent her."

"I see you soon, I love you."

"Love you more," he replied before I hung up and I smiled through my drying tears.

I looked at Mary, and admired her hair and dress. She looked absolutely amazing.

"You look beautiful," I told her honestly and she smiled at me.

"Compared to you, I'm not even pretty," she chuckled and took my hands. "He's worried about you."

"I know," I answered, walked over to the table and grabbed the letter again. I handed it over to her, and she looked at me for permission. I nodded and she opened it.

I watched as she read through it, and then her eyes met mine again. There was a small tear in the corner of her right eye.

"He's talking about Dean, isn't he?" she asked, handing me the letter back and I nodded.

"I don't even remember that," I laughed before letting out a sigh. "I love him, you know. With all my heart."

"I know you do," she smiled at me as she carefully lifted the veil and attached it to my head. "And he's lucky to have you. But there's something missing."

She said the last part as she looked at me, and I wondered what she meant. What was missing?

I saw her reach her hands back, and then she unclasped her necklace.

"I can't take that," I argued when she locked it around my neck. I had never once seen it off her neck. It was always there. "It's beautiful, but I can't. It's yours."

"My mother gave this to me, to give to my daughter, as her mother gave it to her. And I consider you my daughter."

"But you have..." I tried to argue but she shushed me.

"I want you to have this, so please, just accept it. It suits you. And I had you long before I had April."

I turned around to look at myself in the full body mirror again. My eyes wandered from my veil to the pendant around my neck, smiling when I saw it. It was a very simple necklace, just a silver chain. But hanging from it was a pearl, in the form of a tear drop. It was beautiful, and I loved it. I knew right there and then that I would pass this along to my daughter someday, but until that day came, I would never take it off.

"Thank you," I said sincerely, giving her a hug. She hugged me back, and then said she had to get back to her son. I nodded, smiling, and then found my shoes. I knew it was time soon.

Just as I put my other shoe on, my brother came into the room and confirmed what I already knew.

It was time.

Grabbing his arm, I let him lead me out of the tent and I smiled when we rounded the corner. Jenna and Liam were waiting, ready to walk out when it was time. I gave them both a quick hug before my brother turned to me.

"One more thing," he murmured as he pulled down the veil over my face and then kissed me on the cheek. He smiled before he left to find his seat, and I saw Liam grab his sister's arm.

Just I took a deep breath I heard the music start.

It was really time.

**DEAN**

As I took my place, I glanced at the tree I was standing under. I saw the carved letters, and I smiled as I remembered all too well the day I carved them in there.

It was the day before J.J and I took off to San Francisco, and we took a stroll through the town. Like a goodbye. We stopped at this place, and she laughed when I carved our initials into the tree. She told me I was cheesy, but then she added that "one day, we'll get married right here."

And here we were.

When I proposed, we never even had to think about where we wanted to get married. Woodstock had always been our home, it was where we met, where we fell in love. It was where we grew up. It was home. And this tree, with our initials on it, stood right here.

I looked out over the audience as I heard the music start. Audience was maybe the wrong word. We weren't many people. Family, and our closest friends. Three chairs stood empty in the front row. It was my idea, but J.J didn't decline it. Her parents and her sister were supposed to be here. But they weren't. And this was our way of honoring them.

Looking at the aisle, I wondered why the wrong song was playing. I knew how this was supposed to happen. We had practiced. J.J wanted Jenna as her bridesmaid, but as Liam wasn't here to be my best man, J.J said that she wouldn't have a bridesmaid either.

I knew that J.J was supposed to walk around the corner any second now, with a dress that I had no doubt in my mind was absolutely beautiful, but the wrong song was playing. And when someone rounded the corner, it wasn't my bride to be.

It was Jenna. My eyes didn't even linger on her as they went to the man beside her. The man with the ashy blonde hair and the army uniform.

Liam.

What the hell was he doing here? He said he couldn't make it. The last time we heard anything from him, he said he was sent out on a mission. _Time to fly,_ he said, not allowed to tell us any more. We thought was was injured, or maybe even dead.

But he was here. And he was walking down the aisle with his sister. He was alive. And I was going to force him to stand up here with me if I had to.

"Don't you look handsome," he said when he was close enough and I took a step forward. I ignored his grin and wrapped my arms around him. Fuck, I hadn't seen him in so long.

He hugged me back, and I don't know for how many moments we stood like that.

"People are gonna think we're gay or something," he commented and I laughed as I leaned out.

"I hate you."

"I love you too, man," he said with a smug grin and turned to stand beside me. "And congratulations, by the way."

The way he said it was different. His tone was different. He wasn't talking about the wedding. He wasn't talking about J.J and I getting married. He knew.

"She told you," I understood and his grin grew wider.

When did she have the time to tell him?

Did she know that he was coming back?

"Shh, turn around and get married," he whispered, his serious expression clearly faked.

But he was right, and I could talk to him about this later. Because the right music was playing, and J.J was walking toward me. My god, was she beautiful. Breathtaking. I could feel my heart racing as her feet took her closer to me, and it felt like forever before she reached for my hand.

"You look amazing," I whispered as she stood before me, and I saw her smile grew wider. She really did look amazing. I had never seen her so beautiful before, but she was always beautiful. And right now she was glowing.

"You look sexy," she whispered back and I chuckled with her.

The priest started to talk then, just as we had practiced. I had heard this before, and therefore I didn't fully listen. Not until he announced that it was time for the vows.

We had agreed to write our own, but I wasn't good with words, and I had struggled with this for over a month. I was confident that J.J's would be perfect, because to her, words came easily.

"You are the most beautiful, smart, talented and generous person I have ever known. You are my best friend, and I am lucky to have you in my life. To have you love me back the same way I love you. And today, right now, I get to give myself to you in marriage. I get to spent the rest of my life as your husband. You and I, we've been through a lot. And today, I promise to encourage and inspire you, to laugh with you, and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle. I promise to love you in good times and in bad, when life seems easy, and when it seems hard, when our love is simple, and when it's not. I promise to cherish you, and to always hold you in highest regard. These things I give to you today, and all the days for the rest of our lives. Because Jennie Jacqueline Walker, I will love you forever and always. That I promise you today."

Placing the ring on her finger, I saw her blink a few tears away and I smiled. Maybe it wasn't that bad after all.

Then she turned around to get the ring from Jenna, and when she spoke her voice was shaky. But I still heard every single word that came out of our mouth.

"When I first met you, I had a tiny little crush on you. Eventually it passed, and you became my best friend. Someone to share my life with, someone to tell everything. Someone to share struggle and sorrow with. And then I fell in love with you. Because you, you've always been there for me. I've never had to ask. You know what I want and what I need. You know me. I know you. And it's you that I want, and it's you that I need. My love for you, it's carved into my heart. It's always going to be there. I'm not going anywhere. You inspire me to be the best person I can be. You're my person. My family. And since the first time I saw you, I knew that I wanted to share my life with you. I should know, I did tell my father in a letter when I was seven that I'd marry you someday. And here we are. Together we will create a home, a family. I vow to always love you for who you are, and to grow old by your side as your love and best friend. I vow to always be honest, caring and truthful. I vow to laugh with you, and cry with you. I vow to always love you, and to spend the rest of my life with you. This I vow to you today, because Dean, when I'm by your side, I'm right where I belong."

Feeling the ring on my finger felt completely right, almost like something had been missing there for every day of my life. But now it was there, and it felt good. I felt complete, almost. In just a few moments, this woman in front of me would officially be my wife. We had a baby on the way. I had a steady job – a job that I loved – and J.J was perfectly happy with her career as a photographer. I had everything I'd ever want. And it felt really good.

The priest finally announced that it was time for the kiss, and I heard a round of laughter as I attacked my _wife's_ lips. My mouth weren't gentle on hers, but she didn't seem to object as she kissed me back. But we had to let go all to soon, and I barely had the time to take a good look at her before I felt Liam's hand on my shoulder, and then people started to applaud.

After a good hug from pretty much everyone, it was time for the pictures. Some people stayed, and some left to get the party ready. Jenna and Liam both stayed behind, but I didn't have the time to talk to any one of them. I was pretty busy with basking in the feeling of being a husband, of having a wife. Of having my best friend as my wife.

J.J had insisted on taking the pictures herself, and I don't know how she did it, but she did. A couple of moments later, the took a quick scan through the camera and then handed it to Jenna. Something about seeing them at the party was said, and then we were alone. At least. Well, almost. Pretty much everyone we passed in town could see us where we stood at the end of the fire truck, J.J secured between me and the metal.

Apparently it was some kind of tradition for the bride and groom to hold onto the truck when a fire fighter got married, and my knuckleheads for co workers had actually driven here from San Francisco in one of the trucks. Chiefs idea apparently.

But even though we could be seen all over town, I didn't hesitate in letting my lips brush against my wife's for the biggest part of the ride.

"You okay, Mrs. Walker Campbell?" I asked, basking in the sound of the addition to her name. I liked it far too much, and I couldn't help but smile despite the seriousness of the question.

She got a letter from her Dad, today, and it couldn't be easy for her. She already missed him, and her mom and her sister so much, and getting a letter today had to hurt.

"I'm fine, Dean," she assured me with a soft smile. "And it's Mrs. Campbell, by the way."

"You sure?" I asked, surprised. I didn't even ask her why when she told me she wanted to keep her name, because I knew the answer. It was obvious.

"Yeah," she gave me a slight nod and a genuine smile. "Our kid's gonna be a Campbell."

My hand went to her stomach without me really having a choice and I smiled into the crook of her neck. "Did you tell Liam about that?"

"He figured it out. Sort of." I waited for her to continue, and she eventually did. She was rambling on quickly, something she only did when she was nervous about my reaction. "I told him, okay? But only because he thought I had my boobs fixed, and I know we said we weren't supposed to tell anyone yet, but I had to. And for a second there, I thought he was gonna cry or something."

Despite everything she had just said – or because of it – I burst out laughing and she joined me after a few short moments. She was scared that I wouldn't be okay with the fact that Liam knew. That my best friend knew. Sure, not even Mom knew yet, but Liam was first to know everything. First to know about me being in love with her, first to know about us breaking up, first to know about us getting back together, first to know that I had plans to propose. It made sense that he was first to know this too.

I wanted to continue the conversation, but our time on the truck was about to end as we stopped outside of the old warehouse were the party would be. It hadn't been an actual warehouse for a long time, and as long as I could remember, this was the place to rent if you wanted to fit a whole lot of people into one room. And even though we wouldn't be all that many, it would be perfect.

Everyone was already inside as we entered, and we were quickly rushed onto the dance floor. I wasn't really good at this, and I had forced mom to teach me. At least I knew how to move, but I had no idea how it looked like. I didn't really care either.

"Did I tell you that you look beautiful?"

"I think you did," J.J smiled up at me, and I felt myself smiling with her as my lips found hers. We moved slowly around the dance floor, and as the song was over, Daniel tapped on my shoulder.

"Can I borrow my sister?"

"As long as I get her back," I joked and I heard him laugh as he grabbed J.J's hand. I on the other hand found my mother, leading her onto the dance floor without really asking if she wanted to dance. I knew she'd want to.

"How long?" she asked as we started to dance, and I looked at her with raised eyebrows. What did she mean? "Jennie. How far along is she?"

She knew? How could she know? How could all of a sudden everyone know? This was supposed to be a secret, just between the two of us.

"She is pregnant, right?" she asked then, hesitantly. So she wasn't sure. She just guessed. It was a very good guess though, but as I didn't speak she started to panic. "I'm so sorry, honey. I just thought... I had this feeling, and..."

"Twelve weeks," I cut her off. She was worried that she had somewhat offended me, and I couldn't have that. So I might as well tell her. J.J told Liam, so I could tell my Mom. And technically, she already knew. "No one was supposed to know just yet."

Mom could keep her mouth shut, I knew that. She wouldn't tell anyone. Not even Keith, not now that she knew that we hadn't planned to tell people yet. So I saw her nod, a smile on her face, and then out of nowhere came the tears.

"Don't cry," I pleaded. I couldn't have her cry.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, blinking her tears away. "It's just so much. It feels like you went to college just yesterday. You're married now. And you're having a baby. My baby is having a baby."

More tears ran down her face and I looked over her head to make sure no one had heard her. J.J was still dancing with her brother, Keith with April, and Liam with Jenna. No one else was close enough to hear. So I focused on Mom again.

"I'm not a kid anymore."

"No, you're the man I always knew you'd grow up to be. Better than him."

When I finally got around to dance with J.J again, it was hours later. After the food, and the cake and some games that was actually kind of fun. I would be mocked forever by the guys for having J.J beating me, but it was okay.

"I hear your Mom knows," she smiled up at me and I chuckled without really knowing why.

"She guessed," I explained and she laughed with me. "This is harder to keep a secret than I thought it would be."

"There's still a lot of people to tell. Our friends, our family," she continued to talk, but her words got blurred out when I noticed someone in the corner of the room. Someone who shouldn't be here. "Dean?"

"I'll be right back," I promised, placed a chaste kiss on her lips and turned around. I didn't want to make a scene, because I knew there would be one, so I dragged the man with me outside and didn't even talk to him until we were far enough away to not be overheard.

"What are you doing here, John?"

"My son is getting married, why shouldn't I be here?"

"Look," I said as I put my hands in my pockets. "Mom always told me that it was my decision if I wanted you in my life. And then you stomped in, and I thought I made it clear that I didn't want you in my life. Everyone told me that now, when I had seen you, met you, I might change my mind. I still haven't. This is one of the biggest days in my life, and I don't want you here. I don't need you here."

"I'm your father."

"You might be my father, but you will never be my Dad."

I knew my words were harsh, but they were the truth. I didn't want him in my life, and I certainly didn't need him in my life. Everyone I loved was here. And he wasn't one of them. I still felt the same way about John Winchester as I always had.

"I think you're making a mistake, Dean."

"Look, _you_ made the mistake, and you're trying to fix it. I get it, but I think you should stop trying. Because I know I'm not making a mistake here. This is one of the biggest days in my life, and I'm sorry to say it, but you don't deserve to be here. You said once that you didn't want me, so why can't I say now that I don't want you? Why is it okay for a parent to not want a child, but not okay for a child not to want their parent all of a sudden? I'm sure that maybe deep down you're a good man, because Mom did love you once, but everyone I love is in there. So you should just leave, okay?"

I turned around before he could say anything else, and when I opened the door again I saw Liam and J.J standing in the entrance, waiting for me.

"You okay man?" he asked, and I nodded. I was okay, I truly was. "Good, because I've got bad news. I have a flight to catch, really soon."

"You're leaving again," I realized, knowing I wouldn't see him again for months.

"I'll be back before you know it," he said, and then he turned to J.J, placing a hand on her stomach."And you, don't you dare plop out before I'm back."

J.J laughed as she gave him a hug, and then reached into her bra for something that she handed him. I watched with an amused smile and questioning eyes as he accepted whatever she gave him.

"Something borrowed," she explained, her smile sad. She was already worried, but so was I.

Liam turned back to me then, putting on his poker face. He always did that when he tried to hide what he really felt. But I knew anyway. I had known him for too long not to know.

"Don't you dare say anything, because saying goodbye to Jenna was already hard enough," he gave me a quick hug before he left without looking back. Liam had always been good at entrances, but he had never been good at saying goodbye. It just wasn't who he was. He hated it. And when it came to saying goodbye to him, I hated it just as much.

I felt J.J's arm snake around my waist then and I wrapped my arm around her shoulder, pulling her close as she leaned into my side.

"He'll be fine," she said, trying to convince both of us. I knew that he would be okay, but I was still worried. I would be worried for as long as he was there, for as long as he wasn't on our ground. I needed him in my life. J.J needed him, and Jenna needed him. Our child needed his or hers godfather to be alive and well.

"We'll be fine too," I whispered to her, pressing my lips against her softly. "All three of us."


End file.
